Love after Life

What can be lost

Although Shawna's really flippant about it, I can't help but stress about how I could have lost my kids today to a goddamned school shooter. I've been this way since 2012, when Sandy Hook happened; I rushed to Shawna's school and just yanked her out of class that day. I wasn't the only parent who did that, either. It's my personal nightmare, honestly; to one day get a call or a text from one of my kids giving me a final goodbye, telling me "if anything happens, I love you." I'd never be able to live on if anything happened to my kids.

I immediately yanked Kyle off his game and just hugged him as tightly as I could. Then I dragged Shawna into the hug, and I'm not ashamed to say I was sobbing like a baby.

"Mom, calm down!" Kyle protested. "Shawna and me are OK!"

No, I will not calm down! I can't, I can't, I CAN'T!!! The idea of losing my children, my BABIES, it's...

There I go, crying again!

"Mom, can you please let go?" Asked Kyle.

"Shh!" Shawna hushed her brother. "Mom's panicking!"

Can I be blamed for it, though!? I can't stop!

A thought came to my head; I missed out on making my kids breakfast today, and the reason for that is because last night I was too busy crying about losing Angie. What if today had been the day my babies... OH GOD NO!!!

"I love you," I said to my babies. "I can't let go. I won't."

I could hear Shawna typing into her phone. But I couldn't stop myself from hugging my kids. I can't. I won't. I could have lost them today. I COULD HAVE LOST MY BABIES TODAY!!!

Thirty minutes later...

"Chrissy," I could hear Tony's voice. I opened my eyes, and there he was, looking very concerned. "Tell me what happened."

"I," I began, but my lips were trembling too much.

"There was a shooting scare at school today," said Shawna. "I told Mom about it, and she started acting like this."

"I see," Tony said, nodding. "Chrissy, I'm here. Let's talk about this."

"No, I won't let go," I said, sobbing. "I gotta keep my babies safe..."

"They are safe," said Tony softly. "Look around you and tell me; where are we?"

"Home," I said, and my hands started shaking a little less.

"Literally the safest place our kids can be," he said. "Your children are safe. You're here. I'm here. We're all here. We're safe, OK?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding.

"You can trust me," said Tony as he placed his hands on my shoulders. "You can let go of our kids. Nothing bad will happen to them, I promise."

I let go of my children, then look up at my husband. The tears just don't stop, and now I have more reason to cry.

I cheated on this man. This wonderful man, who has kept this family afloat for fifteen years, who stuck by me and even married me when I was pregnant with his child, who never once asked me to abort the baby. This amazing man, who works his butt off day in day out for his family. This indescribable man, who took time off of work to help ME during my panic attack! And I cheated on him! I CHEATED ON MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND!!!

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Tony as I hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry..."

"It's OK, honey," Tony said as he stroked my hair. "It's over now. Our kids are safe and sound, so you don't have to panic anymore, OK?"

But I wasn't apologizing for my panic attack, I was apologizing for the affair. I was apologizing for every moment I thought about how I didn't love him anymore, for every instance where I let myself think about leaving him for Angie. What was I thinking?

My God, I legitimately considered throwing away a marriage of fifteen years, with two wonderful children, for someone I had known for WEEKS! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?

No. No, I can't keep doing that. I have a family I love, and I have to do right by them. I'll miss Angie, of course, but... I can't let myself lose my family. Today has been a real eye opener for me. No more pity party, no more "I'm too depressed to do anything," no more! I'm gonna be a better mother and a better wife! The one my family deserves!

"Thank you, honey," I said to Tony, finally calming down. "I don't... I panicked. I panicked bad."

"It's over now," he said, letting me go. "You wanna make us lunch?"

"Let me change, first," I said, and so I entered our bedroom so I could change out of my pajamas. I tried opening up the dresser, but it was a bit stuck. After pulling a bit too hard, my phone fell off the top of the dresser, hitting the floor, breaking. "Oh no..."

After putting on some jeans and a t-shirt, I took my broken phone to Tony, hoping he could fix it.

"Last time my phone broke, I took it to Gabe's redheaded friend," he said as he looked my phone over. "Apparently she's good at fixing computers, too."

"Can you take it to her?" I asked, glancing at Shawna, who looked a bit uncomfortable. "It sounds like you know her better than I do."

"Heh, barely," he chuckled. "Met her the other day, when I asked Gabe if he knew anyone who could fix my phone. He called her, and she helped me out."

"So, can you take it to her?" I asked. "I'm-"

"You stay here and rest, honey," he said, smiling gently at me. "I'll take care of this."

"Sorry for taking you out of work today," I said, feeling awful for what had happened. For EVERYTHING that had happened.

"It's fine," he said. "I'll go now."

"How about after lunch?" I offered. "I'll make something quick, so you won't have to go on an empty stomach."

"That'd be appreciated," he said. I'm really, really lucky to be married to Tony.

I won't let myself lose this wonderful man, ever...