Borderline Love

Chapter six

I walked up to the nurses' station and asked if I could get a copy of their notes. 

"We don't give out notes, but I'll ask the doctor when he comes back through."

I thanked the nurse and made my way to the breakfast cart. I could already tell the food was going to be cold. I searched for my white styrofoam tray and yet there was nothing there. 

 "Umm excuse me," I asked the tech who looked smug. "Where is my tray?"

"If its not here, it probably got thrown away or took by one of the other residents," he said.

"What? Y'all didn't keep it for me? What a load of crap!" I stared at him sternly. "Fine!" I hissed as I stumbled my way towards my bedroom.

"No ma'am," a nurse called out to me. "You have to go to the day room for group."

I shook my head in disbelief. You've got to be fucking kidding me. So I made my way once more to the social room where they were holding group. I was lucky to find a spot in an end chair which meant I only had to deal with sitting next to one person instead of two. 

"Why is this mandatory?" I whispered to myself, but the woman next to me shrugged as if to answer.

We listened to this lady talk about coping skills and how we need to stay on our medicine. You know the same thing we hear every morning on the intercom at 7 am. That shit frustrates the hell out of me. Like who wakes up at 7 am and wants that shit blaring? I thought the whole point of this grippy sock vacation was to get away from unneeded stress. She then tried to get all of us to chip into the conversation, failing miserably as only one patient decided to talk. I barely heard what he had to say. I'm sure it was incredibly insightful.

Although we still had two hours before lunch, my stomach was gurgling something fierce. I decided to pick up a coloring page that was laying across one of the blue round tables. These tables were so heavy it took three of us to move them. I managed to color three rainbows and a picture of a mandala before lunch. You never know how spoiled you are to technology until you don't have it. Finally the lunch call made it.

"At last," I giggled to myself. First good news I'd had all week.

Lunch was over far too quickly, unlike the other day where we had to wait on the staff to get done with theirs. We ended up eating the same meal as before too. Gross. I hate repeats of meals...that and leftovers. Our bedroom was unlocked for early shower time today as well. It was shaping up to be a decent day I suppose. I was so excited to get a shower. The ward gave me this filthy feeling all over. Like I was soaking in the germs of other people's sick minds and chaotic lives. I had enough of that shit of my own. I certainly didn't need theirs on top of it.
I grabbed the stained, brittle white towel and wash rag along with my "beauty" container that held all the soaps and stuff the hospital provided.

 Unfortunately, I didn't know we could bring our own so I was stuck with these awful smelling, waxy bars that made me gag. Nevertheless I had to shower. The water was lukewarm with barely any pressure. I had asked for a razor, expecting to be denied, but weirdly, they gave me one. I couldn't believe they actually trusted me with it. To be fair, I never did mention that I wanted to cut myself at intake. I got all washed up and started to shave my legs. They had grown way to long for my comfort. At that same moment, the voice started playing.  Why don't you cut your thigh? No one would know. Go ahead, do it! The voices continued telling me to hurt myself in various ways, even kill myself. They told me that was my only option besides escaping because otherwise I'd be locked in here forever.

While I knew I shouldn't do it, staring at the the open blade was really tempting. I was so tired of all these intense emotions. It didn't matter if I was on medicine, they were still there holding my soul hostage. All of sudden my head started to get fuzzy. The room started swaying.