One Helluva Ride

Chapter 15: Old Fuck

          Splice sighed softly, sinking into the armchair they were laid across in the office. They covered their face with a throw pillow, trying to block out the obnoxious cherub-related ad that was blaring on the TV. It was unclear how exactly they'd gotten access to a heaven channel all the way down here, but Splice was too tired to care about the logistics.

          Splice flinched as Blitzø shot the television with his pistol. "Nice one, B!" Millie exclaimed. Blitzø grinned like a madman. "Gimme another, Mox!" He demanded. Moxxie anxiously swept away the debris and placed another television before Blitzø. He clicked the power button. The channel it opened to was 666 News–a station run by a homophobic bug sinner. "Nah, not feeling it.. next!" Blitzø requested, reloading his pistol.

          Moxxie reluctantly changed the channel. Blitzø observed the channel for a moment. ". uh-huh. Keep going." He said. Moxxie reached and turned the dial. One of the greed channels started playing. Wally Wackford prattled on about some criminal deal regarding employing inventors. Blitzø grinned. "Bingo!" He exclaimed, firing at the television. Millie cheered. "You're on a roll, sir!" She said.

          Before Blitzø could reply, the ground began to tremble. "Guys.. do you feel that?" Loona asked worriedly, having woken up from her nap due to the disruption. Blitzø's eyes widened in fear. "Oh, shit! Is that a hellshake?" He asked, looking around frantically. Millie grabbed Moxxie's shoulder. "Alright, don't panic, Moxxie!" She warned.

          Moxxie blinked in confusion. "I'm not panicking because hellquakes don't happen." He replied. Loona grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "Stop getting hysterical, fatty!" She yelled. Splice glanced over confusedly from their armchair. "He's not even..?" They muttered. Loona proceeded to bitch slap Moxxie, causing him to stumble back toward the wall. Suddenly, a wrecking ball crashed through the window. The rubble landed on the unsuspecting Moxxie.

          A comic book villain-esque figure stood atop the wrecking ball. Loona dropped to all fours and growled threateningly. "Do not be afraid!" The figure called grandly. Blitzø looked at the wreckage with an annoyed expression. "Please tell me you have that insurance thing.." He muttered. Millie and Splice both launched into action. "Who are you?" Millie asked, taking out an axe. Splice leaped from their chair, standing beside her with a set of daggers. "What the hell do you want?" They questioned. The figure stepped into the office.

          "I am Loopty Goopty; dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!" He introduced. Loona sighed as she stood up. "Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing." She said annoyedly. Loopty Goopty grinned. "I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit!" He replied. Blitzø sniffed him, quickly recoiling and gagging. "Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?" He asked.

          Loopty Goopty's eyes widened in surprise, not suspecting that Blitzø would figure it out so quickly. "Yes! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me here!" He answered. Loona tapped away on her phone. "Just sayin'... The front door would've gotten you here fine." She muttered, rolling her eyes. Loopty Goopty put a finger up to shush her. "Shut up, dear furry!" He dismissed. She looked at him offendedly and growled in a threatening manner.

          Loopty Goopty took out a printed photo from his jacket. "This is the man I'm going to need you to kill!" He instructed. Blitzø took the picture in his hands and looked it over. "Not even a shit's length of time in hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion." He said with a charismatic smile.

          Blitzø grabbed Loopty Goopty's hand, shaking it. "I'm Blitzø. The 'o' is silent." He introduced. Loopty Goopty's expression faltered. "What 'o'?" He asked. Blitzø smiled bashfully. "Aww, thank you. Now, what's the tea, sis?" He questioned, ready to get down to business. Loopty Goopty seemed confused at Blitzø's use of slang. "The tea?" He questioned.

         Moxxie's arm reached out weakly from beneath the rubble. "Guys.. help!" He called desperately. His pleas were in vain, since he was ignored. "Yeah! Why are we killing this guy? I mean, what did he do to you?" Blitzø explained, playfully elbowing Loopty Goopty. Moxxie's arm fell as he let out a pathetic whimper. "Losing.. ox..." He managed. Splice glanced over. "I'll help him..." They muttered, realizing that no one else would if they didn't.

          Splice unburied Moxxie and gently helped him up. "You okay?" They asked softly. Moxxie caught his breath. "Yeah.. thanks." He muttered, still seeming a bit shaken from the experience. Loopty Goopty had just finished his retelling of his supposedly tragic death. "Ehh.. that's not really evil," Blitzø said, unimpressed. Loopty Goopty gasped offendedly. "It's evil towards me!" He complained, crossing his arms over his chest. "Now, get your crimson asses up above and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch to hell, where he belongs!" He demanded.

          Blitzø's expression faltered. "Uh, y-y'know, Poopty-" Loopty Goopty's eyes narrowed. "Loopty." He corrected annoyedly. Blitzø put up his hands defensively. "Of course, of course! If we do kill him, though, and he ends up down here, y'know, you will be stuck with him. Forever." He warned. Loopty Goopty grinned devilishly. "Oh, trust me..." He trailed off. "I'm counting on it." His eyes glinted maliciously. Moxxie glanced over. "That's kinda hot." He blurted.