One Helluva Ride

Chapter 44: Bodyguarding Again

          Splice was curled up on their couch, hugging a throw pillow against their chest. Blitzø took up the other half of the couch, munching on cereal as he watched some horse rom-com on the television. His attention was pulled away as his phone began to ring. He picked it up and brought it toward his face. "Yello?" He asked, his mouth still full.

          "Is this Fizz's former bestie, then lifelong enemy, then recent hero, now newly rekindled sort of friend, Blitzø?" The voice on the other end of the phone asked. Blitzø's eyebrows furrowed. "Uhm.. that's a weird way to put it, but yup, that's me." He answered.

"This is Asmodeus."

          Blitzø grinned. "Oh shit, the big Oz himself! Heh, is there a reason you're calling me on the weekend your sin- .. sinness? Sinfulness? Sin- s- ... Royal big man?" He stuttered. Splice stirred, whining softly. "You've lived rent-free in Fizz's head for years, so I can't help but feel he values your take on things," Asmodeus said.

          "Yeah, I was the one who usually had the stronger opinions. Yeah, like- like one time, he tried convincing me that juggling was cool, but it's only a little cool at best." Blitzø replied. Splice grumbled. "Who are you talking to? I'm trying to sleep." They complained. Blitzø glanced over at his disgruntled employee. "Oh shit, give me a second, Oz, Splice just woke up." He covered the receiver like it would muffle what he was saying. "Asmodeus called me."

          Splice shot up, setting themself off-balance and causing them to crash to the floor. "What?!" They asked. "What does he want?" Blitzø shrugged. He looked as clueless as ever. "I don't know, he didn't get to that part yet." He answered.

          ".. I can still hear you, you know." Asmodeus said on the other end of the phone. "What is Splice doing there, anyway?" There was a knowing, almost teasing tone to Asmodeus' question. Splice huffed. "Blitzø stays in my apartment sometimes." They said. Asmodeus paused for a moment.

          "Look.. Fizz is deadset on re-entering Greed's yearly clown pageant." He said. Blitzø rolled his eyes. "Wow, big fuckin' surprise there." He muttered. Splice elbowed him in the side. "I was hoping to have some- backup in convincing him that this thing is a waste of time." Asmodeus explained.

          Blitzø's face contorted in confusion. "What, why? Doesn't he always win?" He asked. Splice could practically hear Asmodeus seething on the other side of the phone. "'Cause Mammon is a selfish, manipulative piece of shit! And Fizz doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him that." He answered.

          "Well, my special skills are killing things without giving fucks and pointing out people's flaws.. alright, count me in!" Blitzø said excitedly. Splice sighed. "I'll keep him out of trouble..." They reluctantly said. Asmodeus sighed contentedly. ".. Thank you."

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

          Splice huddled into the backseat of the limousine, adjusting the black tie around their neck. The car skidded to a stop. Once the door was open, Fizzarolli hopped out of the car with a bright smile. Asmodeus followed shortly behind, standing behind Fizz in his smaller, more manageable form. Blitzø stepped out, tripping and falling onto his face. Splice rolled their eyes, resting one hand on the dagger at their side as they helped Blitzø up.

          "Wow, I haven't been to a crowded event in years." Blitzø hummed. Fizzarolli's eyes narrowed. "Can you remind me why you're here again?" He asked. Asmodeus cleared his throat. "I uh.. invited him. To help you with extra security. You know your fans. Since I can't be here with you, I felt these two would be the next best thing." He answered.

          Blitzø's gaze swept the crowd as he held his flintlock threateningly. Asmodeus chuckled nervously. "Mhm... L'il sus, babe." Fizz grumbled. Asmodeus shot a small glare at Blitzø before he left. Fizzarolli returned to interacting with his fans, grinning and waving like normal. "You're doing an awesome job, Fizzarolli!" Someone shouted.

          Blitzø nudged Fizz. "Come on, it's just like old times." He said encouragingly. Splice looked over at Fizz. "We'll make sure no one gives you any shit today." They said. Fizz glanced over. "You mean besides Blitzø?" Splice had to stifle a chuckle.

