Destiny ~ Dean Winchester (love story), part two

26

xDean POVx

That's all you're gonna say?

Sam couldn't comprehend why I had shown little to no reaction to his news.
Lucifer would be wearing Sam to the prom, how was I supposed to react to that?

My brother thought I wasn't panicking enough.
That I got "a little numb to earth shattering revelations" at this point. Yes, maybe that was it. And he might be right because if I had to pick an adjective to describe how I felt right now it would be that: numb.

Why couldn't I fall into a coma?
Not forever but just until all of this was over.
I was sick, so sick of feeling helpless and sick of feeling so damn anxious and so sick of feeling altogether.

So I sat in the living room, the familiar shape of a beer bottle in my hand. I weighted it out of habit-
Almost empty.
I'd have to get up and get a new one soon but right now I was so paralyzed, so absent that I couldn't even imagine moving a muscle.
It felt like I wasn't physically awake.

"Dean.", Angie said but it sounded strange, like it wasn't even addressed to me. Her eyes were pulled together, her forehead creased in concern. Somehow I didn't feel the impulse to respond. Maybe I just imagined her saying my name?

"Dean! Are you feeling alright?"
I blinked. I took a sudden, steadying breath.
"I'm fine.", I said, but for a second the words didn't sound right, like I got caught in an echo.

"I thought you stopped breathing."
I turned towards Angie's voice, but everything seemed to warp as I move, sounds bending in half.

"Dean, you're scaring me. Take a deep breath, okay?"
This time all the sounds sped up, fast-forwarding until they collide in real time. My ears started ringing. My teeth shaking. Chattering. I was fucking freezing.

I knew this was a panic attack but it didn't feel like it was happening to me. The symptoms were there but I was so deconnected from everything that I just let it all happen to me.

Just like we'd be forced to let the apocalypse happen. They will trick us.  I'll either be the destroyer of the world or the murderer of my own brother.
So what if I wasn't breathing?
Even if I died, Micheal would bring me back...

Angie's hands were suddenly in mine and she squeezed them, trying to make me look into her face.
"We'll be fine. We'll defeat Lucifer. Just breathe for now.", Angie reassured me and I slightly shook my head.
"What?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Dean, you're on the verge of a panic attack and you're telling me it doesn't matter?"
Her tone was sceptical, angry even but her fingers were so soft.
Without even realizing I had started to follow the shape of each finger and she just relaxed into the touch, just let me play with them.

I took a deep breath like Angie had told me to.
"Sam and I are the-
we're the- the fire and the oil of the Armageddon. On that basis alone we should just pick a hemisphere and stay away from each other."

"You don't think we can fight Lucifer?"

I laughed humorlessly.
"You might have a chance. But my brother and I can't fight together."

"Why would you think that?", she asked, genuinely confused. Could she really not see that I was a walking and talking thread?

Because everyone who meant something to me got hurt. Those were the rules.
Because even though I tried my best to make the world a better place, to fight the evil every day I kept messing up and in the end it was all worse. Didn't matter that I did everything for the right reasons.