Love after Life

Deconstruction

"Do you have ANY idea how much you've SCREWED UP!?" Mom yelled as she slapped me across the face. "I can't believe you! You had it made, you idiot! You had a husband that stuck by you, your own house, and a stable life! YOU THREW IT ALL AWAY FOR NOTHING!!!"

I deserved this. Mom was right; I did throw away my marriage, life, and family for what amounted to a quick affair with another woman. I was stupid. I had a great life, and I threw it all away.

"Well, listen to what's gonna happen," Mom said as she paced around her living room, fuming. "You're gonna stay here a few days, and when tempers have calmed down a little, you're gonna BEG Tony for a second chance."

"OK."

"Listen, I need you to tell me the truth," Mom said, calming down a little. "This thing with you and that other man, it's over, right?"

"There was no other man," I said in a hushed voice, rubbing my stinging cheek. "I cheated on Tony with another woman."

A silence filled the room for a while.

"Are you a dyke?" Mom asked, sounding shocked and horrified. "YOU?"

"I..." I hesitated for a moment, but then I took a deep breath and said "No, Mom, I'm a lesbian. The word 'dyke' is a slur, please don't use it."

She sat down on the couch, no longer looking as angry as she was a while ago. Instead she looked confused, and maybe a little sad.

"Since when?" She asked in a hushed voice.

"Since when what?" I asked for clarification.

"Since when are you a dy... a lesbian?" She asked, this time a little louder.

"Think I've always been one," I said, looking away. "But I didn't know until I met her."

"But you had two kids with a man!" Mom angrily said, but she sounded more hurt than anything. "How can you-"

"Mom, you know how babies are made," I said, rolling my eyes. "Tony and I... we did the deed, and, well..."

"OK, but how can you do the deed with a man if you're a lesbian?" Mom asked, sounding both confused and somewhat disgusted at the same time.

"I guess," I took a deep breath, thinking very carefully about what to say next. "I kind of just stopped thinking about what was going on and thought about other stuff as we, you know..."

"God," Mom said as she covered her mouth. "You realize there HAD to have been a moment where he noticed you weren't into it, right?"

"I don't-"

"And that finding out that sort of thing might have given him the wrong idea?" she continued. "Like maybe you'd been cheating on him longer than you actually have?"

Damn.

"Now that you mention it," I whispered to her. "It's been a while, since Tony and I... you know..."

Mom just looked at me with disgust, but then she sighed.

"I guess that explains the cheating," she said as she dug for a cigarette from her purse. "Doesn't excuse it or justify it, but it does explain it."

"I thought Tony lost interest in me," I said to her, my voice all hushed. "Like maybe he thought I was ugly or something. Or that he was bored with me, or-"

"Good men don't get bored of their wives like that," Mom angrily said. "And Tony's a VERY good man. Honestly, the fact that you're a dy... a lesbian doesn't absolve you from how much you messed up."

"I know," I said.

Another uncomfortable silence.

"Do you still want to be with him?" She asked as she took a puff of her cig.

"Honestly?" I asked. "I love him, that's never going to change."

"No you don't," Mom bitterly said. "If you loved him, you wouldn't have cheated on him."

She's right.

"I want him back, though," I said, tears in my eyes. "I don't-"

"No," Mom harshly stopped me. "You don't want HIM back; don't lie to me. What you want is for things to go back to the way they were before you cheated on him. You want the stability back, the family life you threw away!"

"That's not true!" I protested.

"So then what DO you want?" Mom asked as she put out the cigarette using her ashtray.

"I want," I began, but couldn't find the words.

"You don't know what the hell you want," Mom said, sneering. "That's typical of cheaters, and typical of YOU. Words can't describe how disappointed I am with you."

She was right.

"You're a coward, you know that?" Mom said as she took another puff of her cigarette. I hate that she smokes. "That's the REAL reason you cheated on him; because you were too cowardly to tell him you weren't as into him as he was into you."

Ouch.

"Not only that, but you limited yourself to phone sex," Mom said, chuckling a bit. "So you were too cowardly to bring the deed to real life. You were brave enough to sex her up on the phone, but you weren't brave enough to rent a motel room and go wild."

"Hey, that's not-"

"You were ALREADY betraying your husband by doing it on the phone, Christine!" Mom snapped. "And it wasn't even a one time thing, was it!? It was something you'd done quite a few times, right!?"

I nodded, and she just shook her head.

"Who ended the affair?" She asked.

"Angie did," I replied.

"So you weren't even brave enough to end the affair on your own," Mom bitterly chuckled. "Do you realize what that says about you?"

"No?"

"That for all intents and purposes, if it were up to you, you'd still be cheating on him with her," Mom angrily said. "And let me guess; you weren't ever planning on leaving him for her?"

"No..."

"So, what?" Mom growled. "You were gonna keep her on the side, like some toy to use when you're bored of your husband? And when you were done with USING her for your jollies, you were gonna crawl back into bed with your husband, who'd never suspect his wife of infidelity? Was that your game plan!? Did you really think Tony was that stupid!?"

Double ouch.

"Tony's not stupid," I said in a whisper.

"No, but you sure treated him like he was!" Mom angrily retorted. "You know what? I'm done talking about this, and I'm done talking to you. You are a selfish, irresponsible idiot. I'm ashamed to call you my daughter."

Triple ouch.