After pain // Bakugou Katsuki

Week Eight

Random note before this chapter begins... here is my collection of Bakugo figurines

Spiky hedgehog... now, onto the chapter!

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Do you wake up and feel that before you have awareness, there's an enduring sense of tranquility. It's like a calm beach, littered with shells. You, laying on the sand, under the sunrise with a day that's ready to begin. Then you open your eyes. No. You literally open your eyes and notice a suffocatingly high tide that's about to thrash against your body without a particle left in your lungs.

That's when I remembered the events of yesterday. A dull ache that continued onwards and I didn't feel like even leaving my bed, there was no point.

I ended up confiding in Kiri about it and he said, "these things tend to happen, groups never last. Like we don't really talk either, you meet others and life goes on."

He tried to piece himself in the same position as me, justifying the pain in my chest but it was far from real. So much felt devasting. Whether it was meant to be or not, it still burns my chest. I never was able to tell Raccoon eyes or anyone how much they meant to me or how I felt right now, I had to keep the full intensity inside my ribcage. But it started to chip away at the bone. How long before it reached my organs?

I don't think it was the thing itself which hurt-- well, it was but not the worst part. The worst sensation was the loneliness, the realisation dawning upon me that I was now on my own, to fend for myself. I've been wrenched away from orbit and now I'm floating for the rest of eternity with no one nearby. Listening to my inner critic hurt me enough, but to now be stuck with it fully... death.

Then there's the part of me who feel betrayed but I could come to terms with that, it's part of life, my life. I've been betrayed by my parents, teachers, mostly myself so this wasn't new but I wasn't used to being so alone. Day by day, the dosage of isolation increases. Who knows when I'll overdose on it? Unless my body becomes resistant, then I'll feel nothing at all. I can't decide which would be better.

I didn't go to the online lessons for the past few days, since it happened. I know they wouldn't ask, how could they? It's like they wanted me gone, if I deserved it. I'm not the nicest person, never will be. I can't go around and cheer people up like Deku or help people like Iida, I can't do anything. But I hoped to try and be a decent friend, ironic I know. It wasn't enough sadly, it's never enough. I give and give and give for my hands to come empty and then I'm punished for having nothing.

As much as I wanted to not show it, I fucking missed them. So much. As if we were on opposite sides of the world, my body ached for us to reunite. Pinky. Sparky. Shitty hair. Soy sauce... I want to be with you guys once more, if you ever could hear me.

What would I actually say was my biggest question when I cried again on my bedroom floor. I'm surprised the carpet isn't a lake at this point. Whilst I thought on what I would tell them face to face, my crying worsened but I didn't care, I imagined what it would be like if we talked.

I'd be standing somewhere flat, where they would see me. We'd stand opposite each other and I'd reach ahead, begging, "please. Tell me why."

They would turn away, refusing to cure my insufferable mental anguish.

"Please... why?"

I guess I wanted a reason, an explanation for what was sudden to me. Maybe if it was possible, I'd then change the part of me they rejected and we could be friends once more. Instead, I ended up blaming my whole self. Originally, we were forced to be isolated through this pandemic and I always thought I'd have people to return to after this but now it's changed, I'm stuck like this for now and after without any opportunity. I failed at the friends I had and their distaste shows.

Why wasn't I enough?

Do they hate me?

I don't really eat anymore, my parents assume I do when they're at work but I take the plates and scrape them down the toilet. Food sickens me when I'm feeling like this so I'd rather not take the risk. Why even bother eating? It's a waste of time, I can't even be bothered to leave my room. Each day my mum does the same thing, leaving a plate of some grain substance in the fridge with clingfilm for me to consume, it doesn't change. My hygiene is also shit, I definitely could use a shower but then I'd have to stand up and lately I've felt so fatigued, I wonder why. Is anything going right? Apart from the hand I use to write.

I'm surprised my parents havent noticed or maybe they're too busy to bring it up. I am truly alone in this, a different void to the rest of Earth's inhabitants. They all seemed so far away from me, permanently. Am I becoming less human each day too?

This day was more memorable than yesterday and I'll tell you why. Today marked a unique feature that didn't match to any other moment in my life, probably as my sanity never declined to this level. It was night time when I stayed on the floor, trying to crawl back onto the bed but the blankets fell and hit the ground. One thought belonging to me, 'what is the point?'. I never questioned my life or my existence, I didn't need to as I had such a strong purpose of achieving becoming the top hero of this world, helping those in need. But it all became nothing in that moment, my eyes saw what was ahead right then and it was ashes of hope, long unrecognisable on this dreadful day.

Author here! Remember to vote and comment if you liked this chapter, I appreciate you reading this!