Borderline Love

CH 16

It all started with me blacking out. I fell and not only hit my head on the coffee table I managed to tear my rotator cuff. After a long time in the ER with no reason to the black out, we finally made it home. I ended up in a sling and was referred to an orthopedic doctor. The next day was my appointment with the neurologist following from the previous tests they did on me. We sat into a white, cold patient room and waited there for 20 minutes. Knock knock, the door opened. A gentleman with gray hair, slightly slim with a white lab coat which read his name as Dr. Caelus. "Hello, which one of you is my patient? Shaking both of our hands." Rachel insisted she come to my appointment. "I am," raising my hand like some school girl."Great, so we took some labs and tests a few weeks ago, correct?""Yes that's correct." You know that, so why are you asking."Let's take a look." He typed something in his computer that was hung against the wall of the room. It looked fancy with bright colors. "So everything looks normal. Can you tell me about your black outs?""Well, I've had them since I was probably 17, 18 at the most. There isn't really a trigger that I know of.""I think it may be psychological.""I don't understand?""Sometimes the brain when in heightened states try to protect itself and in some cases the body has reactions, for example your's is the black out. Can you tell me what was happening during the previous one?""Well my wife and I got into an argument. But surely that didn't cause it.""Have they ever occurred when you were emotionally upset?" "I guess so.""I see.""Isn't there any other tests? This is the fourth neuro doctor I've been to. Everyone says the same thing. "Everything is normal. We don't know what's causing your black outs."""I'm afraid there isn't we have tested you for everything in the book that deals with black outs.""Isn't there any type of different medicine? Nothing seems to be working.""We have tried everything medication wise too. I recommend you talk to your therapist.""Great..." I trailed off trying not to cry.Rachel squeezed my hand as we walked out into the parking lot away from the hideous, no good, not useful building. "It's okay. We will figure this out, love." Rachel claimed as she tried to support me the best way she could given the circumstances."It's so frustrating. How the fuck is this mental?""I don't have the answers but I promise we will get to the bottom of this."We took a quick drive through for food and caffeine. I still couldn't believe the tests came back negative. Something was obviously going on. I shook my head trying to get the thoughts away. I couldn't focus on it any longer. It was making my anxiety bad and shifting my mood into a dark space. I needed a distraction quickly. After talking, we ended up browsing goodwill. While it was a manic and impulse trip, I needed the distraction. I just couldn't handle the day. There was nothing that fit or interested me so we left. After a long day at the doctors, I made it to the couch just in time for me to break down into tears. Rachel sat next to me doing her best to hold me close. I just couldn't stop crying. I was so tired of doctors telling me nothing was wrong and that it was therapy that I needed. Like I'm already in therapy. If it was therapy that I needed then why do the black outs still linger? Still flabbergasted, I decided to have a few drinks of wine. It wasn't the best idea. Rachel and I fought that evening."If you will just let me be there for you. Why is that so hard.""I can do it on my own, you know. I don't need your help. Plus apparently nothing is wrong with me.""You obviously have something happening. We just haven't found the right test. Can you just please calm down."I walked away from the conversation and landed myself in the chair out on the patio. The tears just streamed down my face as if we were facing a hurricane. The anger, the depression, the anxiety, it all hit at once. I was not okay. All I could think about is a blade against my thigh even though I promised her I would never cut again, it was still tempting. I walked to the bathroom passing Rachel and Sean, completely ignoring their attempt to communicate with me. I turned around and locked the door behind me. I turned on the shower with no cold water running too. I looked around the cabinet for the box. The box that held our razors. I grabbed a pink blade, broke the plastic off and sat on the toilet. Still eyes filled with fear and sorrow I took it to my wrist. It took me nearly an hour to be brave enough to go out to the living room and apologize for breaking the rule. I couldn't help it. My body took over and there was nothing left I could do. Once I finally made it to the living room with my arm in a towel, I explained I needed to go to the hospital at once. Not telling them until we got into the truck that I cut myself, I felt guilty. Not just because of cutting but because of it all. Sashas overdose, I could have done more for her. The engagement was supposed to be full of happiness but instead I was just full of fear that she would still leave me. We finally made it to the hospital twenty minutes later. My crimson color started soaking through the beige towel. I was in grief over Sasha, and scared of the engagement. I felt nothing but emptiness. Just