Ephemeral - Alia Dixon

6

Whe I get back from the infirmary I step up onto one of the lookout points. My eyes widen as I see how many walkers there are. Rick steps up the ladder and looks at me.
"Are you okay?" he asks and I nod, not taking my eyes of the walkers. They could get inside. I wonder how Rick is going to solve that problem now.
"Yeah, I'm fine"
He sighs. "You shouldn't have gone out there. You could've gotten seriously hurt or worse, you could've died"
I scoff. "No, I know what I'm doing"
"Alia," he says and I turn my head to look at him. "There are a lot of people who know what they do and die anyways"
I shrug. "At least I would've died knowing that I did something and saved some lives" I say.
He takes a deep breath. "That someone shouldn't have to be you"
I chuckle. "I know that Rick. I'm a sixteen-year old girl. I shouldn't have to do this but that's how it is right now. That's how life is today. You think Judith's life will be any different? Judith got born into that, I just had to adapt. We all shouldn't have to be living like this but that's what it is. That's how it is and we can't change it"
He takes a deep breath as we both stare at the moaning, groaning walkers beneath us. "I'm proud of you"
I narrow my eyes. "You are?" I ask confusedly.
He nods. "You did well and as you said yourself, you saved lives. I'm proud of you"
A smile forms on my face at Rick's words. I excuse myself before climbing back down and walking towards our house. Inside, I immediately walk to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I'm not even shocked at the face, that's staring back at me in the mirror. My brown, long, curly hair is all over the place and my eyes have heavy bags underneath them that aren't as visible though because of the blood smeared all over me. The cut on my cheek had to be stitched by Rosita but it's all good now. I stare into my own forest green eyes, wondering when everything went south. Why did that stupid virus break out? Or maybe someone made it? I don't know. I wonder why though.
Slowly I start stripping off my clothes, that are covered and soaked in blood before stepping inside the shower. The water hits my skin soft and warm, making me feel at ease a bit. My shoulders loosen up a bit and so does my whole body. It hurts for my muscles to unclench themselves and let myself feel normal again. I let go of the fear for a moment and close my eyes, letting the water run over my face and wash the reminders of today away. Again, not really. The cut from today will for sure leave a scar and will remind me of that day everytime I take a look in the mirror. I'm still not entirely sure if I did the right thing. If I should've stayed inside with Carl and Judith and Allen. Something could've happened, though in a world like today everyday something can happen. No matter how nice I'm being and how good I behave.
I take my time, shampooing my hair and washing everything, before I step outside again. The girl in the mirror still looks tired but at least I don't look like a crazy maniac anymore. An actual human being. A really tired human being.
That night I fall asleep without even thinking twice, laying down and immediately drifting off. Though, the night hunts me with nightmares from what I've did. The guy I killed who was laying on top of me. It was reasonable to kill him but still, his dark brown eyes hunt me. His wicked smile and the ugly scar on his forhead.

When I wake up tomorrow, I notice that my dad's not back by now. I mean, he can't get inside anyway but he would've talked to us on the radio, right?
I sit down on the front porch, still in my pjs, thinking about my father. I know dad'll come back. I mean, he's my dad. He always finds a way out of everything and he's far too smart for someone to overpower him or anything. He has always come back. I always like to think of it as a Dixon thing. The coming back. Us Dixons we always come back. I'd like to think of it that way. It calms me down, makes me worry less, though, I'm well aware of how stupid it sounds.
My dad used to say that all the time even before the world ended. When we went hunting, when he left us in the car during shopping, he even had to when Allen and I first went to school. We were both so afraid of the other kids and what they would say about us. After all, we didn't have a mom. Not anymore. She didn't want anything to do with us. Neither her children nor the dad of her children. Dad met mom in a bar once, one drink led to another and soon enough Allen and I were on the way. My mother didn't want us, she even wanted to drink and do drugs during her pregnancy but her parents, my grandparents, told her not to do it. They were christians so abortion wasn't even an option. So, they put her in rehab for the time she was pregant and it seemed to go well. After Allen and I had turned a year old, she started drinking again though. It went so bad that she left her babies alone in her apartment, next to her drugs, while she went partying.
I take a look at the scars I have on my right hand. They aren't too big since I've grown out of them a bit. I sigh at the sight of them.
My mom soon then got a boyfriend who loved his cigaretts. He used to put them out on us, mostly me. My dad noticed when we went over to his place not soon after, since they were sharing custody. Not much later my dad took us in and I've never seen my mom since then. I once called her but she told me she didn't want us to call her, that we weren't her kids and that she didn't want anything to do with us. It stung but we had dad. Dad made sure we had anything. Uncle Merle was okay. Sometimes a bit frightening but he was alright. My dad taught me everything I know and made me into the person I am today.
I'm glad we had somebody like dad. He used to be a bit controversial but none the less he's the best dad ever.
That's why I know he's coming back. He won't leave us. Never.