Behind the screen / H.HJ Centric (HIATUS)

See you again

When I was little , there were no worries . I wouldn't worry about those little things like 'what will the consequences be?' or 'maybe this isnt right' and so on. My dad told to not worry so much and just worry about the people around me and my health but not the other things like food , future or maybe even death . My dad used to do slam poem , letting me watch how he performances and slam those harsh but true words into the room, making people realize some things . He often talked about rape or maybe even how overworked kids are in school . I wanted to be like him , strong , creative , handsome and many other things. He told me I should take of the things around me but 'what if I get so selfless that I forget about myself?' what if I start to think I need to be perfect to satisfy the other ones . 'Dont think so much' but what else should I do? Shouldn't I think too much about myself ? maybe I am selfish but dont notice . Everything is so loud in my head when something comes up which makes me think a lot , like 'stop' or 'keep thinking because you can't do something wrong or you will be judged ' 

I realized i was afraid of being judged and making people disappointed . I'm afraid of arguments and most of the sentence 'I didnt mean it , I was just mad.' . I am afraid of the person that I love hurting me and it doesn't hurt them . I am afraid of realizing that a person that used to love me , doesn't love me anymore . I didnt want to go to sleep couple of years back because I didnt want the day to end yet . I was scared of what will happen tomorrow or I was scared and didnt want to go to school because 'the teacher is so annoying' or 'I dont understand this question'. I wish I had those problems now . Few years back I was used to turn my sadness into jokes , coping with it only that way . Does it bother me ? Yes. will I ever tell someone? no. Simple thing . 

From a young age I always felt the need to stay quiet. 'shush' , they'd say. 'you talk too much' , 'why are you being so loud?', my inner child's cries were silenced . When all it wanted was to be heard and-

,,There you are hyunjin , where were you?" I was about to walk up the stairs as I heard a sudden voice behind me. I turned around , facing a tired Bangchan with coffee in his right hand and in the other one his phone . 

,,I was on a walk and bought some coffee ." I smiled , now fully facing him . He nodded , looking at the ground before opening his mouth . He looked like he was trying to ask or say something but it wouldn't come out . 

,,You do know that today is photo shooting right?" He pointed at me with his fingers , eyebrows raised . ,,What ? I thought we are taking a break?" I asked , frowning at the thought of another photoshoot . ,,Well yes , this is the last one , I promise . It's just for the 5-stars come back uhm today is Super Bowl shoot like from the music video ." I nodded , rolling my eyes . I am so tired , why can't we just do that when it's out ? Let me have a little break ... 

,,Okay , when ?" Last question . Maybe I can take a little nap before- ,,In 2 hours, they also have a photoshoot with someone else and yeah." Fuck this . I feel like I need to cry ... why .... why . 

I turned around , not saying something else before walking up the stairs and into my room . I sat down in front of my bed , leaning against it . I took a deep breath , closing my eyes . ,,Why is life so overwhelming ?" I hid my eye under the palm of my hand . I try not to cry . The lack of food and sleep drives me crazy . 

I could just eat and sleep later but that would make everything worse . I would more like to starve than have a guilty feeling after and cry like a baby . I threw my head back , now laying on the soft mattress. 

Everything was cold and so grey . I have goosebumps littering my whole body as I slowly pull my legs up to my chest , hugging them . Maybe this makes me feel a bit warmer . 

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,,Are you ready?" Jeongin smiles , standing right in front of my room . I look at him , fixing my concealer . ,,Uhm yeah I think so." I smile back , not wanting to be unpolite . ,,Great , we are leaving now . Want me to take something downstairs for you?" Why is this so nice ... I feel a bit warmer but just a bit . 

My breathing stays calm as I look at him again . ,,No thanks , im just gonna take my bag ." I smile as he walked out the room . I take a deep breath , beginning to shake out of a sudden .

,,Why am I shaking now?" The moment jeongin left my body felt cold again and began to shake . I looked around , spotting my bag . ,Risky , but if that helps now , it will be better.' I walked up to my bed where my bag was placed. 

I stirred thru it , searching for my cigaret package . As I finally found it , it took it out and walked up to my window . I opened it wide , the cold breeze hitting me right in the face . I took a deep breath of the fresh air , feeling calm from the feeling . 

,They wouldn't notice.' I placed the cigar between my lips . I held my hand in front of it as I tried to lit it , saving it from the wind . After a few second it finally burned . I took a long drag , leaning outside the window and blowing out the toxic chemicals . It felt like the meal that I needed . 

Peace ran thru my body as I forgot all my worries for a second . I know it wouldn't last long and when im downstairs im going to have a bad headache because of the thoughts again , but for now it's worth it . 

As the cigar slowly starts to disappear , I admired the pretty but also not pretty view from my window . I saw some stores and people walking outside . I should be scared of someone seeing me , but I couldn't care less . Im a fully grown man and if someone doesn't accept this , they shouldn't accept me in general . 

As I took a final drag , I pressed the cigar butt on the window sill . There are many black , brownish circles already , but it's not that visible . I threw it out and closed the window again . I grabbed my perfume , drenched myself in it before grabbing my stuff and walking downstairs . The after taste of cigarets isn't the best but sometimes it just makes me think I ate something . 

,,Here you are , what took you so long ?" Lee know stood there with everyone , forgetting about the conversation with Han . ,,Uhm I was searching for my phone , couldn't find it." I awkwardly smiled , showing my phone . 

,,Anyways , we need to go now." Bangchan walked outside to the van , stepping inside . 

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,,We're here." The driver smiles , looking at us . I just sat there , not wanting to stand up or do something . All I want to do is lay in my bed , draw , listen to music or even call with inyeop. 

After we had our coffee we kept talking for 2 hours until a waitress told us to leave because some people want to eat . We took a small walk before he drove me back home . It was really nice , I could finally talk about my interests because it turns out that he also likes drawing , dancing and other things I like . 

I smiled and laughed pretty often , feeling so comfy . I dont know what happened but he really has an affect on me . 

,,Cmon hyunjin ." Seungmin annoyingly said , looking at me from outside . ,,Right , sorry." I stepped outside , making my way into the large building . Staff , makeup artists and stylist were already waiting , some on their phone and some having a little chat . 

,,Good morning , we are stray kids . We are here for the photoshoot ." Bangchan talked to one of the workers , bowing while smiling . ,,Oh yeah right , well I am Zuyang the manager of the whole photoshoot and this is our photographer." 

The man walked into the room . I looked at him before my eyes filled with pure horror . ,,Good to see you again." he smiled evil-ish.