Belsize Park || Kate & Leo

☆ Nineteen ☆

It's the last day of the summer holidays today, my last chance to spend some quality time with the kids before they go back to school. Joe is starting year 13, his last year of education unless he decides to go to University, Bear is starting year three, and Mia is still auditioning for roles.

The sky above Golders hill park is streaked with beautiful powder and cornflower blues, and chalky white chem trails. It's a lovely park, just a five minute walk from the Hill garden and pergola, and there are beautiful bodies of water that seem to stretch out for miles, being pulled to a flat calm. We lay a tartan blanket on the slightly damp grass and sit down, organising the food from our wicker picnic basket, and pouring our drinks into plastic cups. Bear takes his shoes and socks off, and shuffles to the bank of the lake, paddling his feet in the cool water. He is eating a jam sandwich, and getting the jam anywhere other than his mouth.

Nothing has ever felt this peaceful since you died, Kate. Not even my early morning walks, or the trip to Vancouver. This moment, right here, sitting amongst the silver spring foliage, and the whooshing waters of the lake, sitting with our three beautiful, strong children, knowing that they're half you, half me, makes me feel more at peace than anything else ever has, and probably ever will. It's like life has returned to normal, like a crushing weight has been lifted, like the gravel clouds have made way for clear skies, and sweeping sunsets that you have painted up there.

We still all really miss you, of course we do. But life moves on. We have many, many memories of you. Funny, sad, lovely, wonderful. We had a beautiful life together, with three wonderful children, and there is absolutely no way I could be more grateful for my life than right now. Right now, knowing you're up there, beaming down at us, and probably wanting to tell us that we have been silly for a year doing nothing but being sad, and being happy that we're happy now, is enough to help us to move on. We won't ever forget you, sweetheart.

I turn to Mia and Joe, assessing the situation. The Oreos are out, and so are the sausage rolls. Nice. I grab an Oreo, and beam at them, leaning back on my hands. Mia is laying on her side in the grass in this really beautiful knee length blue summer dress which I think was once yours, and Joe is laying on his chest wearing shorts, a black shirt and sunglasses which I'm also certain were yours. Bear is wearing blue shorts, and a green and white shirt with a crab on it. These are our children. Mia Honey Winslet - DiCaprio, Joe Alfie Winslet - DiCaprio, and Bear Blaze Winslet - DiCaprio. Who would have ever thought that a boy from Los Angeles and a girl from Reading would have three children, and live in London after starring in a film which won eleven academy awards, and probably every sodding film award under the sun. Who would have thought that those two kids with big dreams, who were the main actors of this film, but were the biggest pranksters on set, would fall in love. Love can sometimes feel like your heart is breaking into a million tiny pieces. Being in love with you blended mine. I am still in love with you, Kate. Still as much as I was on the first day I met you in Mexico. Probably more.

"Daddy, daddy! Look daddy!" I blink, breaking my trance. Bear is waist deep in the water, and is splashing his hands, getting himself drenched. I should probably be annoyed because he's going to get cold and shivery, maybe even ill, and he can't swim brilliantly, but I smile, feeling it creep over my entire face.

"Having fun, Beary?"

"Yes!"

"Do you want to come out and eat?"

"No!!"

"Alright then. Just don't go any deeper okay?" He splashes and nods, and I turn back to Mia and Joe. "So, last year of college then."

"Yep."

"How are you feeling?"

"A lot happier than I was. I think I could work really hard this year." His eyes are shining. He is looking forward to it. My eyebrows shoot up and I beam at him, my heart aching with an overwhelming sense of pride. "Well I'm so happy for you. You're going to do so well, Joey."