Few days have passed since that night, I've been trying to talk to Cadikh and apologize. However, when it's the time for me to do that, it's either he'll suddenly receive a call from someone or my shame is at it again. Kaya naman tumagal ng isang linggo na para lang kaming hangin na naglalabas-masok sa condo.
Nginingitian niya ako but that's it. And wehenever I'm about to open my mouth, I can't form any words to say. Nahihiya talaga ako. Damn it.
"Luch..."
And now, he's all dressed up tonight. Hindi man lang siya nagtagal. Parang hangin talaga na dumaan lang.
"Bakit, sir?" I answered, not looking at him. I'm busy doing another presentation. Mabuti na lang ay hindi nga ako nag-apply ng bagong trabaho. Natambakan na naman kasi ako.
"Sasaglit ako sa convenience store. May ipapabili ka?"
Oh? Hindi pala siya uuwi? Akala ko aalis na siya.
"Smirnoff."
"What?"
"Smirnoff," Ulit ko.
"...ilan?"
"Isa lang."
Pampagising lang. Ayoko ng kape. Nasosobrahan na ako. Baka atakihin na ako sa puso sa dami ng kapeng naiinom ko gabi-gabi.
"What about snacks?"
"Any junkfood will do."
"Alright. I'll be back in 20."
He left after that, leaving me stranded at the edge of my thought. Gusto kong tumalon pero natatakot ako na baka kapag tumalon ako, hindi na ako makaahon pa.
Lately, I've been thinking of something. Yes, I told myself to just...go with the flow. Pero iba na 'tong nararamdaman ko. Kakaiba talaga. Parang nakakalunod at hindi ako makahinga.
I've been infatuated to someone before, but that's it. I'm not into pursuing. Kapag ayaw sa akin, hindi ko na pinagtutuunan pa ng pansin o hinahabol pa. But this, what the hell is this? What the fuck is this feeling?
Bothered of that thought, I took my phone beside my laptop and called that only friend who can help me.
"Babyyy!" Salubong ni Yu nang sagutan niya ang tawag ko. "What's up? Break time ko sa work. You need anything?"
I sighed and rested my nape on the couch as I close my eyes. "I have a question."
"What? Hindi ka man lang mangangamusta? Talagang direct to the point kaagad?"
"I need answers, Yu."
"Ano ba kasi 'yon at parang hindi na makapaghintay?"
I bit my lip, hesistating to say what's been lingering in my mouth. But I got defeated and told it to Yu.
"I think I'm gay...?"
Long silence followed after that unsure confession. I'm still unsure of what this feeling is. Maybe, I just like Cadikh's presence since he really cared for me—understood me. But on the other hand, hindi ko naman ito nararamdaman kina Payton at Gab. Nakakakilabot isipin kung may gusto ako sa kanila. Suntukin ko pa sila. Pero kay Cadikh...hindi. Iba talaga.
"Wait, baby! Mags-sched ako ng flight, now na. Kailangan natin 'yang pag-usapan ng personal!"
Napabangon ako. "Wait, what?!"
"I'm serious! Because you? Gay?! Babe, I've been one since I can remember and never in my life na nasagap ng radar ko na baliko ka! Daig mo pa ang heavy weight champion kung makipagbugbugan sa mga estudyante and you even bully! Paano ka mababakla?!"
