When I was 6 years old, same as always, I noticed SOMEBODY ALWAYS watching me........ over me, beside me, coming right up close to me or watching me at a distance.... and i knew he was a boy.... and I kept seeing him around me all the time, as well as two girls, - my sisters, I think, my mum Lindsey's children who she had misscarried and who were in heaven...they were all older than me, but not by much and the boy was the oldest, and the boy was there in two forms, one as a real looking boy and one who looked EXACTLY the same as him but in pure bright Holy light.... I called the two boys Kai and leo which meant "I" and "Theo" and the girls "Tamzin" meaning "Theo's HIM!" and Lilac "Lightlook!" and I played with them in the playgrounds and spoke to them all the time and wrote stories about them and draw pictures of them looking like dragon ball z characters (I was OBSESSED WITH DRAGON BALL Z - ALL THROUGHT MY CHILDHOOD!!!)
my family told me i lived in the clouds, "in clouds coo coo land" they told me and called them imaginary friends...... but i INSISTED they were REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody ever believed me....
Theo kept telling me to talk and said, "I'll help you." and I remember I was in the kitchen with my mum and i asked her, "Mummy, what is the point in my life? why was I born?"
"You'll have to ask God that." she told me, so i said "Okay!" happily, while she dropped the flannel and i think almost fainted as i'd NEVER spoken before, and i ran into the lounge and put my hands together and asked GOD, and GOD answered me and spoke to me, and HE WHO IS told me that one day I would find my real parents, but to love my mummy and daddy as my real parents just the same, for GOD loves them both and has given them both to me, and that i would one day find my true love, and get married, and that i was destined to be a mother and have children, and that i had work to do for God in my life, he said something else too.... he said I was an Angel. This part was silent when i spoke, but i knew it in my heart, and i skipped off to play with barbies upstairs haha. TRUE!!!
Another thing i remember thinking clearly when I was 6 years old was "I wonder how long i'll live for.... 14? 16? 18 years old? 21 or 22 years old? No, don't be silly, i'll never live that long!!!" and i asked my mum how long i'd live for....... and she said i'll probably die in my 40s or something WHICH WAS COMFORTING!!!!
When I was 6 years old, the sexual abuse started from a girl down the road called Kezi who said she was my best friend, and asked me to keep a secret... and asked me to play a game.... and this continued untill I was 14 years old and i was very, very disturbed by it, and would do ANYTHING to avoid it, including begging my mum to sleep in the bath or in the car or even outside or on the sofa, which was not allowed and i was forced to be in the same bed as her........ she later became my step sister, but just as her father and my mum got married, I wrote a letter to my mum and step dad telling them about the secual abuse and they were absolutely Furious with ME, why ME????? And said that i would never see Kezi again and when they spoke, my step sister refused to have anything to do with me... and me being only 14 years old had thought only.... "she said she was my best friend.... and now i have no friends."
For, I was also 6 years old when my parents got a devorce... and i remember sitting on the windowsill and crying and asking my mummy (as daddy was late back from work.) "mummy, when is dady coming home?"
"He's not. He's not ever coming back here again."
it was tipping down with rain outside, bucketing down and there was a storm......... I had witnessed my mum being raped by my dad multiple times, and she had always told me to look away, and i'd stare at the books on the floor and all the music CDs at the far end of the room, feeling nothing, nothing at all..... jsut waiting for it to stop, and i'd heard enough arguments and seen enough violence and slamming of doors, and i'd been there when my mum put porno magazines all around the house and my dad and his mother and aunt walked in and they all screamed at each other....... but no matter what, I loved my dad, he was my superman....... and i'd cried and cried and cried.
My dad was the best dad anyone could ever wish for.
