Borderline Love

CH 18

You're not good enough, no one could ever love such a piece of shit of a little girl. The memory kept reminding me. I kept visioning the belt across my back and the back of a hand to my tiny face. No one deserves that, my therapist said but is it true? I don't think I was a bad girl. I stayed to myself. But dad would always beat me anytime he would get angry or something went wrong. I really need a drink. Maybe I'll grab one later. It wouldn't hurt to get out of this house for a bit. I love Rachel and Sean but I need a vacation. Everything seems black or white right now. Nothing seems as it is. My abandonment issues have Rose to the surface. I'm so scared she's going to leave me. What if I am so mentally fucked that she can't handle it any longer? My brain raced for hours. From childhood trauma to remembering my cut. It was just becoming too overwhelming. I couldn't regulate myself no matter how much I tried my new coping skills.

Rachel was still at work, it was a late night. Sean was doing his dolls when I decided that I would make a margarita. I asked him if he wanted one but with an answer of a no. I shrugged it off and poured a heavy glass of tequila and the sweet and sour mix into one of the margarita glasses. After about three in me, I started getting irritated that Rachel still wasn't home. SHe did that, always overworking herself. I just wanted time with her. She was my favorite person and I needed cuddles. It was a rough day and of course she wasn't around to comfort me.

"Sean, I'm going out."

"Where are you going?"

"Just for a drive."

"OKay be safe."

"Yup."

I exited the house and made my way to the jeep. I drove for thirty minutes before I settled at Boogies for a drink. I was glad she wasn't working there that night. Not sure I could face her right now.

"Two tequila shots and a liquid marajuna." I ordered at the bar. It felt rude coming out of my mouth but fuck it right. They should have gotten me first before the ugly bastard down the wooden row at the end of the bar corner. Two tequila shots appeared. She forgot my drink. At this point I was livid. Why can't someone do their damn job?

"Excuse me bartender, you forgot my drink."

"Oh sorry, it'll be right up.'' She started making my drink. It wasn't heavy enough with tequila as I would have liked but oh well. I probably should have checked in with Rachel but I forgot my phone at the house. Shit. Oh well. About an hour later and three more shots in my system I played the jukebox to my favorite song, TiK tok. I let the lights in the room above me guide me onto the dance floor. There really wasn't a dance floor but after moving some tables and chairs, I made one. Three more songs in and another drink, things started to finally hit. I stumbled my way to the bathroom where I proceeded to puke. It didn't help that I hadn't eaten all day. I made my way back to the bar and laid my head on the wooden counter.

Next thing I knew I could hear a familiar voice.

"Rose, Rose, come on. You're drunk, let's get you home."

Still unsure who it was, I followed them staggering along the way. I blacked out apparently. I woke up to Rachle glaring down at me. My head spinning, my stomach turning I grabbed our trash can next to the bed and hurled.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said.

"What are you talking about?"

"You were gone all night. If it wasn't for Sarah at the bar calling me I wouldn't have known where you had gone. I couldn't get a hold of you on your phone. You wouldn't answer my text either."

"oh yeah, I forgot it at home. oops."

"Oops, no. You can't do that shit again."

"Why are you so mad?"