Belsize Park || Kate & Leo

☆ One ☆

It's sunny today. About 72 degrees fahrenheit. 22 Celsius. I lean back on my hands, to where the sun has wrapped a halo around the golden green trees. I have your sunglasses on, but it's still bright enough to squint. There is a crystalline blueness in the sky, with just little wisps of cloud. I don't know why I am describing it all to you. You can see it all, but it is an ethereal day. I'm wearing the shorts and shirt Bear picked out for me this morning, these matching blue summer clothes you brought me in LA at some point with these little anchors on them. You said they reminded you of Titanic. I am still not accustomed to sunny days in London yet, and I considered bringing an umbrella with me, but Mia said I was being silly. She is so much like you it is a bit unnerving sometimes.

Today, after I've been here, I'm going to meet the kids out of school and take them to the shops to get something for dinner. Something tells me it is pizza night tonight. Bear still loves the stuff crusts with the pepperoni, the ones we get from ASDA, and he still gets it all around his face. Joe will probably have a slice and then take the rest up to his room to carry on making music on his macbook pro air thing he hides somewhere secretive. He never used to be like that, but I guess it is his way of coping. Mia will have a glass of rosé or some vodka and carry on reading her scripts as she eats, with Alanis Morissette or Avril Lavigne or... someone blasting in her ears. They won't talk to me, and I don't know how to talk to them. Everything feels different now. Our home has become quieter, the laughter less frequent, the air heavy with unsure words. The familiar routines remain, but they lack the spark they once held. I take Joe and Bear to school, but we sit in silence. Even Bear. There is no more babbling, no more CD stories, no more Smooth Radio sing alongs. I thought it was silly before but now I miss it. So much. It's as if a piece of us is missing, leaving behind a void. I drop them off in the morning, and go home to clean. Sometimes Mia is still there because she starts work later, but she sits tucked in a corner, biting her nails and reading a book of some sort, her eyes glossed and empty. I tidy the house, I do the washing up from the night before, and I invite her to come to the park or a cafe with me, but I nearly always go alone. Today was another of those days.

I wander around The Hill Garden and Pergola. It was where we married twenty years ago, surrounded by flowers and those butterflies that are made of specs of every colour under the sun. I walk up the gentle slope, and the vision of your wedding dress fills my mind, a blinding whiteness. I fiddle with my ring, and move towards you. I blink away the tears and see your strawberry blonde curls cascading down past your neck. Each step carries me deeper into a realm of ethereal beauty, where time stands still and the world is cloaked in a tranquil haze.

Wisteria blooms cascade in a vision of lilac and lavender, their delicate fragrance mingling with the soft whispers of the breeze. Sunlight filters through the canopy above, casting a mesmerising dance of light and shadow upon the mossy pathways below. I walk among the foliage, and watch as the Pergola stands as a tribute to nature's artistry, its graceful arches adorned with ivy and blossoms. I reach a hand towards it and admire its buds, smiling as I unfurl it in between my fingers.

I stop by a bench and sit down, tilting my neck up to get a better look at the sky. The clouds move around faster now, and have turned into a blend of white, yellow, pink and blue, as if an artist has painted something ethereal, memorable. As if the day is... important.

I check my watch. 2:35pm. Twenty-five minutes until I need to pick Joe and Bear up. It is a five minute walk to my car, and a fifteen minute drive to the kid's school, with five minutes spare for traffic. I text Mia, saying I am going to pick the kids up and go shopping, asking if she wants to come with us. I walk back down the path, my feet trudging along the cobblestone. My phone vibrates. It's Mia.

I am making pizza for dinner for us all, but can you pick up some rosé for me, and some coke or lemonade or something for the boys? I'll pay you back.