"Kuya, dirty ice cream tayo?"
It's Friday today, the third Friday since the school year came back, and also the 6th week Cadikh is missing. Naririnig kong nasa university siya at sinubukan kong hagilapin nitong mga nakaraang Biyernes pero wala talaga. Hindi ko alam kung tinataguan ba niya ako o busy lang siyang tao.
Kapag napuno ako, talagang tatambayan ko ang faculty, makita lang siya.
But, why would I do that in the first place? Why did our situation flip that easily? Talang dati, siya ang naghahanap sa akin tapos ngayon ay ako na ang tinataguan niya. Anak nang... Naganti ba siya? Kasi kung oo, inis na inis na talaga ako.
"Sa labas ng mall, mayroon..." Sagot ko kay Wen na katabi ko sa front seat. Hindi namin kasama si Ino dahil hindi naman pwedeng lumabas regularly ang mga estudyante sa AU. Last week namin siya nakasama.
"Fishball na lang pala, kuya."
"Pwede namang ice cream at fishball, Wen."
"Fishball na lang po. Nagugutom ako, e."
"Ayaw mo ba ng heavy meal? We can look for a restaurant or fast food."
"Ayoko po," Iling niya kaya hindi na ako nagpilit at itinabi ang kotse sa una kong nakita na fishball stall.
We silently get off the car but excitedly choose for other foods at the stall. Kumuha ako ng kikiam, kwekwek, at fishball habang fishball lang kay Wen. I even told him to get barbecue and isaw pero mamaya na raw.
Nakaupo kami sa malapit na bench at kumakain na nakapanood sa mga taong dumadaan sa harapan namin. Some are group of friends, some are families, and some are in a relationship. Wala kaming nakitang mag-isa na naglalakad.
"Kuya..." Wen called out of the blue.
"Mm?" I answered, munching the last piece of kikiam I have.
"Magagalit ka po ba kung..."
I waited for Wen to continue his words but I did not hear anything. So, I glance at him and saw how depressing he look like right now. Parang nanlambot ako sa nakita at hinawakan ang braso niya para kuhanin ang atensyon niya.
"Wen? What happened? Tell me..." I urge him to talk; however, it seems like he couldn't find the right words to say. "Wen, tell me. Kuya mo ako..." And that made him look at me. "Come on. What is it?"
I need to look welcoming. Whatever Wen is going to say, I have to accept it. I have to because I'm his safe place.
"Magagalit ka po ba kung..."
"Kung...?"
Inalis niya ang tingin sa akin at tumingin sa ibaba, "...kung ibibigay sa amin ni tito 'yung dapat na...sa'yo?"
I paused. My hands that's gripping Wen's arms loosened and I stared at him intently. And when his eyes found mine again, I saw how his tears started forming and guilt started consuming him. Maybe because of how shock and speechless I am right now.
My diploma is my Plan B. I've said it so many times already and I don't even make efforts to graduate because papa instilled in my mind that whatever happens, everything he owns will be mine—that my future is already planned.
Magbi-business ako kapalit ng mana ko. That's why I am this carefree all along. He has my future, he has my hands tied together, he forced that thinking to me and I've already accepted my defeat—surrendering my dream to be a Ship Captain and follow the path he wants.
And hearing this from Wen, I just realized how fucked up my life is.
Nawalan ako ng interes sa buhay. Umaayon lang ako sa agos ng kapalaran dahil wala na namang saysay ang buhay ko; dahil kontrolado ako ni papa kahit na gaano pa ako kagago. I'm only breathing for mama. That's the sole reason...for now. And I badly want to find the another reason to live yet wala akong makita—walang dumarating.
