Belsize Park || Kate & Leo

☆ Twelve ☆

Forty four years seems too short a time to live, too little time to do everything you want to do, too little time to see our children become adults, and venture off into the world. It's too little time to appreciate all the love you have to give, too little time for the academy to realise you really deserve another Oscar win. 

But we had twenty four years of friendship, of love, of this beautiful house in Belsize Park. We had twenty one of marriage, of children, of hiding from the paparazzi in Tesco's fruit and veg aisle, laughing on beaches as the waves swept us under, and then sitting and watching the sun go down, knowing we would always have forever. 

Our forever is over now, but I am choosing not to be sad anymore. In twenty four years, when I'm old and grey and no one wants me in their films anymore, I will look back on myself now, and wonder why I stopped living life. You wouldn't have wanted me to, so why should I? Why did I put my life on hold?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I look over to the kids. They are all inside, scared of living, scared of what it would mean to live without you. Not anymore. Joe smiles at me. Last night really made it clear to me that we need to talk more about you, and do more things you loved. We can't wallow in pity anymore, we need to live. 

Last night, after I went to bed, I took my laptop with me, and booked a flight... to Vancouver, Canada. Tomorrow afternoon. I look around the room. Mia and Bear are lying on their backs, holding books to their faces. Their hair is splayed around, mixing in a river of gold in the centre of the carpet. Joe is strumming on his guitar, playing the opening strains of ABBA's Like an angel passing through my room. One of your favourites. 

"Love was one long prolonged goodbye. "

Our love was... an endless adventure, a journey filled with moments of joy and discovery. It was watching our children grow up – every milestone a celebration, every moment cherished. But you never got to see them grow up fully. We never knew that, never even thought of it as a possibility. 

"Hey kids," I start, peering over the top of my laptop. "Can you all come here please? There's something I need to talk to you about."

They scramble over, Mia and Joe sitting either side of me, and Bear on my lap. I move my laptop over onto the ottoman, showing the flight ticket confirmation.

"We're going on a plane?" Mia asked, her eyebrows threading together. "Where to?"

"Why?" Joe asks."

"Vancouver. Why not? It's summer and we deserve to go on holiday."

"Daddy!" Bear exclaims, throwing his arms around my neck. "Are we going to go to Mia's shop?"

Bear calls Honey's Doughnuts Mia's shop because Mia's middle name is Honey, and that's partly how we named her. Of course, there is more to it, but this is the story Bear likes to be told. 

"Yes, Bear. I think we will."

"Ooh! Where else are we going?" Mia exclaims, clapping her hands together. 

"I... may have some things planned. Come on, let's pack! The flight is tomorrow at 2.p.m!"

***

London Heathrow is really busy, and really overstimulating. It used to be worse when we would fly to the states when Bear was a baby, and Mia and Joe were just thirteen and eleven respectively. They used to be so impatient waiting to go through customs, and sit on the floor with scowls on their faces any time we were delayed. But now it's really busy, but they're so calm... Mia is reading Wuthering Heights, one earphone in and one dangling down, loud enough to tell that she's been listening to Kate Bush on loop for two hours straight. Joe is listening to music, tapping his hands on his knees, and slamming his foot on the floor to mimic the kick pedal. Bear is reading The Magic Faraway tree, sprawled over his bag. He is still small enough to do that.