After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Fourteen

I don't want to wake up anymore. I've really lost a purpose or will to live, everything is the same. I'm just suffering for nothing. I've started to consider that it's all a joke, some torment being played against me so someone could laugh at me. It's the only thing that could make sense. Why else? Constant suffering and misery for no reason other than that. A big joke. Hahaha, is anyone laughing? Is it funny, am I fucking funny?

"Katsuki, get down here!" My mother yelled, for the fifth time as I just kept zoning out and forgetting her request. I stomped down and saw her furrowed eyebrows as she pointed at breakfast. I expected her to sit back at the news because that's all she cares about anymore. To my surprise, when I sit down to eat she sits opposite me. My jaw drops partially.

"Go on, eat."

This felt uneasy, instant questions flooded my brain on if she had seen me throwing my food away. Surely not, I made sure she never looked so why is she acting odd. I thought I gave off the appearance that I was fine. Oh well, I better start eating the portion I usually have and maybe then she will have a reason to leave and I can throw the rest away. Everything has become so tiring, I just want to be eaten up and not be here anymore. I feel utterly useless.

I bring some eggs to my mouth and take my time chewing them. I've eaten more than I have in a while with half a plate cleared so far which was very generous, not like I'm worthy of food. I should work for it.

My mum stands up and I nearly smile. Really? How stupid am I? I bite my lip and look down at my food, pretending to be unfazed so she doesn't pick up on it. The last egg looked gross, oily and cold. I really don't want to eat it. All the food makes me sick.

"I'm going to the bathroom," she muttered as she left me.

I didn't need to wait and waste this opportunity. As quickly as I can without making any noise, I get up with the plate and scrape it into the bin. I flick the stuck yolk off and lean back in relief.

"What are you doing?"

Oh fuck. I freeze and don't bother turning behind to look at her, the gaze she's sending will break me apart even more. What can I say? There's nothing that can excuse my behaviour. But I try to lie regardless.

"I'm feeling ill this morning so--."

"Cut the bullshit, do you think I'm stupid?"

"What?" My voice croaks, as I begin to tremble from the bin.

"I've noticed the food in the bin, do you think we don't check it? I have shit I need to throw away and I've caught on. Me and your dad. What the hell is going on? Do you have an eating disorder?"

"What?! Of course not."

"Then why the hell aren't you eating? I'm worried sick about you Katsuki, just tell me what's wrong. Something has to be wrong, you're so different."

Different, in what way? This would would always happen, mum. I walked this path from a long time ago, maybe only now you began to see it. I didn't change significantly, losing my friends couldn't be so detrimental... could it? No, I haven't changed.

I was terrified to hear the answer but I still asked with a trembling voice, "how... how am I different?"

She covered her face as she sat back down, making me wait in fear. I considered it as some form of punishment but she eventually spoke. "You don't even look alive anymore. You're not the Katsuki I know, something's happened. Please tell me, I'm scared."

Never had she been so vulnerable or cared as much as she did in that moment. I didn't know what to do instead of stand dumbfounded. The Katsuki she knew... a part of me subconsciously reached out to tell her I was dead, well whatever I used to be was dead. Now I'm a living shell. And then with being alive, that's another topic I can't even think about right now. The answer to that will be nothing positive.

"God damn it!" She slammed her fists against the table which made me flinch. "Say something! Katsuki! Just-- I know you're better than this." She covered her face and I tilted my head to get a glance of how she was feeling, the only thing I noticed was the drops that escaped her palms and hit the table. Shit, she was crying. Now I felt really uncomfortable and like a dick for making my own mum cry. At the same time I also felt mad that she somehow made this about her. What a load of shit, I had to get better at hiding things so no one else got concerned. Already my teachers picked up on it and the worst will be if my rivals Deku or fuckin' Icyhot notices, they'll use this with the biggest grins. I just know it. That makes me feel sick to even imagine it.

Things got even worse when my dad came in to see the scene, meaning both my parents now knew I was fucked up. He immediately rushed over from the front door and asked me with worry, "what's wrong son? Is everything okay?"

I wanted to punch him for the pity shit he gave me, obviously I wouldn't but it was irritating me. The fact he didn't even yell at me or tell me off because surely it looks like I did something wrong to my mum. Unless she fucking-- she told him, didn't she. They both knew.

"You both knew, didn't you?" I bluntly asked.

He looked at me sheepishly but at least he nodded and didn't deny it.

"We want to help, we love--."

"Cut the shit, I'm fine. Both of you leave me alone its starting to annoy me, I don't want this weak stuff. I'm meant to be a damn hero, if I can't help myself then how the hell with I help others?"

In all honesty I didn't really believe in what my future would be anymore. When each day drained me, how could I even consider what I'd do after that? I just focused on getting through each day. Did I believe in being a hero? I used to but now I don't, I can't see myself as a human to begin with. I just don't really see myself as anything at all. Maybe a corpse, I guess I am not alive after all.

"It's okay to ask for help, even the top heroes do. Look, we don't want to overwhelm you but please come to us, we love you no matter what and want to help. Okay?" He smiled.

"Alright," I replied to get them off my backs. I'm grateful he let me go off to school without any more chats or I would be late for school and that's my worst nightmare, I prefer to sit in my seat and settle before they do. I took the bus and then saw that it was being slow so I had to run the rest of the journey there to ensure I was first. Out of breath, I slammed myself onto the desk and dropped the bag next to me. Jesus, when did I get so lazy? I used to be able to run so much more and now I feel almost dizzy. That's not right and I can't find myself figuring out why.

The rest of the class enters but something is incredibly wrong today. It's not right, no it isn't. My chest is moving? I know it's meant to but not like this. I feel sick in nerves as it tangles in my throat. They're all staring, I can feel it. Pinky, Kiri, Deku... they all must be staring me down. I know you are, fuck off! Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

I turned my head around frantically to know if its true, but it seemed so slow like I wasn't really there. The surroundings swirled with laboured breaths. When I could actually see shit clearly I saw Kirishima staring at me, neither of us moved. His eyes weren't heavy this time, or filled with hate. He just stared as if he didn't know me? I couldn't do it, I couldn't take this. I was going to throw up, or worse. Something is about to happen, something bad. I have to get out. I have to. I pushed off the chair, making the loudest shriek but I didn't care, it was all so blurred as I stumbled towards the door. I heard some muffles behind me but I don't know who it was, most likely sensei. I got out and moved quickly to the bathrooms and locked the door but I didn't trust it so I used my foot to keep it closed in case.

I wheezed and inhaled, squeezing my own hands as I tried to calm the hell down. I don't know what was even happening but my worst fear was that I was dying and when the moment of it hits, I regret everything and I feel the urge to live. A natural drive or petrified of being truly dead. I forced myself to keep breathing even when my ears began to rang. I kept doing it over and over, focusing on my shoelaces. And slowly, but surely, I could breathe more and the ringing stopped. I wasn't dead. I was okay.

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