If I Can't Have Him...

Losing him

Waking up alone was rough. His body was sore, but he felt rested. He took a moment to inhale the scent of Jeongguk’s pillow and smiled. The guilt still lingering almost wiped the smile off his face, but he pushed it aside. It's not his fault. He's allowed to be happy and loved. 

He got out of bed, and after using the bathroom and throwing on one of Jeongguk’s shirts, he made his way out to the kitchen and found a note on the counter 

Breakfast is in the microwave. The coffee pot is set up, just hit start. Borrow or use whatever you want ♡ 
Have a good day baby, love you
-Gukkie 

He smiled wide and hit the button on the coffee pot. He leaned against the counter and looked up gun ranges in the area as well as what he had to do to apply for a license. His dual citizenship shouldn't be a problem, and he relaxed a bit as he looked further into it. It was a necessity. 

He leaned back and sipped his coffee as he scrolled and did some research. He still wasn't comfortable with all of this, but he would do anything to keep the ones closest to him safe. 

Choi Jongho has been a client for as long as Yoongi has lived in New York. “Not only are you talented, but it helps to see another Korean face, and not have to speak English” he had laughed, and he's been coming to see him every year since. 

It's usually the same thing every time. Headshots for his business cards and staged photos of the office for his website. Half the time he doesn't even ask to see the photos, just tells Yoongi to add them to his site for him and send whichever headshot Yoongi chooses to the secretary so she can have the cards printed out. It's easy, and Jongho is nice. They've even gone out for a coffee a few times as friends. Nothing more. 

Yoongi walked into the office and smiled at the secretary “Hey, I'm here for-”

“Hyung!” He turned and smiled as Jongho handed off whatever paper was in his hand and came towards him. He leaned in and hugged Yoongi. It was funny how contrasted they looked in the moment. Usually, Yoongi wore business casual to see Jongho, but he was borrowing Jeongguk’s clothes. He could have changed when he stopped home for his equipment, but he was too comfortable. Baggy oversized- bigger than his usual oversized- shirt, baggy and loose gray sweats, and a black oversized hoodie. He had his hair pulled up into a bun and the only thing of his own that he wore were his sneakers (the hair tie was also Jeongguk’s, not that it mattered but Jeongguk’s just felt better) (maybe) and Jongho was in his classic tailored suit and tie. 

“Jongho, it's good to see you” 

“You too, hyung. You look comfortable” he snorted, making Yoongi laugh 

“Ah, I raided my boyfriend's closet this morning” he blushed 

“Ah, got it” he chuckled “how is Felix?” 

Oh. He winced “ah, not Felix. I'm dating Jeongguk, an old friend” he smiled sadly “Felix passed away two months ago. The funeral was just yesterday” 

“Oh, hyung” he frowned “I'm so sorry, I didn't know” 

“It's not your fault” he shook his head “it's a long traumatic story anyway. I'll fill you in at some point, but I don't want to bring down the mood before your shoot”

How do you explain that your boyfriend was murdered, dead for almost a month before he was found, and his body was poked and prodded for another month before he could finally be laid to rest, without making everyone feel sad? You couldn't. So you don't. 

“Coffee after?”

“Sure” he shrugged with a smile “I'll go get my stuff, meet in your office?”