Love after Life

Happy Accidents

The week hasn't been easy, but it's been better than last week; at least now I'm actually HOME! Tony and I, well, we're... talking. Yeah, talking! Kyle's a bit upset that we've taken his video games away, but he has to learn he's not old enough to play them. Like Tony, I also took the time to watch him play for a bit; I was shocked, disgusted, and HORRIFIED at what his games were like! And the LANGUAGE, good God! When I heard one player call another one the F word, I immediately said "Kyle, I'm sorry, but this game isn't good for you!"

Back in my day, games were fun and safe! Whatever happened to the days when videogames were nice, like Mario or Sonic?

As for Shawna, well, she's still grounded. One more week to go...

Well, now it's Friday; I got off work at five, and Tony is making us dinner. Lately he seems more relaxed; I'm happy for that. I went up to the master bedroom to change clothes, only to find Shawna looking through the closet.

"Whatcha looking for?" I asked, causing her to jump.

"Nothing," she said, getting up. She then tried to walk past me.

"Stop," I said to her, grabbing her shoulder. "Sit down, and tell me the truth."

She did sit down, but she kept her arms crossed and refused to look at me. Our relationship is still pretty sour, after all. I sighed.

"What were you looking for?" I asked again. No answer.

I can't let myself lose my patience with her; she's mad at me because she figured out my affair, and she knows that's the reason things are uneasy at home right now. I have to be gentle.

"Were you looking for these?" I asked as I walked to the closet and took out my old boxes. She quickly glanced at them, but then turned away. "I have a lot of memories in these; wanna see them?"

She kept her arms crossed and her gaze fixed as far from me as she could. Still, maybe if I kept at it, maybe she'd... I don't know. I just want to reconnect with her.

"This is my old diary," I said as I took out my diary from when I was a teenager. "In it I'd write poems, stories, and my deepest thoughts."

"I read it," she dryly said. "While you were gone."

"OK," I said, frowning a bit. "That... was a bit intrusive, but-"

"And I found your letter," she said, uncrossing her arms, but burying her face in her hands. "The one from Mr. O'Reilly."

"Oh," I said, pressing my lips. "That-"

"You were gonna go to college," Shawna said, turning away from me. "You had it made..."

"Well," I began to think of something to say. "Life... has a funny way of-"

"Why'd you get pregnant with me?" Shawna asked, her voice sounding broken. "You... I ruined your life..."

"No you didn't!" I protested, but I instinctively knew she'd never believe me, no matter how much I'd sugar coat it. Only honesty was gonna work here. "Shawna... alright, I'll tell you why I got pregnant young..."

I took a deep breath...

"It was around the end of September of 2002," I began. "Our classmates were already experimenting with sex, you see, and your father and I were feeling behind everyone else, you know? By then we had already been dating five years, so it seemed natural for us to take that next step. So one night, while his parents were out of the house and his little brother was with his friends, he and I went to his house and... yeah."

"You and Dad had sex," Shawna looked at me, and incredulous look on her face. "Because everyone ELSE was doing it!?"

"Yeah," I said, grimacing. "So anyway, that was the only time we had sex before getting married; we had agreed. And-"

"Mom, you had sex and got pregnant," Shawna said, a total look of disgust on her face. "Due to peer pressure!? Aren't you always telling me not to do things just because everyone else is doing it!?"

She legit got me there, not gonna lie. Smart girl, really.

"What can I say? Learned that the hard way," I said before continuing. "Anyway, I figured out I was pregnant around Thanksgiving, when I puked out the dinner."

"MOOOOM!" Shawna protested again.

"Sorry," I said, grimacing. "Anyway, that's-"

"Why didn't you abort me?" Shawna asked, her voice breaking a bit. "You coulda-"

"I know," I said, looking away. "There's a lot of things I coulda done differently..."

"Why keep me?" She asked, almost in a whisper. I looked at her and she seemed so LOST, know what I mean?

"When you're young and, well, stupid, you have certain unrealistic expectations," I said. "You know the movie Juno?"

"That movie's such bull," Shawna replied.

"Yeah," I said. "I expected... well, not that because you were already three when it came out, but... I guess I expected a fairy tale, if that makes sense."

"Look how that turned out," she bitterly said. "You two wound up a pair of unhappy people, and YOU cheated on Dad!"

Ouch.

"Let's face it," Shawna said, starting to cry. "I was a-"

"Do you know Bob Ross?" I interrupted her.

"The painter guy?"

"When I was a kid, Nona and I didn't have much in the way of money," I began. "So I grew up with PBS. One of my favorite shows was The Joy of Painting, with Bob Ross."

"What's that got to do with anything?" She asked, tears in her eyes.

"Well, one of Bob Ross' favorite catchphrases was "we don't make mistakes, we only have happy accidents,"" I continued. "And... what that means is, sometimes what we think is an awful thing, is actually a good thing."

"What?"

"A lot of people thought me keeping you was a mistake," I said, smiling. "But I knew I wanted to keep you. Getting pregnant was an accident, yeah. But keeping you was a decision I made, and I stand by it to this day."

"Why?"

"Because," I said, trying to find the right words. "OK, look, there's LOTS of things in my life I deeply regret. I regret letting my only pet ever get eaten by a cat. I regret not being able to find out I like women until long after I got married. I regret what I did to your father, your brother, and you. But I have never, ever regretted keeping you. Was it what I dreamed of? No, we've had hurdles. LOTS of hurdles. But..."

"But?"

"But it was worth it to have you AND your brother," I said, nodding. "And I know your father feels the same way."

She just sighed. She didn't believe me.

"When was the last time we had some fun together?" I asked. "As a family?"

"Can't remember," she replied.

NOPE, WE GOTTA FIX THAT!!!