I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

10 - I didn't hurt myself, I promise

TW: Self-harm, Suicide, suicidal thoughts, rape…

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"Mila, why were you in the bathroom?"

I said nothing and just looked at my hands, which were folded in my lap.

"Mila, please talk, what were you doing in there?"

She gestured with the little packet of toilet paper and tears came to my eyes and I still couldn't answer.

I hadn't done anything, I was just thinking about it, maybe planning something but not doing anything, wasn't I?

"Bambina, I'm not angry, on the other hand, I'm just worried and want to know what's going on with you so that I can help you."

I looked her in the eye and saw Carina's worried face:

"I didn't do anything, I really didn't!"

Carina looked at the package in her hand and back at me:

"What exactly is this thing I'm holding actually and why did you have it in your hand when you came out of the bathroom?"

I shrugged my shoulders and slid from the edge of the bed onto the bed and leaned against the backrest.

Carina also slid from the edge onto the bed and sat down in a tailor's seat in front of me:

"May I open the package?"

I nodded and reached for the pillow next to me to put it in my lap and hide my face in it a little.

Carina unwrapped the small package and took out a relatively old razor blade, which was already broken off at one corner:

"Mila, where did you get this blade?"

Carina looked at me with worry and I now buried myself completely in the pillow and exhaled deeply, this fucking day is too surreal, it couldn't be true that so much shit could actually happen in one day.

Carina seemed to give me a little time and I heard her wrap the paper around the blade again so it was safer to touch and out of my sight.

My mind started racing at the sound though, the blade was gone again, secure, unreachable...

"Carina, I have no idea what's wrong with me!"

I started crying into my pillow and felt Carina crawl over to me to hug and hold me:

"Shhhh, it's okay Mila, all of us are here for you."

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"I just don't wanna be here anymore, I can't do this anymore, I feel so worthless..."

-

"Mila, we'll get everything back together, I know that what you're going through is anything but easy, but trust me, everything will eventually get better!"

She stroked my back and I started to calm down a little. I looked at Carina with a tear-stained face:

"I'm so sorry about everything, I'm such a big burden to you all today"

-

"You are not! Mila, we're here for you just like you would be there for any of us. We are one big family and no one here is a burden to anyone."

I nodded, but I was still thinking the same as before and just didn't want to continue being a burden.

Carina still seemed very concerned about the blade and apparently didn't quite trust me that I hadn't done anything and still wanted to know where I had gotten it and why: