After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Sixteen

Lunch time. I'm currently sitting with Denki on my left, Kirishima to my right and Sero and Mina opposite us. We've begun the old routine since we had that discussion last week where they begged me to hang out with them again. It's strange, despite actually sitting with them this time, it feels the same like it was a month ago like I'm spectating and eavesdropping, as if I'm not actually sitting with them.

I guess they picked up on it and put more effort in trying to get me to engage in their conversations every so often but it wasn't interesting to me, the same meaningless topics. Denki accidently tripped on Shinso again or Kirishima dropped his phone in the toilet. I didn't find myself laughing or moving my face even if I really wanted to. In the past I'd be the loudest one of the group, yelling and teasing them but out of care... that was until I realised how much of a monster I had become and how they didn't want me anymore. So I grew used to it and suddenly they expected me to forget it and not see myself as a monster anymore? Not happening. I felt as if I was inside one of those hourglass things, and as much as I desperately bashed and kicked to break free, I couldn't. I only saw the outside world. I became trapped in this shell that haunted me and my screams wouldn't reach anyone, hollow and alone. My body lost feeling and vitality.

Only a spectator.

Watching.

I didn't bring lunch trays because that's basically wasting money. You and me both know I won't eat it. My appetite hasn't changed. But my friends pushed me to buy one today and I caved in, because the concern in their faces made me very uncomfortable and I don't want them getting the wrong idea like my damn mum did. I poked the mash around like it was a toy with my fork when one of them got my attention, I don't remember who it was.

"Do you have any plans for after school?"

I lifted my head and turned to try and figure out which one of them asked so I could reply to them but they all stared at me which didn't help. I stared off into the distance as I replied, "not really."

"How about the weekends? Anything fun you've been up to?" Kirishima asked.

"Uh, no."

"Fridays?"

"Nothing."

"Damn," then it grew pretty awkward. Until that bastard had the nerve to probe me even more. "Dude, you're not eating. Is something bothering you?"

"I'm not hungry," I replied.

Mina eventually made the table slam with her arms as she hid her face within them. The whole canteen heard and paused for a second, making sure no one was hurt before they began chatting again. I didn't expect her to do that so I watched to see if I could find a reason behind the sudden action. Eventually, she spoke even if it was slightly muffled because of her arms. "What's happening? This isn't like you, it's not the Blastly we used to know... you're barely even here right now."

She began to sob. Great that's the second female I made cry. I'm really charming. I don't get it, why do I make them cry? I haven't insulted them I'm just existing? It's beginning to really freak me out. But I didn't speak, I didn't know what to do because it seemed to be about me. I just averted my eyes and let the group handle it as they ran to console her. She pushed them away, staring at me with drenched eyes. "Please, I know you're in there. We miss you." She sobbed.

I didn't understand the phrase or what she meant. Not even hours later when I'm laying in my room. Since the event from earlier happened at the end of lunch, we went straight to lessons and then the day ended so we didn't physically see each other but I did get some texts. Kirishima told me I shouldn't worry and it wasn't my fault. I didn't really consider it to be but oh well. Then Sero asked me for the maths homework, typical.

With my parents it's been even more awkward, we've been talking only went necessary. They'll cook my meals and wash my clothes which I appreciate because everything is tiring me nowadays. But my mum just sits at the television but it's different, she has this look which she didn't have before. It's like she's lost, gazing at the large electronic screen as if it'll fix her. She seemed broken and she tried to hide it but her occasional cries echoed through the house. My dad tried to act normal but his smile looked as forced as ever, as if he was one step away from breaking apart himself. I didn't like it at all so I avoided them at all costs since it seemed like they always were in this mood.

I also found recently that my sleep had changed too. For my whole life I had a rigid sleep schedule, going to bed very early and waking up around 6am. No matter how much I wished I could sleep in on weekends it never worked as if my body has a set alarm. But recently I've managed to lay awake until 2am before going to sleep and therefore I've been having less sleep on school days. If I'm honest, I'd have to blame Tiktok for keeping me awake as I scroll endlessly down for hours instead of sleeping. It's addicting to see the clips from dogs rolling in circles to a man reacting to cringe videos.

It's all fun but it's still the Internet. There'll be things you don't like seeing, like mental health posts, particularly when they expose you. Usually it made me feel uncomfortable and I'd just scroll until I forgot about it but today was the worst of any of those posts; too, too personal.

Around one in the morning I scrolled onto a post which had a nature background but what grabbed my attention was the text. I read down and it was too late, the pain hit me.

"POV: you've suffered so much you just don't feel anymore so now nothing matters, not even when you should be happy"

Something about the words brought me into despair and I felt my eyes swell. I didn't register how things were or why I was numb to most things, I just accepted it. The post brought something different out of me, it forced me to stare at what I had become. The pain I did go through and how I'm now empty. I felt awfully wrong because it was true, I should be happy. I kept repeating to myself that I should be happy with my friends back but each time I did a tear fell onto my chest. I tried to wipe them away but it didn't work. Is it over... am I stuck like this?

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