YELLOW | yj x bg

☀︎ twenty three.

—beomgyu

Yeonjun thinks I'm purposely withdrawing myself from him these days, but I can't let him know. He's already caught on far than what's necessary, what with Hueningkai jokingly rolling my sleeves up, unbeknownst to the fact that there's hidden bruises underneath the soft fabric.

He can't know anything, none of my friends can. They'll think I'm not strong enough, they'll think I'm weak for not getting through this hardship; not being able to fix myself dinner because mom didn't leave me any leftovers, having to wake up an hour before I'm supposed to in the mornings because if I don't she'll blame me for making her late for work, getting low grades because I have decreasing amounts of concentration these past few days.

They'll think I'm weak, just as they had to when we went to the arcade and I got last place in the ice hockey challenge. Just as I barely passed my Mock 1 exams because the questions just didn't make sense to me, even though I revised the concepts well. Just as the voice in my head convinces me that they're whispering behind my back, judging me, berading me, wondering why I can't match up to their standards.

I know their only purpose is to joke around and that they really do care for me on the inside (how lucky I am to have friends like them), but sometimes I really do take things to heart. Sometimes I wish I was girl, maybe then crying could be something I'm allowed to do, that my classmates can just excuse for having hormones and teenage drama.

yeonjun
hey

I almost drop my phone in surprise. Yeonjun has told me countless times how he hates using messages and prefers to call instead because it's quicker, now here is texting me.

beomgyu
trying out something new, are you?

yeonjun
Is there something wrong with that?

A small burst of pain flashed through my heart because of how insensitive Yeonjun sounded for a moment there

beomgyu
i'm very sorry

beomgyu
i didn't mean to make you mad

yeonjun
??

yeonjun
You didn't make me mad

yeonjun
Sorry my sarcasm always comes off the wrong way

yeonjun
Anyways I just wanted to ask where you'd want to celebrate your birthday

beomgyu
my birthday?

yeonjun
Yeah, it's in less than a week right? Next Saturday?

The date was not what I was confused about, I look forward to it every year. I was confused about the fact that you're willing to spend it with me even though you have numerous other obligations to tend to. The fact that you're initiating the idea. Because no one has ever done that for me before. Not even my own family.

I'm sorry, Yeonjun, but I have to push you away.

beomgyu
oh, i'm not sure

beomgyu
i was hoping to spend it in the comfort of my home

yeonjun
That's cool

yeonjun
You don't mind if me and the other three barge in with a cake in our hands and helium balloons, do you?

beomgyu
are you kidding? not at all!!

beomgyu
i'm a bit skeptical because i remember you telling me there's an open house for your dream uni next saturday?

yeonjun
Oh, no... I actually read the date wrong

yeonjun
It's supposed to be on March 20th

I know that isn't true. You've been so excited for it these past 2 months, but now you're missing out on such a great opportunity just to be here with me on my birthday.

yeonjun
Good news, right?? We'll be able to spend the entire day together

yeonjun
We've got so many games planned, so many recipes we'll fail to make, so many embarrassing 'truth or dare' questions.

'You don't have to do this,' I wish I could say to him. Having 16 birthdays of my life  passing by without receiving a card or even well wishes has taught me that I shouldn't get my hopes up. I convinced myself that celebrating my birthday isn't anyone's responsibility but mine, without knowing that real friends do everything in their power to make sure your birthday is the one day of the year that you'll remember over any other.

I purposely didn't tell anyone this time last year that my birthday was coming up, not even to Hueningkai. I didn't want to be a burden.

I find it surprising that you still even care about me.

yeonjun
You still there?

beomgyu
yeah, yeah sure

beomgyu
looking forward to it

yeonjun
Ok great!

yeonjun
I'll see you at school tomorrow then?

beomgyu
yeah, see you tmrrw

—

But Yeonjun, in fact, did not see Beomgyu at school the next day. Nor the day after that, or the day after that.