I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

13 - Did you even sleep?

I hardly slept at all that night.

Every time I managed to get some sleep I started dreaming about this man... I woke up a couple of times, out of breath, my heart pounding in my chest.

Ben woke up with me a few times and took my hand, stroked my back and tried to calm me down each time.

Apart from these incidents, the night was very quiet. Everyone besides me seemed to have gotten a somewhat good night's sleep.

No one was out on a call and the first alarm didn't ring until 7:30 a.m.

However, I stayed turned to the wall when the alarm went off. I didn't feel like talking or interacting with anyone, I just wanted to lie here forever.

Ben whispered to our friends gathered around us, thinking I was still sleeping:

"We should let Mila sleep some more, it's only 7:30 and she really didn't get much sleep..."

I heard a little rustling around me and a few people walking out. I thought for a moment that everyone had gone out, but then I heard Carina whispering:

"Ben, you go change and get ready too, I'll stay here with her until breakfast and keep an eye on her."

-

"Okay, thanks Carina, I'll let you know when breakfast is ready. Our shift ends at 1pm anyway, so until then we can decide on whether Mila goes to Miranda's and mine, your's and Maya's or someone else's place. As long as she's not alone for now..."

-

"We can ask her what she prefers when she wakes up. Someone has to go to her apartment anyway and grab a few things for the next few days..."

Under no circumstances should anyone see where and how I live. That would only cause more worries for the others and, above all, questions.

They still don't know that I'm a lodger in an old couple's attic and that shouldn't change that anyone knows about it.

I felt Ben get up from the bed behind me and Carina sat down next to me instead. I was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but the fear of getting trapped in one of those dreams...

Ben hadn't left the room yet and was now talking to Carina again:

"By the way, Mila seems to have had a lot of nightmares last night. She often woke up in a panic. I'll call Diane right away, maybe she can come over before our shift ends."

I didn't hear Carina answer and just assumed she must have nodded at him. It didn't really matter to me though that I might have to talk to Diane, I had already talked to her and other therapists many times. It was nothing new for me.

Ben's footsteps moved from the bed to the door and after the door closed I let out a deep breath of relief. A certain tension left my body that I hadn't even noticed before.

I couldn't really explain myself why I was so tense, but I just felt uncomfortable knowing that he was waking up all night long from my panic attacks and nightmares.

Carina apparently heard me exhale in relief, which was not befitting of a sleeping person:

"Mila?...Did we wake you up?"

It would be impossible for me not to answer now. But I couldn't talk, somehow it just wasn't possible for me. I just shook my head.

I felt Carina's hand on my shoulder:

"Did you even sleep at all this night?"

I shook my head again, then switched to nodding and then shaking again. I didn't know, had I been sleeping and dreaming or was I awake and thinking?