          Before the conversation could continue, Mammon appeared from inside the tent. "Ey, there he is! Now, how's my bright, shiny brand baby doing? Ready to reclaim your win another year? Yeah?" He asked, pinching Fizz's cheeks harshly. Fizzarolli smiled weakly. "You know it, Mammon sir."

          "Good, 'cause, you know, I saw your competition, and it's pretty stiff, right? You are gonna have to try extra hard, like fixin' that posture. Not gonna lie, you're looking a bit chungo, yeah? Maybe lose a few so we don't gotta make any more adjustments to the Fizzies." Mammon said, patting Fizzarolli's stomach. Splice's tail rattled in anger. "People like 'em skinny as FUCK."

          "Oh- right, sir. Of course! I'll work on that." Fizzarolli said. Blitzø and Splice shared a disgusted look. "What?" They both exclaimed. Mammon's gaze snapped over. "Oh? And who's this you brought with you? I didn't know you had a collab in mind, Fizzie! I- we could make a lot of money off of that." He said, approaching Splice. "Splice, right? I've heard good things. Lots of good things.." He reached his hand out for a handshake.

          Splice looked down at Mammon's hand, before shifting their gaze back up toward his eyes. ".. yeah, no. Not happening. I know that handshake is legally binding, and I don't feel like being extorted by a friendly-fire fatass." They spat. Blitzø stepped in between Splice and Mammon. "Hi, yes, nice to meet you, I'm the one who saw through your fake-ass bullshit from the day I had to spend all my savings on the shit-covered dick show you called a performance. Thanks for that, by the way."

          Fizzarolli laughed nervously. "Ignore him, sir. He's, uh- he's like that all the time. He thinks he's funny." He said quickly. "Offended." Blitzø corrected. Mammon's eyes narrowed. "Riiight, yeah. You can shut your cunt ass mouth, boy!" His attention returned to Fizz. "I'll see you on stage! And don't forget to fuckin' smile, Fizzarolli. The smile is that face people like to see from you!" Mammon disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.

          "Wow. That guy sucks so hard." Blitzø muttered. Splice nodded. "Agreed." They said. Fizzarolli's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Look, guys, I don't know why Oz brought you here, but can you at least not talk back to my boss? I need this gig!" He snapped. Blitzø's face contorted in confusion. "Why? Don't you have the world's best sugar daddy?"

          "I just need it, okay?" Fizzarolli took a breath to steady himself. "Smile inside and out.." He told himself, forcing a cheerful smile onto his face. The crowd fawned behind the velvet ropes.

"We love you, Fizz!"

"You ready for another win, Fizz?"

          Fizzarolli's face flushed. "Oh, pfft- well, I don't wanna assume, but, as always, I have an act that's without a doubt gonna-" Before he could finish, a set of twins from Envy emerged behind him. "Fucking lose!" They mused together with violent grins. Fizzarolli offered a nervous smile. "Oooh, fun. You gals gonna be competing as well? That's really nice." Splice glared at the two of them from Fizz's side.

          "You can shut up now, you fugly imp." One of them said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Yeah. See, we didn't come to chat. We came to win." The other finished. Fizzarolli's smile twitched. "Wow, what attractive attitudes you got." He said. Glitz rolled her eyes. "Like we care what your opinion is, Fizza- uh.." Her expression fell and her eyebrows furrowed in thought.

          "-Rotty!" Glam interrupted. Glitz whined. "Shut up, I was thinking of one!" Glam shrugged. "Should've been faster." She retorted. Glitz grumbled. "Whore." She muttered. Glam sneered. "Slow-ass bitch."

          "You know, it's pretty telling that you snatches can't even keep up your stupid mirror schtick together. It ain't cute." Blitzø insulted. Glitz grinned, her sharp teeth glinting. "We don't need to." Glam chuckled. "We put our energy toward our performance."

          "And winning Mammon's favor." Fizzarolli forced a smile. "Oh, well.. I look forward to seeing what you do, and may the best clown wi-"

          "We plan to." The girls pushed past Fizzarolli, walking into the circus tent with a vicious laugh. Splice's tail rattled. "Aw, man... I didn't give a rat's ass about this competition. But, Christ on a stick, Fizz.." Blitzø locked eyes with Splice, who nodded determinedly. "Pile drive those sluts." They said in unison.