YELLOW | yj x bg

☀︎ twenty one.

—beomgyu

Even though it's not in my best interests, I end up hiding a lot of things from Yeonjun.

I've hidden the fact that since summer break of this year, I haven't been feeling the same. That things happened in my life that I wasn't prepared for, and took complete control over me. I've hidden the fact that in barely 3 years of knowing Yeonjun, for 6 months I haven't showed him my real self.

How completely awful I feel in the grand scheme of things. How I'm scared of growing up, how I never want to be at home because of the environment I have to endure, how I wish to spend more time with him but I'm scared he'll think I'm too clingy, following him around for prolonged windows of time.

I know that a reserved person like Yeonjun warns you to talk to them only when necessary. But sharing things with Yeonjun is a necessity, getting these things off my chest is a necessity. It's a blessing I have someone like Yeonjun to share my thoughts with, who takes my feelings into account, who acts as my entire support system.

Yeonjun, who hides a kitkat under my next the next day if I tell him how sad I am, who brushes my bangs aside to look deep into my eyes and ask me if I'm okay when I'm clearly not. Who snaps back at our chemistry teacher who, despite knowing I suck at the subject, asks me the hardest questions. Yeonjun, who makes my heart flutter every time he calls me with the beloved but unusual nickname, 'Beomblebee.'

But lately, he's changed too. I've noticed it in his behavior and small mannerisms. He's undertaking too much stress lately, more than one can handle. He's got a schedule that has his entire day planned out, down to every minute. I get scared each time I take a furtive glance at it. He's keeping track of his calorie intake and exercise regime, and honestly it makes me sick to the core how he's allowing to do this to himself.

He works at the boba shop down the street as a first experience of making money, he's volunteering at old age homes every Monday and Thursday, he's preparing for college entrance exams, he's constantly writing and polishing up his research paper whose deadline is in less than 2 weeks.

It seems that as much as he's willing to grow up and take charge, I'm all the more reluctant. When he takes 3 steps forward, I take 2 steps back. I feel as though we're falling out of touch, we're not on the same page anymore. And it's not his fault, it's mine. It's my fault because despite my age, I refuse to take responsibility. I don't take extra measures, I don't have the drive in me that he does.

If he wants to get something done, he does it. Just like he did when he proved the English teacher wrong who said he won't get anything higher than a C grade. Like he did when he read those numerous books on zoology because he was convinced that's what he wanted to do Master's degree in. Like he did when he takes notes for small things and includes it in that folder of "Random facts to be aware of."

I'm scared of breaking down, I'm scared of losing control over my emotions but strangely that's exactly what's been happening these past several months. He keeps telling me my emotions are haywire; all over the place, as if that's news to me. I just want him to comfort me all the time. I want him to say, "Even though I don't know exactly what that's like, you can count on me for your safety."

But I'm scared that he won't.

I guess I just lack reassurance. I guess I've just been deprived of the opportunity to be loved, so I expect everyone, especially Yeonjun, to side with me when things go wrong.

Maybe it's not his attitude I need to fix, maybe I need to fix myself.