Love after Life

An overdue talk

After a week away from my family, I could finally come back home. As soon as I stepped in, however, I noticed how everything was in disarray. Laundry wasn't done, dishes were left in the sink unwashed; it was a mess! Tony looked embarrassed, but I couldn't be mad at him OR my kids. So we all pitched in and got the house nice and clean, and then I cooked my family the best meals I could. Also, Shawna's been grounded for two weeks.

When nighttime came, I was ready to sleep on the couch. I put on my sleeping gown and grabbed a pillow and blanket, but Tony stopped me.

"Can we talk?" He asked.

"Sure," I replied, sitting on the bed next to him.

"I," he began, and I knew he was struggling to find the right words. "I'm sorry for kicking you out."

"No, you were right to do that," I said, looking away for a bit. I can't let him apologize for doing what was right.

"No, you don't understand," he said, his lip trembling. "I was so mad, and-"

"With good reason," I whispered to him; I didn't want the kids to hear us argue.

"Please let me finish," he said, and I saw the tears in his eyes. "Chrissy... I love you. And it's been hell without you. A part of me wants everything to go back to how it was before... last week."

I looked into Tony's eyes and all I could see was exhaustion, sadness, and maybe a little defeat. A part of me recognized that I could take advantage of this mental state, get my family back, and probably cheat on him again.

Or I could be good.

"A part of me, the stupidest goddamned part of me is even willing to let you cheat on-"

"I'm sorry," I interrupted him. I can't let Tony go down this path; the path of becoming a willing doormat and cuckold, all for the sake of keeping a wife who isn't even sexually attracted to him. No, this isn't what he deserves. "Tony, I'm sorry I cheated on you. I'm sorry I hurt you. You didn't deserve that."

"Can..." he hesitated for a bit. "Can you just explain to me why?"

"Why I did it?" I asked, and that's when the tears began.

"Was it something I did?" He asked, tears in his eyes. "Was it something I was lacking?"

"No, Tony," I said, my tears falling. "I did it because I was stupid and selfish. I did it because I stopped thinking about how I could hurt you, because all I was thinking about was my own gratification."

"What was it about me that-"

"Tony, let's have a real talk," I said, interrupting him. "I have to tell you something important, OK? Truth is, I'm a lesbian."

A silence grew between us. Tony went from sad, to confused in a matter of moments.

"What?" He asked, sounding incredulous. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," I said, sighing. "I'm sorry; I know it's a shock, but-"

"I had noticed for a while that, when we had sex, you were never into it," he said, laughing a bit. "I thought you had grown bored with me; for the past week, I've even wondered if that meant you had been cheating on me for YEARS!"

"I promise you, I haven't," I said. "Just... two weeks."

"Why?" He asked, sounding bitter.

"Because I was discovering this new side to myself," I said, sighing. "It was exciting, and scary at the same time. And... that made me so goddamn stupid. That's why I kept doing what I did. And the more I did it, the less I wanted to stop."

"Did it stop?" he asked, his voice sounding so defeated.

"It did," I replied. "She ended it. She felt horrible about what we were doing... she wasn't like me at all. She was GOOD, and I'm..."

Another silence.

"Shawna said that I'm always angry," Tony replied. "While you were gone, we fell apart. I couldn't hold my family together. I'm a failure..."

"No, Tony," I tried to comfort him. "You didn't fail, I did. I failed you, and our kids. You, however, are the best husband anyone could ask for. You're such a hard worker, and so dedicated to what you do..."

A small silence, and then he started breaking into sobs.

"I hate my job," he softly whimpered.

"What?"

"The boss treats me like dirt," he said, and I could tell he was holding back tears. "He cuts my lunch time, docks my pay over the smallest things, and forces me to bring my work home and do it for free. I can't stand it much longer, Chrissy. There are days where I legit consider driving the car into a post with no seat belt on!"

"Oh my God," I said, horrified beyond belief. "I never knew..."

WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL DEPRESSION, I WAS CHEATING ON HIM!!! COULD I BE MORE TRASH!!??

I promised myself I was gonna help my family heal from the damage I had done. Time to get to work.

"Listen to me," I said in my commanding voice. "Tomorrow, you will NOT be working on that laptop at all. You will be resting up, spending time with your children. On Monday, you are gonna march right up to that jerk that calls himself your boss, and you're gonna quit."

"But-"

"I'll be taking more hours at work," I said. "I'll be the breadwinner while you rest up and look for a better job."

"Why?" He asked, looking bewildered. "Why do you want me to do this?"

"Because," I said, gathering my thoughts. "You're my husband, and the father of my children. I've already failed you, and I wanna make up for that. I don't want you to hurt anymore; I wanna help you heal."

For a moment, he seemed hurt by my words.

"This last week has been the worst of my life," he whispered.

"Mine too," I whispered back.

"Am I," he seemed to struggle with the words. "A bad father?"

"No," I said to him. "The kids love you, I promise."

"How am I as a husband?" He asked, looking a bit too scared to hear the answer.

"Better than someone like me deserves," I said to him. "I'm the one who failed as a wife. I hope you can forgive me one day."

"I want to," he said, laying down in bed. "But...a part of me can't let go of that awful image. Those texts you two shared..."

"I'm sorry," I said. "Want me to sleep on the couch?"

He hesitated for a bit, then with a sigh, he said yes. So I went downstairs, and slept on the couch.

As God as my witness, however, I will dedicate EVERY LAST OUNCE OF STRENGTH I have to help my family heal! Whatever it takes, I will do it!