After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Five

I miss my youth, ignorance when I followed a boy with green hair around our park. He would giggle as I tackled him onto the grass and we rolled around under the taunting sun.

Those days will never come back.

He seems happy nowadays, though. With his friends and finding himself through the late given quirk. We don't talk anymore, especially nowadays.

My mum doesn't really tell me about when I was younger, she says I was about the same just now I'm an overgrown gremlin. But everyone's youth is different to them, they lack experience.

Damn, they lack all this shit. Was I happier back then? Did I have dreams? Was I happy? I'm happy right now. Bullshit.

There's so many days this week that really grounds in the memories I've been through, how it's made me different to the younger boy I was. Is the process normal? To want the ignorance back, to see life as rainbows and only the worst when I couldn't buy the latest Lego set.

So what made it stop? Or when in particular?

I feel so fucking lonely, this sheer coat of isolation. God, it hits me like a brick and what am I left to do with this sickening realisation? There won't be anything to fix this. I still have people and if I can't recognise that then will I ever be contempt? I'm like a broken record replaying the same shit continously. Recover, move, realise, fall. Over and over.

I wonder why I bother to recover or recollect? It's pointless when I'll fall again, I'm just keeping myself here, surviving but at what cost if its just a constant wave. Constantly drowning and having to swim back to the top, when will I just be at the surface?

Come on Katsuki, you lost track of what we were at. Reminiscing innocence and when it was gone. That's right. The distinctions between thoughts, as fluid as the vacuum of space.

Did I get more alone over the years or was I always that way? Being younger and ignorant. I couldn't have known...

It wasn't as if I never talked to anything. When I was a kid, I had lots of family and recognition. For parties: aunts, uncles and cousins from anywhere would arrive to our house for the day. They always praised my efforts, how much I'd grow and that I fitted right into the family. As I got older that group thinned, until only a grandma and a couple of uncles would visit. It started off with family issues, fighting over deepened tensions and when you sprinkle inheritance into the concoction; the last string of a connection rips apart and you refuse to communicate. I haven't seen any of them since, they are mentioned by my parents but only in spite or as fuel to an argument.

As a child I never was a loner or anything close to it, moths of students following me from the class to the playground when break time came along. They'd watch my quirk in awe, eyes attached to the sparks that dissipated in the air.

"Woah, Katsuki what a quirk!"
"You're going to be the top hero!"
"Bakugo, that's freakin' amazing!"

Before that, myself and Midoriya. We met at a nursery and clicked since then, regular playdates at each other's house and then they turned into sleepovers. When the moths came along, the flapping messed with my head and I did some shit I regretted to the only true friend I had as a child, becoming trash. Filth as I bullied him for not having a quirk.

When I hit high school, it dawned upon me on what it meant to have friends. The importance of it, with maturity. Childhood seemed so artifical to me at that point, all those moths didn't know my favourite fruits or chocolates. They only knew my explosive hands and they wanted me to keep burning.

No, I never really had friends. Midoriya... Deku, we barely talk because of reasons.

That left me with the new group I was brought into in UA, the ones I have now. The same people who don't text me anymore and seem to move on with themselves. It makes my stomach gurgle to think that I have no one. When did I actually acknowledge this crippling loneliness?

...

All these thoughts lead to an image in my mind, always. As it's about my younger self, I visualise him right in front of me, only a metre away. He stands tall with a smudged out face, all that's detailed is the spotlight that hung above him. He was a trophy, that's all he ever would be.

The weights of existing, adulthood hasn't even approached but I'm barely getting through. If this regression in progress continues, will I have no one when I'm that age? I don't want to live to know if that'll be the case. It's hell to feel the people around me decrease but for that number to hit zero, that's torture! If I'm spending the days with tears and heavy breaths, I can't imagine how I will be in the future. I used to crave the future before I got lonely. I used to be excited.

I used to have and be many things. If the people stayed, would I still contain these qualities? Would I still slide down the stairs, or would I roll down the grassy hill near my house? What about baking those gingerbread cookies?

Stop this, it's not-- this won't. Agh. I'm starting to feel that lockdown isn't to solely blame. A part of me won't admit that it's easier to blame a global phenomenon than my individual lifespan in playing a part with my separation from this world.

I refuse to accept it, even if it is real. Lockdown has taken away the last people I had so it is everything wrong with my current life. Lockdown, locked down. It locked me from my actual friends and now I have null, zero.

To wake up where I was three and didn't know anything... if only I could instead of these thoughts.