First thing Cartman needed to do if he wanted to fake wanting Kyle's love is... Be nice to him. Okay, maybe this was going to be hard, then he thought.
What is being genuinely nice? Compliments? Destroying one's enemies? Cartman thought about it.
Obviously, Cartman's idea of being genuinely nice was... probably messed up. So what was Cartman going to do? Well, there are like a thousand movies and shows based on friendship. Maybe they could help.
Cartman goes to his TV and tries to find something; that's when he stumbles upon the friendship movies of all friendship movies... My Little Pony.
Cartman stares blankly at it before sighing and clicking on it. This better be worth it.
~*~
It wasn't. Good movie, taught him nothing; all he got out of it was... tax fraud? How did he—never mind.
Cartman gets up, "Lame," he mutters as he heads to the kitchen. He grabs Cheesy Poofs and heads back to the TV. Terrance and Phillip were on.
As he sits there, eating the Cheesy Poofs, watching two full-grown men farting on each other, he gets a text.
He ignores it at first, but then he got another, and another, and another. Soon enough, Cartman got annoyed and just checked.
It was from Kenny. Cartman forgot he even had Kenny's number; in fact, Cartman didn't even know he had a phone, at least not a modern one.
"What do you want Kenny?" Cartman texted.
"I'm bored, Fattas. Kyle and Stan aren’t answering," Kenny texted back.
"Ok? Go fuck Butters or something then."
"Can't. He's grounded, again."
"Lame."
Cartman was about to throw his phone away and go back to the TV when he got an idea.
"Say Kenny. You're in a relationship with Butters right?" he texts.
"Yeah? Why?"
"Get your ass over here!"
"Alright. But I'm getting Cheesy Poofs."
"No, you aren’t, poor fuck."
Cartman throws his phone and waits for Kenny.
As they settle in, Cartman explains how he has no idea how to be genuinely nice, "I need people to know that I'm not trying to trick them," Cartman lied; in reality, he was learning this to trick the fuck out of Kyle.
Kenny, ever the nonchalant character, takes a moment to think before offering a surprisingly insightful perspective. "Dude, just be yourself, but like, the less jerk version of yourself. Maybe throw in a compliment once in a while. It ain't rocket science; how the fuck do you not know how to be genuinely nice?"
"Cause I've never needed to be!" Cartman yells back, "Everyone here sucks, and I like showing it!"
"Dude, that's just... sad."
"Shut up, poor boy!"
Kenny smirks, "Alright, fine. Let's see if we can salvage any decency from your sorry excuse for a personality."
Kenny and Cartman proceed to have a very thoughtful and heartfelt conversation, and Cartman learns that maybe he doesn't need to be such a—yeah no, just kidding. Cartman learns how to trick people into thinking he's actually being nice thanks to the probably, if not the 1st nicest, then 2nd nicest person there.
But don't worry. Kenny did, in fact, steal some Cheesy Poofs.
-What y'all think?
-Word Count: 533
YOU ARE READING
"I'm not lying." Cartman x Kyle
Fanfiction[Book 7] You do not need to read any book before this for it to make sense. "I'm trying to make a realistic Kyman book. So, Cartman will be a psycho, and Kyle will be preachy. Don't expect any genuine fluff. This is kind of a joke book; it will not...
