YELLOW | yj x bg

☀︎ eleven.

—yeonjun

I love you so much it sends a blush through my cheek, thus reducing me to ashes. I stand next to you and I suddenly feel as though I'm miles close to the sun and could explode any second. When I stand next to you, I explode like a star, fireworks booming inside my chest.

But still I fail to capture your attention.

Still I spent another day crossing my fingers in secret, pleading with my brain, "Please let him notice me today. Please let him notice me." To be fair, it's not hard to capture your attention. All one has got to do is wave a Snickers bar in front of your eyes - a hypnosis in session - and wait until your eyes glaze over- and there! Mission complete.

But it's not that easy for me. Because it's like you've made an unspoken oath where you refuse to talk to me unless because of academic and personal life purposes. These days I find it hard not to be envious of Hueningkai - I keep thinking you two get along together better than you and I ever will.

But still I can't find it in myself to give up on you.

Because you're Beomgyu.

Because you're the one that I love.

The Beomgyu who does all these things for me: grab ahold of my beret that flys away on a rainy day, wait outside the school after basketball practice just to have late lunch with me, bring kawaii handmade Polaroids with cheesy sayings to school and hand them out for free, rush to the ramen shop whenever I text you and say I'm not doing well even if it's as late as 2 am.

I love you because unfortunately like the pencils you borrow from me regularly because you always forget to bring your pencil case, you've borrowed my heart. And unlike other things you borrow from me and quickly return, this time you refuse to give my heart back to me. And it makes me hate myself for loving you.

You're too naive for your own good, Beomgyu. You believe in the good of every person even if it's a criminal fresh out of prison. I don't think I've ever met someone like you before, nor do I want to, because being around someone who sees the beauty in everyday life reminds me that I can't do it myself. It reminds me of how I can't do it without you. I know you like the back of my hand but at the same time it's strangely as if I hardly know you at all.

Remember that time when I accidentally caught you gazing into the murky river dotted with lily pads; a body of water hidden in the myriad of trees craning up to the sunlight? You sat hugging your knees to your chest, your head buried into the burrow of your arms, more silent than I've ever seen you before. As if you were trying to become one with the grass, one with nature. You were breathing so slowly that panic seized my chest in an instant, thinking you'd stop breathing at all.

I was unsure whether or not you wanted to be alone, I didn't want to interrupt a moment where you were at such peace. But admittedly so, I was selfish that day. A me without you was a me non-existent. And so a rustling of leaves underfoot disturbed the silence as I made my way towards you, and I could sense the rhythm of your silence break.

I sat beside you, resting my head on your shoulder, trying desperately to match my breathing with yours. Deep breath in, deep breath out. My favorite music in the world is hearing your heartbeat, but in that moment it seemed as if your heart was frozen, bristling sharply like shards of ice.

I stared at the river. It stared back at me. We continued this staring contest for a long time. With each moment passing by, I felt the sudden urge to scratch my nails within my scalp and tear strands of my hair out- I was so unbelievably mad at myself for not being able to see the beauty in inanimate things that you saw. In nature. On the walk home. On windy or stormy days.

Perhaps a person is only capable of seeing in the outside world what they see inside themselves. Perhaps that's why everywhere I turned to look, I was overcome and swallowed by darkness, that's why I could only see nothingness for miles to come. You were my one glowing light. I didn't know where my life would take an unexpected turn, but I knew as long as you're happy, safe, bubbly, I'll be alright. Content. Satisfied.

That wondrous, tranquil night near the river was the first time I have seen you so silent. As if you've utterly, completely, defeatedly lost any and all kind of capacity in you to act as the bubbly person you're so well-known as among our circle. And never have I felt so sad looking at you before. You looked so close to tears right then and there, eyes like filled goblets of water that might start pouring out any second, like lanterns that were stolen of their emitting light thanks to the swirling storm.

I've never seen you sitting so quietly. It was starting to make me feel afraid. I just wanted to hold you in my arms and never let go of you forever. I wanted to kiss your forehead and remind you that you weren't alone. But I was afraid that if I got any closer, you'd lean backwards and look at me with utmost disgust.

And nothing could break my heart more.