Borderline Love

Ch 14

Dear journal: I woke up today with a sense of dread. I want to blame it on the moon but the truth is I just feel lonely. Even though I was laying next to the best thing that ever happened to me, I have this fear that she's going to leave me. This is the underlying problem of always feeling guilt or paranoid. I hate when I get this way. Today was going to be a bad day, I just knew it was. My emotions were heightened. My stomach in knots. I feel so guilty that she has to deal with me. Although she is constantly reassuring me she's not going anywhere, there's still this feeling like something bad is going to happen. I feel so disconnected from my body.

"Good morning beautiful" Rachel turning over giving me a gentle kiss.

"Good morning sweetheart. I know this sounds weird but I've missed that smile. I know last week was rough. I really don't mean to be so emotional. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed."

I was referring to my outburst of mood swings that played out through out the week.

"You don't have to apologize for having emotions. It's okay to feel. Just try not to throw things next time, okay? Why don't we go get some breakfast."

"Not sure I can eat, my stomach is upset. Go ahead and I'll catch up to you shortly."

"As long as you are sure, love."

"I'm sure." Securing her with a kiss.

I ended up falling back to sleep for another hour or so. I woke up just in time to see her off to work. I planted myself down onto the couch next to Sean.

"Any plans for the day?" Sean asked in curiosity.

"Not really. Stomach is upset so I think I might just try to relax."

"That's understandable. You have been through a lot. Maybe it's time to just find what you enjoy again."

"Fair point."

"I've got some paints if you want."

"Painting sounds fun, actually."

Sean went to the hall closet pulling out a box of paints and canvas. I ended up painting on the porch for most of the day. Just letting my inner emotions out. Hours later Rachel came home.

"Hey guys, I'm home." Rachel called out entering the livingroom.

Sean leaned in for a kiss and I just waved and went back to my phone.

Rachel sat down after getting out of her work clothes.

"Doing okay? You seem distant."

"I'm fine." As I doomed scrolled Facebook.

"How's your stomach? You didn't really text me much today. I sorta got worried about you."

"Stomach is fine. I just painted today and took a nap." My words came off mundane and even slightly cold.

"Oh okay." She said gripping my leg attempting to comfort me.

A few days later I found myself manic cleaning the house. I had to do something or else she would think I was lazy and hate me. At least that's what my thought's told me.

"You know you don't have to clean everything." Sean said taking the broom from me.

"I know. Just wanted to do something nice. Ya'll have been so kind to me. It's the least I can do."

"Just don't over do yourself."

I nodded and continued to clean up the last bit of the kitchen. I threw in the load of clothes into the dryer and promptly brought the hamper into the livingroom to start folding them. Rachel looked at me with concern.