Love after Life

What we fear the most

Angie and I agreed to meet up at our usual spot at the park to talk about all the stuff that's been going on. As soon as I met up with her I noticed her gloomy demeanor, and that made my heart sink.

"So," she began, sitting at the bench we usually sit at. "Like I said last night, I'm scared of my feelings."

"Go on," I said, my heart racing a mile a minute, my soul dying with every heartbeat.

"There's no easy way to say this," she said. "I've been feeling a lot of messed up feelings lately. For starters, I feel guilty for what we're doing."

I gulped.

"Honestly, sometimes after we're done doing what we do on Skype and the high's all gone, I feel awful," she said, looking at the ground. "Because I'm doing THAT with a married woman."

She had a point.

"And I find it hard to sleep because of the guilt," she said. "And my conscience goes 'how could you do that?' And I try to stop that little voice, but I know in my heart my conscience is right."

That's fair.

"And it SUCKS, ya know?" She continued. "Because this whole thing just... it was just something I felt like I needed because I just... man, I can't even find the words!"

Neither could I.

"You know what it's like, to feel so lonely your whole life, feeling like nobody could ever really like you, only to find someone who makes you feel like the most important person in the world?" She asked. "That's me, Chrissy. When we met, it was like magic, ya know? Here was someone I enjoyed being with, who liked me and whom I liked back. And the more time we spent together, the more I grew to like you."

"Me too," I said, feeling the tears coming.

"I thought," she began, clearly struggling to find the words. "I mean, you... I've fallen for you. There, I've said it. You're the first person I think about when I wake up. You're the last person I think about when I go to sleep. When I think of you, my heart gets all glowy, know what I mean?"

"Yeah," I said, smiling a bit, but dying on the inside.

"But," she continued. "I keep reminding myself that you're married. And the more I think like that, the more I kinda just wanna die, ya know? I feel empty inside whenever I think about you and him."

"Don't talk like that," I whispered. "Please."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is," she took a deep breath. "This is killing me. The guilt, the emptiness, it's doing a number on me. And no matter what I choose to do, I'm just gonna end up hurting myself, know what I mean?"

"No," I said. What I meant for it to mean was "no, don't go down this path." But honestly? I couldn't stop her anymore.

"A part of me wants to keep doing what we've been doing," she said. "But, like I said, it's killing me. I don't know how so many women can stand to be the Other Woman in a relationship, but I don't have what they have."

I don't want her to be the Other Woman in my life. I want Angie to be my One and Only.

"Another part of me wants to steal you from your husband," she continued, tears streaming down her face. "But I can't do that to someone else. And I know your children would end up being VERY hurt from that, just like... when Dad left Mom and me..."

I nodded. I knew there was only one option left.

"So, all I can do," she said, now full on crying. "Is to put an end to this."

"I wish we didn't have to," I blurted out.

"But I have to," she said, drying her tears. "WE have to. It's the right thing to do."

She was right.

"I love you," I blurted out. "I wish-"

"No, please stop," she said. "It'll just make everything harder."

Then she started crying again.

"It would have been easier if we'd never met," she said, getting up and running away. And I just sat there, tears in my face, powerless to do ANYTHING.

Yes, it would have been easier if we'd never met. We could have avoided a lot of heartbreak if we'd never met. She wouldn't be crying so much, feeling so guilty over something that's not her fault at all, and she probably would have met a wonderful woman who would have made her as happy as she deserved. And me? Well, I wouldn't feel so dead inside as I am right now.

I could have lived my life just fine without ever meeting her. I would have been the dutiful mother and wife I'd always been. I would have woken up every day an hour earlier than my family, made everyone breakfast, and gone to work as I always had. I'd settle for Tony not wanting to touch me or look at me as he fiddled away on his laptop, and I'd settle for just locking myself in the master bedroom watching Netflix until it was time for bed.

And I would have stayed contently married to my man, never knowing or admitting to myself I wasn't attracted to him in the least. I would have been content in spending my life in a marriage that was only born from the fact that we got pregnant too early in our lives. I woulda been content in ignoring my own sadness and anger at myself for throwing away the best years of my life, in discarding everything I could have been to be someone I never wanted to be.

But in the brief time Angie has been in my life, I knew true happiness. For the first time in years, my life made SENSE. When I was with Angie, everything seemed bright and colorful. LIFE was bright and colorful. I felt excited to be with her, even if it was just to talk or simply be near one another. And now that she's gone, I can't help but notice how dull and dreary life is.

It was like living your whole life under the rain. Every day, rain and rain and nothing but. Then one day, the rain stops and the sun's out. For the first time ever, the sky is BLUE. When the rain came back, the dreary gray sky no longer felt normal; it felt depressing. That's me right now.

I can't, ever, wish I had never met Angie. Even now, as my heart shatters into a million pieces and my happiness feels forever unattainable, I'd still pick this over never having known her.