A memory from before I was 4 years old.......
I was in nursery... ontop of a big play apparatus with ladders and slides... and I remember sitting curled up in the corner crying my eyes out, because I was suffering (unknown to me..) a PTSD attack and I was absolutely FROZEN and I couldn't move or talk, and the other children were playing all around me, going up the ladder, passing me, going down the slide, and one boy passed me and shouted "Idiot!" at me, and i just cried even more, untill eventually a teacher got me down... and then we had essembly and were all given chocolate by a man who was dressed up, as what i don't remember, but could this have been near Charistmas time? And I just sat there staring into my lap, holding the chocolate, paralzed and not singing the songs or talking to anyone, just crying...
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In fact, i remember screaming all the way through nursery - in a panic whenever my mum left and crying all day long and only ever settling down when she came back, frozen inbetween crying.
So my mum took me home to have me there and i kept crying, aside from only if she rocked the chair, but she had to work at the pub so she hired babysitters..... only....... they weren't babysitters, for little did we know but the entire agency had been killed. They were masked people. They used to come with masks hidden.......... of my mum and dad. When my mum and dad weren't there, they would abuse me and torture me, one tried putting me into the fire, another made me swallow a big black ALIVE spider which was till riggling in my throat when she forced me to wallow it down with water, and it got stuck and i almost chocked to death, i couldn't breath at all.......... she tried ressusitating me, but i was unresponsive for about a minute, and i'd swallowed the live smider which i could still feel twitching inside me body and down my throat, and i spewed the water up and sat up and screamed, and she put me into the car for hours upon hours upon hours on end with no food or milk or drink, until my mum got back from work..... another "babysitter" wearing the face of my dad put a terantula on my lap (when I was 2 years old) and I remember looking down at it and thinking these exact words, "THAT IS THE MOST PETRIYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!! HOW CAN ANYBODY NOT BE SCARED OF A SPIDER - ITS PETRIFYING!!!!!!" and then I started SCREAMING, " GET IT OFF!!!!!!! GET IT OFF!!!!!!!!" (but i didn't talk, so the thought was in my head - i KNEW how to TALK perfectly, but i could only think, it never came out in words, and my screaming to get the terantula off me only came out in screams and howls.) "GET IT OFF ME!!!!!!!!!!!" and they did and I ran, screaming, away, and he took the mask off infront of me, as the "babysitter" acting as my mum did and they both said, "I am not your mum" and "i am not your dad." and i cried... and then my mum was home for the summer, after those incidents, and the next year school started, and That, I have NEVER forgotten.
Meanwhile, Theodore was meeting his first girl friends.... and kept dreaming of Hell and waking up screaming because already the devil was leading him into themptation of another, when Theodore and I were each others true love.......and he had promised me his heart.
All through my life I felt as if somebody was watching me and listening to every word i said and everything and everyone around me... I remember asking God who's point of view am i seeing this from? I could see MYSELF through somebody elses eyes... I found words were put into my mouth that weren't of my own doing.... and God just smiled and winked at me, and God would look at my Guardian Angel and then stand and look into the distance...... at a young man in canada.
