𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓽𝓱𝔂 𝓲𝓷𝓯𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 • 𝓳𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 | ✓ |

5. 𝓲𝓷𝓿𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷/𝓲𝓶 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓻𝔂

                        |5|
"nothin' happened in the way i wanted."
||I MISS YOU, IM SORRY||
||GRACIE ABRAMS||
                        ︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
TW: CIGARETTE MENTION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
a woke up yet again but this time to the sound of soft knocking at the door.

"come in." i said groggily, rubbing my eyes.

the door slightly opened and in popped the head of a still tired dallas winston.

"hey johnnycakes, what're your plans for saturday?" he asked, slowly fully entering the room. he still didn't have a shirt on and was wearing a pair of grey sweat pants. i thought i was gonna melt just at the sight of him like this.

i thought for a minute.

what am i doing saturday?

wait...

what day is it again?

i turned my attention back to dallas who was now leaning on the bed frame over me. the wonderful aroma of his cheap cologne filled my nose and put me in a trance. his soft deep voice replayed in my head with things i knew he'd never say.

"what's today?" i asked, a little embarrassed at the realization of how long it had taken me to answer.

"it's thursday. what're you doin' in two days?"

"oh, well i ain't doin' nothin'. why do you ask?"

"there's a party at buck merrill's that night. i was wonderin' if you wanted to go."

i slid down further into the bed and brought the covers up a bit, covering my now cherry red cheeks.

was dally really asking me out?

"sure, i'd love to!" i finally responded.

"cool, i already told the gang about it too so they'll be there."

i knew it was too good to be true.

"o-oh, alright!" i said, trying not to sound discouraged.

it's not like i had a reason to think he was asking me out. he only compliments my clothes, show's worry about me, and we cuddled last night until we fell asleep. it's not like those were reasons.

he placed his hand on his chin like he was thinking of something. he had a stubble beard forming due to the fact he only shaved once directly after getting out of the hospital. his hair was longer and fluffier than before the fire. it was cute, i really liked it.

"pony said he wanted to talk to you about somethin' with that uh...strawberry girl or whatever." dally said, staring at me. he was staring dead into my eyes and it sent shivers down my spine.

"cherry?" i questioned.

"sure, i don't know. that broad i tried to pick up at the movies one time."

pony then appeared behind dally and slapped his shoulder.

"don't be sayin' nothin' about cherry dal."

"ay, easy kid. i don't mean nothin' by it. i'll tell you what, i'll go grab some more cigarettes from the dx and you can tell johnny whatever the hell you want about the fruit girl."

"cherry." i corrected him, yet again.

he rolled his eyes. "i'm out." he said, exiting the room and soon, the house.

ponyboy shrugged before walking over to me and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"why're you still wearin' that jacket?" he asked, noticing i slept in day clothes.

"well, dal said he liked it on me." i said, a bit embarrassed.

he sighed heavily.

"johnny, we can talk about that later, but for now, let me tell you what happened with cherry!" he said, forming an ear-to-ear smile.

"let's hear it!" i said with fake enthusiasm. of course i'm gonna be happy for my best friend, but i already knew i was gonna be jealous.

"well, while walking back to her house, we stopped several times and just made out, right there on the street! like we didn't have a care in the world!"

"w-wow, how cute!" i matched his tone though my deep envy was starting to get to me already.

"when we finally got to her house, she pulled me in from my shirt collar and up to her room."

my eyes widened. he's just 14. there's no way he really...

"o-oh! did she get the tutoring?" i asked, trying not to think about what possibly could've happened.

"no, but she got something else!" he said with a devious grin on his face. i felt like i was gonna throw up. there's no way he just said that. there's no way he's experiencing all this at 14. im 16 and still a virgin.

i stayed silent because i was at a loss of words. i just waited for him to say something else.

"yea! we went up to her room and she immediately began removing her-"

"okay!" i interrupted, "i get it!" it came off a bit ruder than i intended. i couldnt help it, i was just jealous of the fact he's doing all this and i'm...not.

he looked at me, a bit surprised by my tone.

"is there a problem johnny?"

a wave of guilt overran my body. i had just talked like that to my very best friend. he wasn't trying to brag, he was just telling me all about it.

"n-no, i'm sorry." i apologized, staring down at my laces.

"i just thought you'd be happy for me. i mean, i'm supporting you with your delusions about dally, the least you could do is listen."

delusions?

are they really just delusions?

is that how he feels about what i tell him about dal?

i felt heartbroken. i really didn't mean to talk to him like that. i just can't help how jealous i can get. that's just how i am.

"i am happy for y-"

"no, it's whatever. i understand. i'll see you around johnny." he interrupted me before walking out of the room.

i wanted to chase after him. i wanted him to accept my apology. i couldn't have my best friend mad at me. not now. i just couldn't chase after him. i wish i would've, i don't know why i didn't, but i didn't.

tears filled my eyes at the realization i hurt my best friend. why did i do that.

i laid on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. it's always my fault. i'm always messing up. hell, im always a burden. not just to ponyboy, but to the entire gang. they had to scrape up money to pay for my hospital bills after the church and i put them all at risk for bankruptcy.

"they shouldn't have paid my bills." i thought to myself, "they should just let me die."

they only paid because they felt bad, right? they did it out of pity. dally probably got mixed with tim shephard's gang because he was so tired of paying the bills and put his own life in danger.

they all paid to save my life, but i don't want it anymore.

i hope they kept the damn receipt.

i was living for 2 reasons; my best friend and the man i'm obsessed with. now, one of them hates me. i'm down to a singular reason to keep going.

is that really enough?

is it really worth it?

i'm not even sure dally likes me. he's been giving me mixed signals and they're killing me.

i heard a door slam shut and assumed it was ponyboy and him going to his and soda's room.

i sighed heavily and wiped my teary eyes before the salty water could stream down my cheeks. i sniffled before putting my fake face on and getting out of bed. i then walked out of the room and into the living room, feeling completely empty.