Belsize Park || Kate & Leo

☆ Five ☆

"Don't touch that, it's mine!"

My eyes flicker open, and I look over to my alarm clock. It's eight am. The duvet is crumpled up beside me, but your blanket is folded in a semi neat square next to your pillow. I smile. Bear is up, has made his side of the bed, and is... somewhere. I sit up, and my eyebrows knit together as I listen to whatever is happening next door.

"I just wanted to see it!"

"No! It's not yours! Get off and get out of my room!"

The voices belong to Joe and Bear, I discern, ripping the duvet off and heading into Joe's room. When I go inside, it is still almost pitch black, with just a tiny sliver of light coming in from the hallway and the tiny gap in the curtain where sunlight is trying to stream through, despite Joe wanting to have it any other way. Joe is standing in front of Bear, and they are both clutching a box. Bear wrenched the box towards him, his two blue eyes staring up at Joe, welling with tears.

"Get off it Bear!"
"Please, let me see what's inside." I watch them for a second, seeing Bear calm down slightly, his reddened cheeks returning to their normal colour, and foolishly thinking Joe might follow suit.
"Fine!" Joe yells, wrenching the box open, spilling the contents on the bed and storming out. I sigh, feeling him rush past me, his breaths heavy. Bear slumps on the floor, hiccupy sobs escaping his mouth as he tidies the contents of the box without really looking at what they are. I offer him a small reassuring smile, and follow Joe out, watching him run down the stairs, skipping steps in twos, sometimes threes. When I catch up to him, he is tensely slumped against the wall, his knuckles white and twitchy as he tries not to punch the wall. It's a habit that he has sadly inherited from me, a habit you were scared of, so I learnt to control.

"What is his fucking problem?" Joe yells, breathing heavily out of his nose. I move towards him and grab his fists just before they make contact with the wall.

"Hey, hey, Joe, look at me. Right breathe with me. In. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. Out. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four."

We breathe together for a moment, his flickering eyes settling on mine. His breath is less shaky now, and his hands unclench, wobbling as they grip my hands, and he moves into my arms, his head against my chest. I stroke his hair, holding him closely towards me as his convulsions slow. His tears are dampening my t-shirt, but I don't care.

"D-dad, I'm sorry. I just– that box is special to me. Mum gave it to me."
"I know, I know. I know she did." I make eye contact with his watercolour eyes as he looks up at me, swallowing. "I understand. But you need to be more patient with Bear. He's ten years younger than you, and doesn't always understand why some things are more personal. Just... tell him that it's special to you and if he touches it, come to me." I search his eyes, seeing them well with tears again. My eyes soften, and I rub his arm.

I see so much of you in him, in his strength, in his stubbornness. He is the absolute spitting image of you, Kate, so are Mia and Bear. Every day, I look at them, I listen to their voices, and their ways of speaking, and I think of you.  I remember when we met, and every day since. The kindness in your eyes, the strength and determination in your soul. I look at our seventeen year old son, and see you.

"Are you okay?"
Joe bites his lip and nods.
"You don't have to act strong, Joe. Listen, why don't we leave Mia and Bear here and go and get some breakfast so we can talk? Just us two."
"I don't want to." He rubs his arm through his hoodie sleeve, and then wipes the rest of the hot tears that have streamed down his face with the back of his hand.

"But I think you need to. Come on, it'll be good for you to leave the house."
"I left the house yesterday."
"And was that so bad?"
He looks out the window, squinting as the sunlight meets his eyes. "I suppose not."
I smile. "Come on, let's get dressed, and we'll go out."