I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

15 - Breakfast

TW: Self-harming mentions...
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I walked down the hallway and saw the men setting the table and Andy joining Maya, Vic, Carina and Theo in the lounge.

I walked after Andy and apologized directly to everyone for supposedly worrying them again because I'd taken so long:

"Sorry, just got lost in a few thoughts, didn't mean to be gone that long"

I laughed at my statement and a little joke that slipped out right afterwards:

"But at least I didn't drown in the toilet"

The others smiled a little but still looked quite concerned. But before anyone could ask what I was thinking about and why I looked a bit distressed, Ben called over to us from the kitchen:

"Breakfast is ready, everyone come and eat!"

Everyone got up and headed to the dining table, I tried to stay a little behind everyone, I didn't want to cause a scene.

If Maya and Carina hadn't pushed me forward by my back, I probably would have stood rooted to the spot.

I felt so guilty for stealing this shitty spare blade from Andy and even carrying it on me, it felt so liberating and right at that moment. I almost felt like I had gotten a part of him out of me as the blood poured from the cutting.

When I arrived at the table, I sat down to the right of Andy, who had already sat down next to Travis. Maya sat down next to me and finally Carina, who made sure that I sat down.

I looked at Carina two seats away and immediately thought that Carina was probably sitting next to Ben to talk about getting my things. I was stressed at the thought of anything else from my miserable life getting out to the people I loved the most.

I looked towards the kitchen where Vic was helping Jack put something on the table before Vic found her seat next to Ben and Theo. Jack accepted the last seat between Theo and Robert.

The door to the stairwell suddenly opened and Beckett walked in:

" Enjoy your food 19... and Dr. DeLuca..., line up in the hall at 9 a.m., there's still a lot to be done before the shift change at 1 p.m., Mila, you'll stay on sick report and off duty until Diane and an attending doctor gives you the all clear. To the rest of you: See you at the vehicles at 9am on the dot!"

He went down the corridor to the gym, apparently to do some workout. I swallowed hard, off duty until a doctor and Diane cleared me... What does that mean, does he think I'm mentally unstable and not fit for duty!?

I'm fine! At least that's what everyone has to think, I try to convince them the whole time!

I suddenly felt all eyes on me. I looked up from my hands, which I was kneading together, and into silent gazes that felt for me as Beckett took me off duty for no foreseeable length of time.

I wasn't in the mood for any pity numbers, it was just the way it was now... fucked up:

"The egg and bacon is getting cold, let's eat".

Everyone was awoken from their trance. Just like myself, they were now trying to cover up the fact that I was in a state that resembled a garbage can and that my situation seemed to be getting worse by the second.

They all took eggs, bacon, bagels, coffee, tea and other things that were served and ate their breakfast with various small talk.

I had a little egg with a bagel spread with cream cheese and fruit and avoided the conversations of the group.