Evie | H.S |

123. LA mood pt. 1

When I was a kid and envisioning what success looked like to me, it was Los Angeles.

It was a place up in the Hollywood Hills, long lunches in Beverly Hills and nights out on the Sunset Boulevard. It was living independently, making a sustainable living off music and frequenting iconic studios like Sunset Sound, Capitol, Sound City, Henson and travelling for a work-stay at Shangri-La studios.

But now that I was almost a month into my stint in LA, I was realising that it was just another city, different studios and I was still working my arse off to make it work. Things just weren't getting easier. Every win came with a new set of challenges. Though maybe my bad mood was just seeing me become a little cynical and disillusioned.

I'd secured a short-term lease in south Pasadena through someone Matina had put me in touch with. It wasn't anything super luxurious but it came furnished and was reasonably priced and reasonably secure which is all I could hope for given the cost of living in LA. It was almost a stretch to cover rent so I was in my savvy, stingy era living off pot noodles, canned tuna and pre-made salads that were on discount.

Getting around Los Angeles wasn't like London. I wasn't in walking distance of any of the places I'd been frequenting so I had to go rent a car; a little red Mini Cooper. I had no choice other than to force myself to learn to comfortably drive on the opposite side of the road. And so long as I was driving sober and the traffic wasn't too overwhelming, I think I could handle it.

I never contacted Alex after his announcement. It felt pointless because he was clearly unreasonable, immature and fuelled by his ego.

If the bullshit I was copping was bad after the cover image was revealed, the music video he dropped on the 26th of December saw that ramp up tenfold.

Outwardly I'd always tried to act like I couldn't give a fuck what other people had to say about me. I liked to think I never really placed my value in what strangers thought of me. Water off the ducks back and all that. But the truth was, there's a certain threshold within all of us and mine had been met.

While my face wasn't in the cover image, none of my tattoos on display or any other super identifying features, the public weren't stupid. They put two and two together and the onslaught of trolling commenced. I was called a slut, an attention seeker, a whore, a slaggy bitch - every insult under the fucking sun. When I returned to London briefly, I was met with the odd paparazzi which was the first time that had ever happened when I was by myself and not with or nearby Alex. It was unnerving.

The day I landed in Los Angeles, I was met at LAX with a bunch of missed calls from Maggie.

"Is it bad?" I remember asking her in a panic. I'd literally just landed and already something had gone wrong.

"It's not great" she'd told me with a sigh before sending through a link.

It was a music video for the albums title track and lead single, 'The Muse'. A seven and a half minute 'short film', it followed the tale of three protagonists. One being Alex and the second a girl who looked eerily similar to me with long, wavy copper hair, dark red nails and a wardrobe consisting of dark colours and sharp tailoring. The third person in the 'triangle' that the video seemed to convey was a third guy. He had chestnut curls, a warm tan and dressed very similarly to a certain ex boyfriend of mine.

It was so obvious to me what this video was trying to convey. It painted me in an awful light as a cold, opportunistic heart-breaking, man-eating bitch even though it couldn't be further from the fucking truth.

Part of the reason I'd been so hesitant to get involved with Harry was because of that public interest. I didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea about me. I was so scared of people speculating my intentions, assuming I was leveraging Harry's status or connections for personal gain. I'd just started to get over that irrational fear and now those feelings were coming up all over again thanks to Alex's stupid fucking video. He managed to so easily put me back into a spiral.