When The Rain Washes You Clean. (You'll Know.)

Chapter Eight.

Leland's heart was beating hard in the back of his throat, to the point where it felt that he was physically hurting from it. He could feel the beads of sweat rolling down his face from the scorching sun above him, and it felt like his eyes were starting to dry up as well. He can't remember the last time he actually blinked since the incident unfolded in front of his eyes, and he can't remember the last time he swallowed either. He can feel how dry his throat is becoming, and he can also feel how disgusted his body is feeling as well.

There's this small simmering feeling festering inside of his stomach, that warns him that he might throw up soon if he focuses too much on it. He can't really describe the full reason why he's feeling this way, and it's not like how he felt when he mistook Johnny for kissing a man. Instead this sickness comes from something else deep inside, and Leland is too afraid to think about that right now. His mind itself is already running a thousand miles a second on him, and he can't wrap his head fully around what he just saw. A part of him wants to just wipe it away like he did with everything else, but the other part of him doesn't want to. He's unsure as to why that's even an option for him, and as he takes that final step outside of the barn - he feels the way his stomach flips once more.

He can't do this anymore - it's too much for him to handle; and he knows he made a silent promise to try and be better. But this was something else, this was something on a whole new wave length - and Leland doesn't know how to handle it properly. He doesn't know how to absorb all of this information, and he doesn't know how to not picture that inside of his mind. He's making his way back into the house with shaky legs, and when he pushes the front door open - he feels himself start to heave. It's no surprise that Leland is feeling this way, despite how much he has tried to be open to this lifestyle - he just can't deal with it properly. Catching Johnny in an act like this, was something he thought he would never see in this lifetime.

He's glad in a way that he made his escape from that barn, and he's even more thankful that Johnny didn't follow after him - because he's afraid if he did, then some nasty words would be spilling out of his mouth as well. It's too much for him, and he doesn't think he could yell at Johnny either for what he did - it's not like Leland has any ownership over what Johnny does - just why did it have to be.. This way? Why did Johnny have to be inclined in a way that makes Leland uncomfortable? And why did he have to have sex with that person?

There's another feeling that washes through his body as he makes his way up the stairs, and it's not a feeling that Leland is a stranger too. No, unfortunately it's a feeling he's all too familiar with - and it was jealousy. Beneath the simmering sickness he feels for the acts that Johnny participates in, there's a wave of jealousy that's wanting to burst itself free as well - and it's another reason that he feels his eye begin to twitch. He pushes his bedroom door open harder than he planned, as he frowns to himself shaking his head - doing the best he can to try and fight that feeling away. He doesn't even want to know why he feels this burst of jealousy, when he should be focusing on the fact that Johnny was gay.

He swallows hard at the realization of that, and he shuts his room door with a shaky hand as he tries to calm his breathing down.

Johnny was a homosexual, and it was the one thing that Leland can't find himself comfortable with. It's a lifestyle that didn't seem right to him, and even though Ana was trying to change her ways - and Leland was trying to do the same - he just fears that he can't anymore. If this is how his body is going to react every time he's now reminded of Johnny's sexuality - or if he even remembers what he just saw in the barn - he knows it's going to be enough to drive him up the wall. He doesn't like the way this is weighing in on him, and it's making it even more worse when he remembers that fucking thought he had before.