I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

9 - I just feel nothing

TW: Self-harm, Rape, suicidal thoughts...

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Carina and Vic had left the room to give me a few minutes alone.

And suddenly I felt nothing, my body was empty of any emotion. The click of the door into the lock was like a button that turned off my mask which tried to laugh and tell everyone that I was fine while breaking down on the inside.

I turned away from the door, pulled the pillow in front of me towards me and hugged it.

Why don't I feel anything?

I was raped, I'm supposed to feel something right?

Maybe I'm already dead, Wouldn't be so bad after all the stuff that happened right?

I could have gone out to the others and kept the mask on with a smile.

I was not sad not angry not happy I was nothing. Vic even knew about my father and mother and probably about my self-harming past now. I felt ashamed now.

I laughed at myself and started playing around with a hair tie I took from the bedside table.

A few minutes went by and I still didn't think or feel anything specific. I made knots in the hair tie and untied them, wrapped it around my fingers in patterns and was completely in another world. Until suddenly the hair tie flew out of my hand across the room.

I sighed, back was reality, gone was the distraction. At that moment, a question popped into my head:

Where was my cell phone and backpack?

I got up and looked next to the bed, but there was nothing to be found except for a bottle of water.

I didn't know what time it was or how much time had passed since the two of them left me alone.

Should I go to them and ask where my backpack was?

I opened the door a crack and realized that my body was still very sore and that I should actually be in bed resting.

Although I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to walk through the station, I decided to walk towards the shower anyway to see if my cell phone or backpack was there.

Maybe someone had taken my things and left them there but I hadn't noticed earlier.

I closed the door behind me and heard everyone talking from the kitchen, but I didn't understand a word and just kept walking.

It took a little longer than normal to walk because my leg, which had been kicked, hurt every time I stepped on it. I also felt dizzy because I probably didn't have enough nutrients left in me after I had thrown up the last of it.

When I finally arrived at the showers, I looked around and actually saw my cell phone lying at the sink.

I picked it up and went to turn it on. It was empty, I couldn't distract myself by getting lost in social media, news or a movie or or or or...

Slowly the feelings that I felt when Carina and Vic were still with me came back and I sat down on the stool I had been sitting on earlier.

Miranda and Carina had collected pieces of evidence from my body here. I looked at my hands and felt disgusted with myself again.

I got up and washed my hands and face. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had to somehow get rid of what he had done to me, I had to get rid of what he had left behind on me.

I realized that I was on the verge of a full-blown nervous breakdown, scrubbing hard on my skin. Realising what I was doing I started muttering to myself what others usually told me: