One Helluva Ride

Chapter 11: Spring Broken

          After finally having parked the car, Splice and Millie returned to the office. As soon as the door had swung open, Blitzø called an emergency meeting. He stood at the front of the room, looking over at the rest of the I.M.P. team, who were gathered around a table. "Alright, shut your assholes!" Blitzø said. Splice rolled their eyes, leaning on the table. "No one was talking." They replied in a sarcastic mutter. Blitzø ignored them.

          "Here's how we're gonna do this shit. First, we get a fuckton of clients." Blitzø informed, showing off a rudimentary drawing he'd made. "We portal up. We have our fun murder time, as per usual." He used a pointer to direct everyone's attention. "We pile all the bodies in a big fuckin' canoe. We push said canoe into some water." The shittily-drawn canoe was titled the 'S.S. Cumgutter.' How classy. "We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles 'n shit. Maybe a goose, too, fuck it!" Blitzø seemed to be getting carried away.

          "They come out and eat the bodies, we win the bet. We rub it in that sloppy bitch's drunken whore-ass face." Blitzø explained, showing off a scribble of I.M.P. celebrating. "Do you have any questions?" It was quiet for a moment as everyone tried to process. Moxxie sat up. "Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?" He asked. Blitzø took a step closer. "That wasn't a question." He replied.

          Moxxie looked unimpressed. "That wasn't a plan." He shot back. Blitzø wrapped an arm around Moxxie's shoulders. "I'm sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do. Mox, it's not my fault you've got a smooth little brain upstairs." He insulted. Moxxie blinked in confusion. "A what now..?" He asked. Blitzø rolled his eyes.

          "I'm callin' ya slow, Moxxie. God, why can't you just learn to take criticism, you talentless, baby-dicked troll?!" He complained. Moxxie climbed onto the table. "Why don't you take an art class?!" He asked annoyedly. Blitzø grabbed Moxxie and shoved him back into his chair. "Why don't you see how expensive they are?!" He shouted.

          Loona looked up from her phone. "Hey, is there a way I could come with you this time?" She asked absentmindedly. Splice looked over. "That sounds like a good idea. We could use all the help we could get." They said in agreement. Blitzø gasped offendedly. "Absolutely not. I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who would drool all over you!" He narrowed his eyes in disapproval.

          Loona was clearly frustrated by Blitzø's overprotectiveness. "Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along." She attempted to bargain. Blitzø stopped in his tracks. "Wait, say that again." He insisted. Loona raised an eyebrow. "I can.. blend in?" She repeated confusedly. Millie lit up with enthusiasm. "Do you have a human disguise?!" She asked. Loona paused for a moment.

          "Yeah. Don't you?" Loona asked. The imps went quiet. "You four have been screwing around on Earth this whole time without human disguises?!" She exclaimed, somewhere between annoyed and surprised. Her gaze landed on Splice. "Please tell me you've been using yours. The one you used on Verosika's tour?" She practically begged. Splice averted their gaze.

          Loona rolled her eyes annoyedly. "You're all fucking dumbasses." She complained. It was quiet for an awkward moment. "Okay, new plan!" Blitzø said, quickly scribbling something down on a sheet of paper. He lifted it for everyone to see, revealing a crude drawing of Splice and Loona with lovestruck humans all around them. "Loonie and Splice can help lure the humans to us, and we'll take care of the rest. Okay, how about that?" He offered.

          Millie smiled. "Flawless logic." She complimented. Splice opened their mouth to say something, but was cut off by Moxxie. "I think you're missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn't it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren't just going up to massacre!" He said. Splice glanced around. ".. I can do private sessions for people who order bulk murders." They offered. Blitzø seemed a little horrified by the prospect. "No. I've already got that covered."

~

          "Now, remember, we can't be seen, alright? And loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona and Splice can help with leading targets to a better spot to off 'em." Blitzø explained, hiding beneath a dock with the other members of I.M.P. "You got the list, Loonie?" Loona took out a piece of paper, scanning over the overly long list. "Got it." She replied, quickly transforming into her human disguise. Everyone stared in quiet awe.

          "Oh, Loonie, look at you! You look downright awful!" Blitzø gushed. Loona gave him a disgusted look before turning to Splice. "Alright, your turn." She instructed. Splice stood there for a moment, letting out an awkward chuckle. "You know.. now's a good time to mention that I've never gotten into my disguise on my own before." They said. Blitzø looked over. "What?!" He asked annoyedly.

          Splice shrugged. "The succubi usually did it for me! I never had to do it by myself." They explained somewhat sheepishly. "I tried to tell you earlier, but Moxxie interrupted me." Blitzø elbowed Moxxie annoyedly. He glared at the smaller imp. "Nice goin', Mox." He complained. Splice noticed the tension, growing uncomfortable. "I can still try, you know. It just might not be all that successful."

          It was quiet for a moment. "Well? Go for it." Blitzø said. Splice took a deep breath, letting their eyes drift closed as they focused their energy on switching forms. They felt the familiar sensation of their flesh transforming. Their eyes opened, scanning over their human form.

          Blitzø wiped a fake tear from his eye. "I'm so proud! Now, fetch!" He instructed. Splice grinned. "Let's get this fuckin' party started." They said happily, making their way into the crowd of humans. They scanned the crowd, picking out a few people on the list. They approached two women who were grinding on each other.

          "Uh, I'm sorry, I'm new to-" Splice didn't even get to finish their sentence. One of the girls, a brunette, grinned. "Oh my god! You are so fucking cute!" She said, cupping Splice's face in her hands. "Babe, look at this little twink! His pathetic ass is just asking to get obliterated." She nudged the other girl, who Splice figured was her girlfriend. They were both obviously wasted. The other girl, a redhead, gasped. "Holy shit! What a little cutie!"

          Splice was a little annoyed by the infantilization they were facing, but they played it off. "Uhm-" They started. The brunette shushed him. "Shh. Don't worry, little one~ We'll take care of you." She said, grabbing Splice by the waistband of their pants. The girls led Splice to a more secluded, private area. The girls began to feel up Splice, reaching under their shirt and caressing their chest. "I don't think I'm comfortable with-" Yet again, Splice was interrupted before they could finish.

          "Ah, ah. Not a word." The redhead purred. "Is this a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" The brunette asked, palming Splice's crotch. Splice grinned, straightening themself out. "It's a gun." They said, pulling the pistol from their pants and aiming it at one of the girls. "Sorry, ladies. I'm an assassin, not a hooker." A wicked grin crossed Splice's face.

           Splice fired at the brunette, hitting her between the eyes. The redhead let out a bloodcurdling scream, freezing in terror as she looked at the body of her (now dead) lover. Her hands covered her mouth as bile rose in her throat. "Y..you.. you monster!" She exclaimed, shakily backing up against the wall of the alleyway.

          Splice chuckled, transforming into their demon form. "Oh, no, I'm not a monster." They corrected. "I'm the fucking devil himself." They said, finally firing at the redhead. They watched as she bled with a malicious grin.