After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Seventeen

In the mirror stood a person I didn't recognise. No life or identity, a body in all. When I raised my arm, the body followed. When I poked my cheek, the body poked its pale cheek too. When I stared at the body's eyes I saw the eyebags and the looser shirt. I felt like asking who it was? That couldn't be me, even if it was my reflection.

I realise I haven't felt any emotions for a long time. Not properly, at least. I haven't felt happy, I haven't felt sad since that one moment a week ago where I cried myself to sleep. I haven't felt any anger either. One constant emotion has drowned out all the rest.

I wish I could be grateful for my friends, enjoy the memories we once had by making more but it's stuck in the past. I can't contribute or add anything so why do they want me there? They were fine without me and I'm starting to think everyone eould be fine without me, without this. I'm no longer of use. I prefer to be angry, at least I provided some use if I was a punching bag for people, now I'm nothing. I lived because I had to, not because I wanted to, just like eating or anything else. I didn't really study anymore I just took my notes and never spared a second glance. My grades were still passing but dropped significantly from where I used to be. The teachers tried to talk to me more but I'd either walk away or push them aside, since I'm technically passing they couldn't really stop me. I'm just above the line of struggling I'm not suffering or unwell like other people may be so they shouldn't waste their time on me. I'm still managing somehow so it was fine. Just fine.

One question stuck in my mind: when would this end? I thought it was temporary, this numbness and that my emotions would return but my fear grows as each week passes. I even googled if there was a way to fix it and therapy was not something I'm interested in because I'm not mentally ill, I just can't feel emotions.  Different things. I tried doing things that make me happy like watching All Might compilations or listen to music I like but that's done nothing, it doesn't make me happy anymore.

My mum ended up forcing me to stay at Deku's after school for who knows how long, I just think she wanted more time away from me and couldn't put up with my shit. Fair enough. I felt too tired to even complain or get annoyed that it was Deku, he didn't anger me anymore. Somehow I found my peace in this weird way. Without the rage I used to have, there's no reason to be mad at him. Deku was polite as always as he led me to his room and let me sit in his office chair.

"What would you like to do Kacchan?" He asked.

"Anything, I don't mind."

"How about we play Mario kart on my Nintendo switch? That's always fun."

"Alright." I used to like the game a lot but when he gave me the control I stared at the screen without feeling the emotions I used to as my Bowser drove down the track. I won but I didn't feel the competition, the thrill or joy. It just didn't matter.

"Woo! You still are good at this." Deku cheered.

We played a few more times and I won all those. Then we sat and it grew quiet as he saw me staring at the ground.

"Kacchan you seem more quieter, nowadays," he pointed out.

I knew he was observant and that used to scare me because the last thing I wanted was him to pick up on flaws. I used to. Now I don't care anymore. I don't know what I care about nowadays, everything feels meaningless.

He kneeled next to me and I raised an eyebrow as he dropped an All Might plush on my lap before retreating to his bed. I looked at the plush and pinched it's giant head, watching as it fluffed back up.

"I know you don't like talking about it so we don't have to."

I looked up at the person I used to bully and saw his softened eyes and gentle position he sat in. He never left me, even if I was the absolute worst and made his life beyond hell. He had so much more reason to leave than my friends did but he didn't. He always wanted me to be a part of his life. I'll never ever understand his mind, after years of trying I came to that conclusion. The time now was right for me to clear my conscience. Nothing mattered anymore so what was holding me back. Especially if I'm not planning to be a hero anymore, no competition, no pressure.

"I'm sorry, for things." I whispered but he still heard.

"Kacchan, you don't--."

I didn't let him finish that sentence. "You will be an amazing hero, Deku. I wish I told you that from earlier, I'm glad you never gave up."

His eyes began to widen in confusion as he leant forward. "I'm confused, Kacchan. What brings this up?"

"Nothing at all. No, literally nothing. I don't have anything to hold me back anymore. Maybe a lack of care or I don't know. For so long I felt things but now I don't anymore."

He seemed to nod with a smile, maybe he understood. I'll never know.

"I'm glad you apologised though, I know it always makes us feel better to fix our wrongs. It's okay, Kacchan. You were young, I was young. But life always changes."

Life changes? Maybe that means there's a chance. Some chance I'll feel again. It's all I want right now to be alive again.

"It does?" I muttered, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Well, yeah! Who knew I was going to get a quirk?"

The doorbell rung through the whole house and we turned to face each other. "Probably my mum. I'll see you around, Deku."

I stood up and paused when my eye caught a speck of green. Before I could see it, Deku ran into me for a hug and we stood for a few seconds before he sheepishly stood away. I nodded and walked down to my mother and waved Inko goodbye. As I got in the car I looked and saw the smeared mascara on my mum's face. Great.

"Why are you sad?" I asked, with some anger coming out without meaning to.

"How can I not be sad?! My son's depressed and nothing makes him happy anymore." She cried out while reversing the car.

"Depressed?! I'm not depressed, the fuck?"

She turned into the driveway and speed up down the road. "You don't know what I go through, I'm a mother. When you have a child of your own you will understand."

I gazed past the window, seeing the flashing trees go past. We were moving quite fast, what was the speed limit here?

"What's the speed limit?"

"I know how to fucking drive," she wiped her nose. At the sudden amber traffic light she slammed the breaks which made us hurl forward against the seat belts.

"Jesus. Can you calm down?"

"How can I calm down?! You tell me?"

The windows were wide open and I could have sworn I saw a kid stare at us because of my mum's roaring voice. I was more perplexed than embarrassed.

Once the lights turned green she hit the accelerator and drove. The arguing between us only continued.

"Oh, God. We need to get you therapy!"

I facepalmed. "I'm not going to a therapist!"

"You don't have a choice, you're making everyone worry and it's unfair so you're seeing someone!"

"For what? So I can tell them how bad of a mother you are?" I quickly retorted, not realising what I said.

"Bad mother?! Bad mother?! You'll see what a bad mother is!" She leaned towards me and I moved back so I was against the door but the car began to swerve left and right. For once, I felt horrified and alive as a car drove towards us. It seemed so slow as the car hit against us, sending waves of bangs across our ears and windshields as it smashed to pieces.

Sirens, sirens! It could be heard faintly but I stayed unconscious.

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