After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Seven

I hadn't eaten anything today but that wasn't my plan. I don't eat as much nowadays, it's like the flavours don't have distinctions to me -- they're just chunks in my mouth. The sooner I swallow, the sooner I'm finished. If I had a choice, I'd probably not eat but my parents nag me until I do. To get them off my back I get it over with as soon as possible, like cleaning my dirty clothes. It's gotta be done whether I want it to or not. A chore.

There wasn't anything appetising for breakfast, toast... too plain. Eggs... too mushy. Biscuits... too sweet. Nothing we had grabbed my interest so like most days, I didn't have any breakfast and my parents don't fuss until later. Then we didn't have lunch because both of them were at work, they left sandwiches in the fridge but it felt too uncomfortable to put it in my mouth. I can't describe why but it all feels unappealing. Yes, my head started to ache but I felt queasy so eating wouldn't help that. It might but I don't want to eat. Then when mum got back (slightly before dad), she couldn't get off the couch and handed me some cash to buy a few groceries and any fast food for dinner.

My jacket had multiple rips along the sides because I couldn't care enough and eventually that brought it to fall apart. What's left of it covers me as I leave my house, shivering at the air being blown at me, when did it become so foreign? The street became a habitat for the local birds who took over where humans used to roam. Now we watch them. A pigeon squeaked at me before sloppily flapping its wings to fly away.

The trees along the way were all bare, leaves disintegrated, soil dry and thirsty.

Eventually I found a street of shops and one of them slapped a pizza symbol on top of a window which led me inside. The area to order left little room and eating there was totally out of the question. A man with the pizza uniform finished a call on his phone, turning towards me.

"Hey, what can I get you?"

"Uh," I pressed my hand on the menu and quickly read through to save the extra seconds of behaving awkwardly and I found a pizza with toppings that both my parents would enjoy. "Right. Can I just have one large spicy veggie?"

He tapped a few buttons, waving the scanner in front where I tapped my card to pay. Then I waited for it to be made and after ten minutes I was outside with a hot box.

As I reached my house, I went over the lie I was going to give to my mum. Not like it harmed her or anything, I just didn't want her forcing me to have something. Even worse, believing there was anything wrong. Nothing was serious, I just didn't feel hungry, it happens.

I entered and placed the box on the table, my mother immediately standing at my side. "Where's yours?"

"I had it on the way back."

She seemed skeptical but didn't mention it so I went to my room before she changed her mind. That's how I got away with it... well, the lie. I didn't feel a headache right now, must have left so that's something. So I'm fine without eating after all, good to know. I circled around my room with the urge to check my phone preying on me. I was trying to run from it, distract myself, and bide my time. But it cornered me, digging fangs into my flesh as I took my phone into my hands.

Here we go again.

It reminded me of a drug, all the withdrawal effects dissipating as the screen loaded. I engaged in the drug, social media. Just as it would be, friends of mine were online with new statuses that I wouldn't have a clue on understanding and being in the same group chat.

But the icon wasn't there? Or the group itself...?

Where was it?

I scrolled up, down, up and down but I couldn't see anything until I realised the harsh truth. Pathetically, shakes of air left me as I gripped my fingers around my knees. The group...

I physically shook my head -- answering my inner anxieties -- as I went to message one of the people in the group privately. There'd be another reason for this. I'll ask the one I feel safest with, Pinky. She promised me she would be there regardless and always treated me well so there's no doubt that she would update me on if the group chat has been remade.

Though I struggled to understand why my message turned red whenever I pressed send. Never before have I witnessed it and my first thoughts were that the app was having a crash. That's right! It was the app's fault, no way would they have deleted the group chat without telling me first. Even if we talked less, they still viewed me as their friend... like it was before. Where I would yell at their cheesy friend names and they'd laugh at my antics.

No, I had to face the truth.

It took me googling the meaning of a red message to realise that she had blocked me, without any chance of contacting her unless we returned to school.

I couldn't talk to her.

What?

That moment left a cut that tore the rest of my crumbled skin away. I can't tell if it was this or everything that led up to it which killed me.

I was dead and could never return to a sensation of living.

Her words lost their weights as well as the solidified memories made. A dreaded sense that I was now alone made home in my soul. It's likely the others in the group followed her so I didn't put myself through the pain of seeing for sure, it was already definite in my head. With the walls around me whirling like a computer's loading screen, I gripped the porcelain that was my sink as I heaved. A thick, oozing coat of nausea passed through but I couldn't throw anything up, there was nothing to reject, apart from being rejected from my... friends.

We were so close before it happened; before this happened. We could salvage this, surely? If I went on my knees and begged for forgiveness for whatever I had done, they would hear me, please?

Something has to give, or there'll be nothing of me. Nothing is coming out onto the sink, no matter how hard I grip. Things were fine, nothing happened for this to come out of it! After being brought into such a state, exhaustion ran through me whilst I slumped against the cold wall until I hit the floor. I grabbed my knees and shivered. I didn't feel cold.

Would the others talk to me, would Kiri...? I cried so hard I couldn't see, jaw wide opened while a flood left my eyes. It was all leaving me, after days of waiting here was the storm. It hurt. It really hurt. I couldn't put it into words how much they meant to me nor could I put it into words how distraught I felt. Why?

Eventually I did throw up, somehow. I was dizzy from it all and passed out on my bed to end the dreadful day, known to be officially alone.