After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Eleven

We're a week into school and things have remained consistent, same covid regulations and the swarms of masks the pass me each lesson. The same silence from my friends, if it was the correct term for them. Acquaintances? Peers? Classmates? Ew, I just can't part with referring them as my friends yet, even if isn't beneficial for my mood. It's all for the last hope I have, that they'll come and say it was a mistake that they didn't block me... just something else happened. Maybe. If I hold on to that hope as tightly as possible, it might help. When in reality, they've walked past me as if I had changed schools, no insults or glares, no compliments or smiles. The rush of sickening silence never took it easy on me.

It did lead to one noteworthy moment. After a few days of returning to school, the other extras took notice of the obvious changes but most of them had the brains to keep that shit to themselves but one person could never not be nosy. We were in the corridors last Wednesday, I was waiting for the hallways to completely clear for break time so I pretended to be organising my empty locker. Then I felt the tap on my shoulder and I suddenly spun as if Kiri was waiting there with his sunshine smile and open arms for me. Instead I saw green hair and a frustrating look of concern from his wide eyes.

"What Deku?" I had asked first but my voice was weak from the spur of the moment and the damning realisation that my friends weren't here.

He did the same stupid gesture where he leaned back and forth on his toes before he replied. "Hey did something like happen?"

I raised an eyebrow and prepared to ask him what he meant until it clicked that he must have been referring to the changes happening between me and my friends. My eyes were prepared to beg or cry but I couldn't. I couldn't stop myself from continuing the mistakes that made me alienated from everyone else, my aggressions. Yelling, I told him to fuck off and that he didn't need to bother talking to me as I purposely wanted to focus on my hero abilities.

A big lie.

Why didn't I just say the truth? Why couldn't I tell him that they chose to leave me? Instead my words acted against me and pushed me further away. I stormed off before he could stop me and then he didn't ask any more questions, he did the usual by giving me space up until now.

Space was the definition of the week and things weren't close to changing today. I guess this was what the year would be now, really crappy and uncomfortable. I hated lunch times, I wish I could have lessons instead.

Nevermind, after what happened this last hour of the school day I take back everything I said. Lessons could be as terrible. I'll set the scene as to why:
I walked into physics and we were assigned random pairs and as I walked in, the teacher set me to work with Pinky.

It was a conflict of emotions because she would have to acknowledge me now and speak. I looked over at her as she returned the gaze and her face was hard to read, she didn't give any difference in her reaction. That was enough to set me off and I couldn't stop the anxiety of talking to her, the only thing I did was turn and quickly walk out of the lesson without any objects. I felt I had to go now without any time to grab anything, just the phone that was in my pocket. I had the confidence the school would keep my things for tomorrow anyways. The stuff in there didn't really matter to me right now so I didn't spend a second thought regretting my decisions.

I went down all the rows of stairs and passed the glassy doors. The gates were locked as it was still school hours so I had to improvise and it wasn't the most discreet thing with me setting off explosions from my palms. I used my quirk to give me height and then I could climb over the fence, job done. Then I set down the pavement, walking off on the direction to my house. It would take an hour but I have no choice, I left my bus card in my bag. It is what it is.

The town centre wasn't far from U.A so I walked along there and it was during school hours so it wasn't as lively, which I prefer. Only basic civilians walked around in small numbers as they did their shops. I turned past the coffee shop to begin down the pathway to the more rural area outside the town. The grassy hill tired my legs but I proceeded, taking each step with a sigh. One and long twos, breathing in and outwards.

My thoughts were quieter as I looked ahead and continued to walk. Trees were at a distance, an open field between. Cars swerved nearby but at a comfortable space.

I guess walking was a good way of de-stressing, my mind was clear and more easy.

I watched the sky as a I walked, admiring how clear and pure it seemed, no pollution or anything, thanks to covid. My phone began to buzz in my pocket which caught my attention back down, or I would have probably tripped over something. I stumbled to check my phone with my greatest worry being my mother about to lose it at me. The school could have told her about my absence. But the contact calling wasn't her, it was instead Kiri.

KIRISAURUS IS CALLING...

Without much reason to hesitate, I brought the phone to my ear.

"Yo, bro. What's going on?" His voice called through.

I replied, "nothing. I'm alright, just needed some space."

"Seriously dude, what happened?"

"I was paired with... Mina, okay?!" I retorted.

"So?!"

That made me angry, "what do you mean 'so'? You know what's being going on, none of you have been talking to me."

"Don't bring me into your issues. You left Mina all alone and that's not cool."

I felt my eyes begin to sting from rage or pain. Each word he said made me respect him less, why couldn't he understand my position? Am I always the one in the wrong? I still have feelings...

I tried to defend myself, "why is that bothering you? You did nothing when I was alone for days. Not even a hello or how are you? Only now you do when it's about her!"

"It's different, I'm not getting involved with the drama. You should have put your differences aside instead of running off like you did."

It was like a brick wall, none of my words or feelings could break through to him. Maybe he was past caring. I think my eyes began to tear up but I refused to let my voice give it away. "What she and the group did, really hurt, Kiri. I thought you would realise that," I spoke in a softer tone.

"Mina is not that bad, she's prioritising her own mental health and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't force her to hang out with you."

I had enough of this. "Why are you acting like I'm bad for people? I know I have issues, but I fucking try, okay? I know your too stupid to realise but I cared about you and the group, I'm a human being too. Am I such a monster in your eyes?"

I then hung up, not wanting to hear his response because I had heard enough. I opened his contact and blocked him: at least now I was able to block someone instead of being the one who was blocked. I guess I really am alone now. Why can't I be good enough? Was it how I was born? How the hell am I meant to be a hero if my friends don't even like me anymore? I deserve to be a villain.

I'm not a human being, I'm a monster, worthless, a parasite. I know they're happier without me, even Kiri admitted it. I was affecting their mental health, like a villain would. They clearly don't need me, who does? I should just end it, make the world a better place, right?

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