I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

16 - 72-hour psych hold?

TW: Panic Attack, Self-Harm wounds...
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After a few seconds of silence, Ben cleared his throat. When he cleared his throat, I snapped out of my thoughts and instinctively looked at him, which I REALLY wanted to prevent:

"Mila, we were just discussing the fact that you..."

I immediately interrupted him:

"Ben, I appreciate that you are concerned about me, but I am 21, I am an adult and I should make my own decisions about what I will and won't do in this.... this 'situation'..."

There were tears forming in my eyes, which I pushed back as far as I could. With a lump in my throat and pressure on my chest, I continued to speak:

"I'll just go straight home, sleep it off, get myself cleared tomorrow and carry on as usual, working, helping others, living my life.... I... I... am all right!... seriously!"

My leg was shaking up and down, my voice was already very shaky and Ben only looked at me with even more concern.

Carina exhaled deeply and noticeably sternly and I already knew that I wouldn't like what was to come after this exhalation:

"Mila, if you don't want to stay with one of us for the time being until Diane gives us the all clear to try and leave you alone.... Then I will call Miranda and put you in psych together with her and have a 72-hour psych hold put on you..."

I was shocked by her statement, they couldn't just admit me. They had no evidence to admit me, let alone had no right to attempt to blackmail me like that:

"You can't..."

I looked at Ben, who gave me a 'yes we can' look and I only got more shocked:

"...you can't do that!"

Carina looked at her hands and back at me. She now spoke to me in a calmer and more sensitive tone:

"You know we can do this and we have good reasons for it..."

I just sat there in shock, not knowing what to say or do. They couldn't be serious... Send me to a ward? I leaned my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands to cover my face.

I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't even speak or talk back.

Carina and Ben were probably right, they could admit me. They had the power to admit me against my will...

If I didn't accept the privilege of having them take turns looking after me, I'd be pretty fucked up.

I wondered what Andy and Maya must have been thinking. They surely had to be thinking that I was a miserable wreck, a broken person... Now, however, Maya and Andy were sitting here, listening to a conversation about me, which was all about psych and admitting me.

I stood up, pissed off, got my plate and put it in the sink. They all looked at me as I went into the kitchen and put my stuff away.

When I was done, I looked at everyone and said extremely upset with the situation I was in:

"Fine! I'll stay with any of you and let you babysit me 24/7 if you think it's absolutely necessary!"

I took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. I took a big gulp to wash down the lump that was forming in my throat again out of anger and overwhelm.

I got a strange feeling inside me, I felt dizzy and my sight changed to tunnel vision. My breathing became short and I got the impression that my heart was beating far too fast and that I would simply collapse at any moment.