If I Can't Have Him...

His reasoning

In order to understand, I guess we should go back to the beginning.

Jeongguk doesn't get off on killing. It isn't something he enjoys. He hates it, really. It started when he was ten. It wasn't an accident like his mother told the police. She knew. Jeongguk had told her and his grandmother the truth when he was asked what had happened. They thanked him and told him he was a hero, but murder was bad, and he should never do it again.

He promised he wouldn't.

It's just that.. dad had a problem.

Dad liked drugs, and gambling, and whores more than he ever liked his family.

And Jeongguk was ten, but he'd watched for ten years how the women in his life cowered whenever dad came home. He watched how his father treated them, after he took whatever drug of choice he made that day. And Jeongguk knew that if daddy wanted the white stuff, Jeongguk had to grab the silver tray from the bedroom. And if daddy wanted the weird brown stuff that he gave himself in a needle, Jeongguk had to grab the belt and needle from the third drawer on the left.

He also knew, from listening to the women in his life, that if daddy ever took too much, he'd die. And if he died, they would all be okay.

He didn't frequently hit Jeongguk, he mostly took it out on the women. But when Jeongguk was ten years old, he had a crush. A big fat stupid crush on a boy at school. His Yoongi hyung was just so nice, and he treated Jeongguk like he wasn't weird. He actually encouraged Jeongguk to talk, to play with him and Jiminie, he sat next to Jeongguk often and helped him with his math. He liked Jeongguk's toys and didn't think it was weird if Jeongguk brought one to school like the other kids teased him for.

And Jeongguk didn't think it was weird, his mom let him talk about it all the time. She listened to him go on and on about his Yoongi hyung. But his father... his father didn't know how to keep his hands or his anger to himself.

And that night, when Jeongguk's mom held an ice pack to his neck hoping to make the bruises disappear from those hands that squeezed just a little too hard around the tiny ten year old's neck, Jeongguk decided he'd save them all.

When daddy wanted the brown stuff, Jeongguk offered to help as an apology for being so bad. For days, he helped his father. He watched every step with eager eyes and helping hands. And when daddy finally nodded out, Jeongguk picked up the needle, and followed every instruction his father had shown him. He did it again, and again until all of it was gone and dad didn't wake up.

He smiled as his mom cried and held him to her chest. She had come home unaware of what happened, but Jeongguk walked right up to her with a big bunny smile "Eomma, appa can't hurt us anymore. Isn't that great?" she called the police, her husband died of an overdose while she was out and her son didn't know that he wasn't just sleeping.

His home life improved.

They got everything they ever wanted because daddy was gone. And it was all because Jeongguk killed him.

He even got a cute card from his Yoongi hyung. Yoongi felt bad that Jeongguk's father died, but Jeongguk couldn't tell him that it was okay, that it was better this way, that Jeongguk got everything he wanted. He was happy.

And then Yoongi hyung made another friend, Seonghwa. He was nice, he was friendly enough. But Yoongi didn't sit with Jeongguk and Jiminie whenever Seonghwa offered to share his lunches with him and Jeongguk felt something in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't quite name.

He watched them laugh, talk, and eat. Sharing conversations that Jeongguk couldn't hear and he hated it. Yoongi wouldn't ask to play, to see his toys, or ask if he had eaten.