Behind the screen / H.HJ Centric (HIATUS)

I said stop.

(not proof read)

,,M-Minho.." I stuttered , looking straight at the shocked face of the elder . No one said anything , there was a heavy silence in the room that made everything tense . My heart was beating even harder and faster now , feeling like it would explode in any seconds . 

My hands were trembling in fear , is this it? Was this how a member finds out ? I can't even do this right .... all I do is being a failure and burden at this point . If I could disappear right now , I wouldn't even think twice and actually runaway or disappear , but I cant . I can't just run off , no . I am stuck to the floor , my body not daring to move a bit . 

All I could feel was my heavy breathing and my head throbbing heavily . 

,,Hyunjin..." His voice was soft , his body still glued on the same place between the doorframe . 

,,I-It's not what you think , I've been feeling n-nauseous the whole day and d-didn't want to worry any of you guys." I spat , trying to find any excuse . 

His mouth opened but closed right after - his eyebrows meeting each other as he slowly moved closer , as if I would be some kind of dangerous reptile . 

,,That did not look like you threw up because of nauseous jin..." He sat down in front of me with his legs crossed , starring right at me . I tried to not make eye contact , not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes . Nothing , nothing came to my mind to maybe get away with it again . Should I give up?

'No Hyunjin , if you give up you will be a bigger burden .'

'Do you really think he will care about you?'

'Oh come on , poor hyunjin doesn't know how to get away haha.'

I felt the tears filling my eyes and making my sight blurry . I kept on hugging my legs , gulping down the feeling of the urge to hurt myself . 

,,Hyunjin , are you .... are you making yourself throw up?" The realization hits hard , harder than I thought it would . No , no I dont want to admit it even tho it's the pure truth . I dont want to realize what I am doing to myself just to look pretty , I do not want to realize that I am stuck in a bubble and I do not want to realize that no matter how hard I would try , I will never get the old Hyunjin back again . 

A hot tear slipped down my cheek which I instantly wiped away . My bottom lip was being chewed open again until I felt an irony taste filling my mouth . 

,,Hyunjin , answer me." His voice was strict , making me jump at the sudden voice change . I shook my head , no. I am not . Even tho the red marks on my knuckles tell otherwise , even tho the bones that were sticking out tell otherwise , even tho my head is telling otherwise and even tho my body is telling otherwise . 

,,No? what were you doing then ? Why , why would someone push their fingers down their throat until everything comes up again just to cry right after? Tell me hyunjin ." Was it really like this ? The way I pressed my chewed fingernails into the palm of my hand until there were bleeding prints on them . 

I don't want this conversation to continue , I want it to end . now. Because I know , if minho keeps on talking , I will cry in front of him , showing my weakness once again . 

,,I-I didn't.." ,,didn't what? come on , keep on lying." The throbbing grew stronger , my head about to explode .

,,Minho stop it ." ,,No hyunjin , what did I just see." ,,Minho I said stop it , please." I put my head into my hands , rubbing my burning eyes while still feeling the unwanted presence in front of me .