I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

7 - Mila's past

TW: Scars, Self-harm, Abuse, Abusive parents, alcoholism...
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Vic opened the door and held it open for me so that I could go ahead. Carina and Vic followed me into the bedroom, which I headed for immediately. I sat down on the bed and looked at Carina and Vic:

"Thank you both really, thank you all, even if the others can't hear me right now."

Vic sat down next to me in a cross-legged position and took my hand in hers:

"We're always here for you, no matter what. If you need to talk or want us to get you someone to talk to, you can always let us know!"

Carina crouched down in front of me and looked at me:

"After all, you're our friend, part of our family, part of the 19!"

-

"Thank you..."

-

"And now please lie down on your back for a moment, I want to check your abdomen."

I layed down, vic moved a little to the side but was still sitting next to me. After a few seconds I grabbed my t-shirt waistband but hesitated before pulling it up:

"Carina..."

Carina seemed to know immediately what my problem was and looked at Vic and then back at me.

I had a scar on my stomach, caused by a punch to my stomach cavity which caused internal bleeding. Only Miranda and Carina knew about this scar, as they had undergone this operation.

On further reflection, I also thought about the scars I had inflicted on myself some months before I joined the fire department and finally leaving my parents house.

Vic didn't know about it, I didn't want her to think I was stupid or weak. She didn't even know that I was a lodger in an old couple's attic… although nobody knew that… not even Carina or Miranda. Until now, I had always avoided the subject when it came to my life.

Vic looked at me:

"Do you want me to go outside for a minute? That's completely okay if that's what makes you feel safe!"

I looked at Carina and then back at Vic:

"No it's okay, I just don't know what to say when you see my stomach because you'll definitely have questions.“

-

"No matter what's going on with your stomach or what I might see, I'm not going to ask or demand explanations. You can tell me what's going on or you just don't, I won't think any differently about you. Its your decision what you want to tell and what you don’t"

I nodded and pulled up my t-shirt and let Carina feel my stomach while Vic gave me a soft and somehow caring look.

"Carina actually sewed me up."

Vic grinned and Carina nodded proudly:

"I did a good job, didn't I?"

I laughed and looked at Carina, who gave me a questioning look:

"You did a perfect job on this one after Miranda cut me open. "

Vic apparently took a closer look at my stomach and the large and small scars, but didn't say anything. Carina had finished her palpation and looked at me again:

"I don't feel anything abnormal and as long as you don't throw up again everything should be fine."

I didn't pull my T-shirt down yet, but sat down leaning against the wall and looked down briefly and then back at Carina:

"Only Miranda and you know my story, know my faults and problems, have seen these scars..."

I stroked the large scar on my stomach and chuckled awkwardly:

"Vic, remember earlier when we were all eating and we were joking around that you're all my new parents now and Jack had remarked how my real parents would probably be against it?"

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"Yea, you looked a bit tense, that's why I changed the subject. Travis and I had actually talked about it in private and wanted to check up on you later to make sure everything was okay."

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"Well, my father is the reason for this scar. I don't have a good relationship with him, he drinks a lot and has always favored my older brother. My mother is no better than him, she's never had anything better to do than pick on me."

-

“I'm so sorry, we would all have acted differently if we had known.“

In the hallway, you could hear that the others had returned and gone to the shower, stress filled my body thinking about my father and someone else walking in on me while talking about him.

Carina took my hand, which was starting to pinch my stomach, and pressed it firmly into hers. She gave me a knowing but sad look at the same time.

Carina knew that I was still struggling with thinking about self-harming from time to time and that I was even accidentally harming myself sometimes just like now.

The last time, however, was 2 months ago, I visited Carina in the hospital after I saw my father in town and panicked. I was so panicked that I ran away, hit my knee when I stumbled and while Carina was disinfecting it in the ER I unknowingly scratched the skin on my wrist.

"The man reminded me of him… I mean when that man dragged me across the ground, kicking and punching me. It was just like... It was just like I was with my father again..."

I paused for a second to wipe a small tear away and take a deep breath before continuing.

“In his eyes I probably deserved it today, he would tell me it was my own fault. The worst thing about all of this is that I'm starting to believe those thoughts."

My voice took on a tearful tone at the end and Carina took me in her arms:

"None of this was your fault today, none of this was your fault, do you hear me? And your father has not been a good person to you and has left things in you that make you think the very wrong things right now."

I nodded and hugged her for a moment before letting go.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table '08:42pm', the others were probably already finished showering i thought. I wiped my face and faked a smile at both of them:

"I think I just need a few minutes alone to process."

Vic and Carina nodded and got up:

"If there's anything, call or come get us, whatever reason. And I will check on you again in 20 minutes if that's okay with you. I don't want to leave you alone with all the thoughts that must be going through your head."

-

"Thank you, and yes, it's okay if you check on me, perhaps I'll just join you in the kitchen or lounge in 20 minutes, depending on where you are."

Vic took the door handle in her hand and before she opened the door she said to me:

"And don't forget Mila, we are friends, a family, a team and there for one another! No matter what, we're always there for each other!"

-

"Thank you Vic, thank you both. See you in a few minutes."

Vic opened the door, they left and closed the door from the outside.

I was now alone, alone with myself, my thoughts and my feelings that have been building up.