71. diamond

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The forest blurred together as I ran, faintly I could hear Mikasa and Levi calling after me, but soon even their voices were a blur as I burst out of the woods and found myself on the outskirts of the training yard.

he can't be

My heart pounded in my chest as Mikasa's words played over and over again in my head.

'he's dead- we buried him yesterday- you- we couldn't find you'

he's dead

he's dead

When my legs finally gave out I found myself in front of a marble headstone, freshly turned dirt under my feet.

he's dead

Tears hot and heavy rolled down my cheek, staining the stone in front of me, I choked back my sobs- remembering the last conversation I had had with him.

did he die disappointed in me?

i never got to tell him why i did it

he never-

My thoughts raced on, the world around me blurring as I collapsed onto the ground in front of the stone.

i had all but given up on saving him

and now

in the same moment that i decided to latch onto hope it has abandoned me

"Y/N?" A familiar voice, Levi's, called out for me.

fuck off

"Can you please just leave me alone?" I sobbed, unable to bring myself to look at him, "that's what you want from me anyway right? To have to talk to me again."

"That isn't-" I could hear him approaching, "I'm sorry."

"Save it," I hissed, "this isn't the time."

"Still I-"

"Are you listening to me? I don't want to hear it- leave me alone. Do what you were talking about and live quietly with your family, forget me- forget that this ever happened- forget all of it."

do whatever you want just leave me alone

you're confusing me

i can't have that

"Is that really what you want?" Levi's voice wavered slightly- holding back.

what are you talking about?

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I whirled around to face him, slightly taken aback by the look of profound sadness in his eyes, "isn't that what you want?"

silence

"I'm making this easy for you," I shook my head at him, "my father just died- I don't want to get into this with you- it doesn't matter what I want."

"It does," Levi insisted, crouching down to my level.

that sounds like a load of bullshit coming from you

"Does it?" I scoffed, "because I think if it really did you wouldn't have ignored me- if it mattered what I wanted we wouldn't even be having this conversation- if it mattered what I wanted my father would be alive."

a week ago i would have believed that you had my best interests at heart

but now

it hurts to look at you

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