When The Rain Washes You Clean. (You'll Know.)

Leland's Letters.

1980, May,

Dear Johnny,

It's been almost six months since I was last on the farm, and the last time that I saw you. I moved out of the house I shared with Ana this month, and I've been feeling just a little bit lost. I don't think I would put it down to longing or distraught over leaving her behind, I fear it's due to something else... Something that was more along the lines of you.

Things started to cloud themselves around my mind, and darkness soon would overtake my every waking day. I didn't know how to get all of this out, because I was here... And you are miles away from my side.

So I thought that maybe I could write it all down, in the form of a letter that you may never even see. It might help me cope with the way my mind has been wandering, and all of the feelings that have been festering deep inside of me.

I went back home with the woman who I thought I loved with everything inside of me, but things weren't right, things didn't click and something was off. I tried my best to do the right thing, patch up all the broken promises that I left with her; but everything I did, seemed to be out of vain.

I didn't understand why I couldn't make myself love her anymore, why my mind would continue to wander about you, wanting to know if you thought about me too. And it was driving me up the wall with each fleeting thought that crowded my senses, I just didn't understand what it all fucking met.

I had a long talk with Ana, or well, maybe she had the long talk with me. I don't think I was as responsive as I should've been that day. But she called me out on things I didn't even realize I was doing, and she shut me down every time I tried to say that I was here for her and nothing else. It's like she could see something inside of me, that I was too blinded to see on my own. Something my selfish eyes didn't want to see

She screamed at me, told me that my heart didn't belong to her anymore and that it beat for another person. She made me go quiet, made me see some things that maybe I missed from before, and she saw right through my lies when I tried to tell her different.

Whatever spark that lingered between me and her, died completely on that day.

And I couldn't even be upset or mad about it at all, for some reason when it all came crashing to its end... I felt free in a way that I never thought to be possible.

So I moved out, and I now reside in just a small rundown motel room, but it's nice. I know you would make fun of me for being here, and that thought alone makes me smile.

I'm unsure of where I was going with this letter, or how I wanted it to flow properly for me; but I think I just have too many thoughts in my mind that I want to get out.

I don't know yet how I feel for you, or understand why my heart aches to be back on that farm. Why does my breath hitch in the back of my throat, whenever I see someone wearing a black tank top? I'm still new to all these feelings inside of me, and Ana gave me a lot to think about when she called me out on my shit.

One thing I know for sure though, is I definitely miss you.

I miss your smile.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your eyes.

And I miss the way you used to wrap me in your arms.

Life scares me in a way, how quickly things can change - and how my ship could rock so easily, when it caught a glimpse of a sailor stranded at sea.