a void. A black deep dark void. Shaking my head in chaos Rachel grabs my other wrist and pulls me closer to her as we walk into the pale white emergency room. The smell of the cleaning alcohol made me gag. There were several people there. Some with masks, some without. There's a section divided with blue curtains, that's where the covid or flu people have to sit. "Hello, I need to be seen. I cut my arm open.""Just fill out this form and we'll get to you when we can." she had a rude undertone like she had been working a triple shift. I understand the lobby was busy but she was beyond rude. I took the brown clipboard and blue ball point pen and made my way to the nearest window. Rachel and Sean followed dat down next to me but not without being cramped on either side."Can you help me fill this out?" crying, looking over at rachel."Of course." I hung the clipboard with the pen. Not long after I turned the paper in. It was nearly 40 minutes before we got called back."So what's the problem Bowmen" "I cut myself." i unwrapped the towel and cloth bandages. It was worse then I thought. I could see the muscle tissue. It looked as if some took a saw to my arm. "It looks like you have a nasty wound there. How did this happen?""I...I..." "It's okay Rose." Rachel putting her hand over my shoulder. "I cut myself.""I see that. By accident or purposefully?""The latter.""Gotcha. Well, let's stitch you up and get you some help." He left shortly to grab supplies."What did he mean to get me help... he surely isn't going to send me to the crazy pen. They barely fed me last time. I...I... I can't go back.""Maybe going and getting seen isn't such a bad idea. You've been struggling and even your therapist has mentioned intake to help you over this hump. With Sasha dying, it's no wonder you're struggling. Grief gets us all but sometimes we can't always handle it well.""I'm not going back to that hell hole.""Rose... I think it's for the best. You cut yourself out of depression and anger.""I won't go.""Sweetie...maybe we can see if there's a different hospital you can go to that would be better fitting."The door opened, it was the doctor with the supplies for the stitches."So tell me Miss Bowmen, what brought you to this point?""I don't know." "Did something major happen?""She found out her old roommate overdosed and we just got engaged." Rachel interrupted."Congrats on the engagement. And I'm sorry to hear about your friend."I nodded. Although Sasha and I weren't that close I was close enough that I grieved for her. No one should go like that. The doctor numbed my arm with a needle and stitched me up. "Rose, I want you to talk to one of your social service personnel." As he finished the last stitch. There was 10 in total."Fine.""I'll be right back and she'll be in shortly.""Okay." is all that I could manage to get out.Knock knock "Yeah." I answered."Is this Bowmen""Yes.""I'm Sasha Hamen"As soon as I heard her name I started bawling. "Fuck why does your name have to be hers." I squealed.The social worker looked confused with her Vanilla folder. Rachel peeped in, "sorry she just lost a friend by suicide. Her name was Sasha.""I see. I'm so sorry for the loss, miss Bowmen."I just kept sobbing. I couldn't breathe. My heart pounded and pounded, my head began to spin. I grabbed Rachel. "Are you okay?" the social worker asked."Does it look like I'm okay?" I smarted off. "Fair point. I'm here to do an assessment to see if you need some extra help. Can you answer a couple of questions for me?""Sure," I replied, wiping my tears away."The first question, do you or have you in the past week feel empty or feel like you wish you were dead?""I always feel that way.""Second question, do you think you're a harm to yourself other others?"She continued with the questioning. We were finally done thirty minutes later."Rose by your evaluation, I think you would highly benefit from one of our intake programs.""I really don't want to go back.""I understand but can you safely say you won't do this again""...""My point is miss Bowmen, is you really need the extra help right now. Not only to help you process your grief but maybe get you on a different medication.""My meds haven't been working...""See. let's get you in.""Can I go to a different one than here? I had a horrible experience here and wouldn't feel like I'm getting actual help.""Sure. We have a second sister program. It focuses on trauma and building coping skills. It would actually really benefit you.""Fine.""I'll go get the papers ready.'' She walked out of the door, closing it almost completely closed leaving an inch apart from the doorway. Rachel, "I'm so proud of you.""There's nothing to be proud of," I whispered under my breath."Don't talk like that. This is a big step into recovery. You need this. We need this. I will be right here through the whole thing. You're not alone."She gave me a hug and kissed my forehead then down to my mouth. The social worker came in sometime later and escorted me to an ambulance which drove me to the other hospital. They wouldn't let Rachel in but she was allowed in at pre-op when we got there. "I know this is hard right now and it's scary but you'll be out in no time. This is a good thing.""I guess.'' Still unable to register, I was really going back into the psych ward. I shut myself off and zoned out