Love after Life

The batting cages

Take it away, Tony!

I had to admit, it had been way too long since the four of us went on a family outing. I know Chrissy bought us tickets to that new Avengers movie, but I was feeling way too tired that day. If I had known that would have been the last time the four of us could have had a nice, drama free outing, I would have gone.

Chrissy and I took the kids to a family outing, but it's been miserable. Kyle's down because we took his games away. Shawna's down because I'm pretty sure she's figured out Chrissy cheated on me. And I'm down because my wife just can't accept that our marriage is all but over.

She just can't accept that this marriage is going nowhere. And it's not just the cheating; I can forgive that! I WANT to, especially because she's doing everything she can to make up for it! I see that, I recognize that! But what she just can't see, what she refuses to admit, is that the reason why this marriage can't go on is because she's a lesbian!

She's not attracted to me, there's no changing that. Staying married to her means staying in a loveless, sexless marriage. Just thinking about it makes me feel so hopeless for the future. Knowing Chrissy, she'd probably force herself to have sex with me AT LEAST on my birthday; it'd be nothing but pity sex, done out of obligation and not out of a real desire to be intimate! UGH! The idea makes my blood boil and my stomach churn! I feel more trapped in my relationship than ever!

We went to the park, where Chrissy had the idea to have a picnic. Sadly, the kids and I weren't in much of a bright mood, which really made the event feel sour.

"I don't like ham," said Shawna as she rejected the sandwich Chrissy made her.

"I don't want PB and J," said Kyle, also setting aside his sandwich.

This picnic's a bust.

"I'm sorry, kids," she said, looking pretty darn sad. Honestly, that kinda bummed me out; I've always hated seeing her sad. "I really thought-"

"It's a nice day out," I interrupted, trying to save this picnic. "Hey kids, did I ever tell you about how I used to play baseball?"

"Not really," said Shawna, looking away.

"Way back in the day, when I was around your age, Shawna," I said, smiling at the memory. "Man, those were the days; I was even a part of the Little League! My team would win most games we played! I was even voted MVP!"

"Oh my God, I remember that!" Said Chrissy, giggling. "Everyone always cheered when you stepped up to the plate!"

"How come you don't play anymore?" Asked Kyle, and I noticed Shawna looking away, a sad look in her face.

"Well, I had more important things to take care of," I said. Translation: baby Shawna. "Besides, the life of a pro baseball player isn't for me; all that moving around, going from city to city? Nah."

"But," Shawna began, but I couldn't let her continue her train of thought.

"Do I sometimes dream of what could have been?" I interrupted my daughter. "Yeah, but I also think of what I HAVE. I might not have millions of dollars, fans, or my own baseball card, but I DO have you two, and I'd like to think that makes me richer."

"Still," Shawna said, looking very dejected. Nope, I'm not letting my daughter feel guilty for the life I missed out on!

"Besides," I continued. "There was never a guarantee I'd be picked for a pro team, anyway. Sometimes life says NO to you because there's something better waiting for you down the road!"

"Huh," said Chrissy, looking a bit pensive.

"Anyway, now I'm craving a bit of baseball," I said, grinning. "Let's hit the batting cages!"

"Yeah!" Kyle said, sounding very excited! Guess he wants to see his dad play baseball!

At the cages...

I was a bit nervous at first to step inside the cage, worrying about looking like a fool in front of my kids. But as soon as I gripped that baseball bat, it all came back to me. Every word of encouragement, every tip my coach would give me; like a system reboot that brings back deleted chats, it all came back to me.

I gripped that bat tightly, got into position, and focused on that ball. As soon as the machine shot the ball, I swung as hard as I could. KLACK! The bat hit the ball, sending that little sphere flying up to the bulls eye several feet above the ball machine! Immediately I feel everyone's eyes on me, because that was a fucking HOME RUN I just hit!

"WOAH!" Kyle excitedly exclaimed. "Home run!!!"

"Just getting started!" I exclaimed. I had four more balls to hit. BAM! KLACK! POW! POOM! Four more home runs! I grinned, then I smiled, then I started laughing.

"YEAAAH!!!" I happily exclaimed! "Fifteen years rusty; still got it!"

"That was so cool!" Kyle said as he rushed to me, hugging me. Shawna looked impressed, too, but she was trying to act cool so she could hide it. And Chrissy was applauding me, too!

"Way to go, honey," she said, smiling to me. That's when I remembered something; no matter what, Chrissy always made sure to attend my games when we were kids. She always did support me, even when my own family didn't.

When I found out she cheated on me, it wasn't just the cheating itself that hurt. I was most deeply hurt by the idea that this woman, my one constant in my life, would do something like that to me. If I had been married to anyone else, I wouldn't be hesitating nearly as much about leaving as I am now.

But know what really hurts? As much as I tell myself "I don't wanna lose her," I gotta face the fact that I already did. Not just because she cheated on me, but because she'll never be interested in me as I am in her. And I still love her, with all my heart and soul. I could never replace her. But I know she can replace me. She may already have.

I don't know when I'll be able to ask for that divorce. A part of me is afraid I'll never be able to ask for it. A stupid goddamned part of me is even considering just opening up the marriage, so she could have sex with as many women as she wants!

God, help me find strength, because I don't think I have any...