during intake. I barely remember the questions or them taking my vitals or even the body search. I said goodbye to Rachel as they put the wristband around my wrist. I kissed her goodbye and left it at that.After the million questions from the nurses desk, I finally was able to go to my room. It was practically 8 pm and dinner had already been served. I could feel my stomach growl but I ignored it much like I did for the following week. This time I had no roommate which I secretly hated. The food was average but the nurse staff were okay. A week had passed and I still was low to the ground. A new week came and a new doctor & therapist showed up. "Bowmen," the intercom vocalized. "Come to the nurses station" immediately the day room got quiet and stared at me. Nosey people they were. I got up slowly and made my way to the front desk. "Yes?""Your therapist will see you soon. Please sit in the chair next to the office,"I was grateful I would have a new therapist this week. Last week's therapist just kept asking me how I felt about everything instead of getting to the actual issue. "Good morning bowmen, I am Mclard. You can call me mica."I shook her hand and led my way back into the empty, boring space. The walls were colored brown. And there were only two chairs and a desk which had a broken leg. "So tell me Rose, what are you in for""I cut myself,""I see, but that's just an action. What are you really in here for?""I guess depression,""There you go. Depression a bitch isn't?I choked on my saliva when I heard her cuss. Unprofessional but fuck yeah. Finally someone who isn't chicken shit to say what they really feel."Mhm," I managed."So you cut yourself, your depressed. What else? What happened to lead you to go the lengths of cutting?""I've just been overwhelmed and feeling hopeless.""Tell me more about this.""Well I got engaged," she congratulated me, "Then I found out my friend Sasha died by overdose. She took her own life.""Well congrats on the engagement and sorry for your loss. Grief is one of the hardest emotions to process. Do you think you've processed them?""I guess so.""I'm going to call the BS card. I think you're avoiding your emotions. I understand they're strong right now and that can be scary but without going through the process you're going to stay stuck.""...""So let's talk about the engagement. How do you feel about it?""Umm...I'd say I was happy.""You seem distant when you say that. What's bothering you about the engagement?""I just don't feel worthy of her. It's already a battle let alone topping with marriage. Dedication isn't the issue. The issue I feel is my hopelessness. What if she leaves me after get married because she can't handle me?""From what time I talked to her, she seems to be a very supportive person and cares deeply for you. What makes you think she will leave you?""She is really supportive, maybe too much. Everyone else has left, eventually. So will she.""And if she doesn't?""She will.""We have to change our negative thinking to rational thinking. Do you think it's rational to compare your mentally ill ex's to this supportive "love of my life" woman?""No.""Then let's turn it around. Say something like this, although I feel hopeless sometimes, I know she loves me and she won't leave me.""Okay,""Now I want you to repeat it anytime you get those negative feelings about the engagement or her in general."I nodded in agreement waiting for her to continue."Now let's talk about the hard stuff, the suicide of your friend. What do you think is the hardest part of it?""I guess it was an overdose. I could have gotten her more help when I lived with her but she always refused any type of assistance, even from her boyfriend Jake.""Then there wasn't much you could do about it could you?""I guess not.""Sometimes we put guilt on ourselves that is not ours to carry. It's okay to grieve and it's okay to feel sad or even angry but holding onto something like "getting her more help" is just going to cause more chaos and hopelessness. Tell me what you are feeling at this moment?""I feel sad, angry.""Tell me about them. I'm sad that she died the way she did. And I'm angry that I wasn't there for her. But I had to cut our friendship off because she was toxic.""You can't do anything to raise the dead but you can write her a letter. Try writing a letter to her like you would as if she was alive. You don't have to share it with me or anyone else. This is just for you." "I see you have BPD, how is that going?""You mean besides the chaos in my head?""Yes, the chaos.""It's fine... I have had my ups and downs until recently. I thought I was okay.""You're not fine and that's okay. We all have our moments. It's okay to not be okay. We have shit we have to work through. Some of us just need extra help doing so.""..." again silence in my head and my mouth couldn't speak. Everything she said made sense but still I felt the dread."You feel dreadful don't you?" she asked, poking at me."Yes," is she reading my mind?"And why do you think that is so,""I feel guilty for cutting. I let down my wife and I'll never gain her trust again.""Again with a false belief. You may have upset her but she generally cares and loves you. She isn't going to leave you. And trust can be gained back, just be patient with her as heals herself.""Okay..."We sat in silence again.