Belsize Park || Kate & Leo

☆Epilogue ☆

I've walked this same path many times before, down the red carpet, most of the time with your hand in mine, but never for an event like this. The 73rd Primetime Emmy Awards was going to be a night to remember, and I was honoured to be here to pay tribute to you. Your death fourteen months ago has left a gaping hole in our lives, and I'm still getting used to the fact that you're no longer with us, the whole world is. But tonight, we're here to celebrate your life, your legacy, and your incredible body of work. I knew you for twenty four years, and I've seen you light up the screen in countless ways. But it's not just your talent that I'll be remembering tonight - it's your kindness, your generosity, and your unwavering dedication to us. And as I take the stage to deliver a speech that I've been preparing for weeks, I know that I'll be speaking not just from my heart, but from the hearts of all those who loved you.

The red carpet greets us as Martin opens the door to let us out, trying to shield Mia, Joe, and Bear from the immediate white hot flash which drowns us. I'm used to it, so I fiddle with the top button of my suit and hold a hand up in a small wave. The kids scramble behind, their cheeks alight with excitement and a fresh faced youth I remember us having. Mia is wearing a black off the shoulder dress that was very similar to the one you wore at the BAFTAS five years ago, and looks very scarily like you. Joe, believe it or not, scrubs up quite nicely. He's wearing a cream suit, brown shoes, and glasses, and Bear is wearing a navy suit with a polka dot bow tie, and sunglasses, not that you can see them, because he's hiding his face with his hand. I lean down to him, nodding at a camera, and holding my hand up.

"Do you want to go in?" Bear nods, and I gently take Mia's arm and usher them inside. Inside it's loud, but less chaotic than outside, and we quickly find our seats towards the front of the small stage where two microphone stands are, and four sets of stairs running up each side. I get my phone out, and send my mom a message.

"Made it here alive. The kiddos are well. Thanks again for letting us stay tonight :)"

I get a message back almost instantly. "No problem. I always love seeing meine enkel. Have fun tonight. Do you know what time you'll be back?" (my grandchildren)

"Probably around half eight? Nine?"

"👍👍"

If you were here, and the kids were with my mom, I would've said "keep them until tomorrow" because there is no way we'd be sober enough to get them, and we would have stayed out far too late to warrant bringing them back to a hotel. But we're gonna head home as soon as we can, as soon as I've had at least one drink. Maybe.

Every few minutes, there is a new category, new snippets of shows and their actors, a new round of applause, and a new speech from whoever has won. I must have zoned out though because I have zero idea of what categories have been, and who has won. I just know yours hasn't been yet.

"Here are the nominees for Lead Actress in a limited or anthology series or movie." I blink as Sarah Paulson and Beanie Feldstein announce your category, and subconsciously my hand reaches into my pocket for the flashcards with the best speech I've ever written on them. I feel my heart is thudding in my ears, and my breath is hitching. I don't think I've ever felt this much adrenaline in one go. I watch the screen playing clips of the two actresses before you: Cynthia Erivo for Genius : Aretha, and Michaela Coel for I may destroy you. Scattered applause fills the room and your name is announced: Kate Winslet - DiCaprio – Mare of Easttown. I put my index and middle finger in my mouth and whistle, making the loudest noise out of everyone in the crowd who are clearly unsure whether they should cheer or stay silent. I don't hear the last two nominees, my blood is thumping too deafeningly in my ears, and I'm clutching Mia and Joe's hands as if they were winning lottery tickets and I was going after the top prize. My lip is white as Sarah very agonisingly slowly opens the envelope, and leans into the microphone.

"And the Emmy for lead Actress in a limited or anthology series or movie goes to Kate Winslet - DiCaprio – Mare of Easttown!" There are a few coughs, nervous chats which echo across the room, and I stand up, a bittersweet feeling dizzying me as I make my way to the stage. I don't bother to hug anyone. I just breathe, willing the blood to pump in any part of my body but my ears, and I collect the award from Sarah, nodding pensively, and absent mindedly shaking her hand. I make my way to the microphone and wave again, fiddling with the button on my blazer.

"If you get nervous, scan the audience, find someone you know," I say, balancing the award on the podium so I don't drop it, and I find Mia and Joe, grinning widely. "And deliver it to someone you know, someone you love. Kate said that to me at one of our first award ceremonies together. I didn't win but I knew how to overcome my stage fright. Tonight, I'll be delivering my speech to Kate, and our three children who are here with me tonight." A round of applause ripples across the room, and I watch Mia, Joe, and Bear tears gathered in their eyes, and I think of you watching from the clouds.

"So obviously, my wife couldn't be here tonight. It's been fourteen months since she left this earth, a brilliant portfolio of work, and three amazing strong children. Mia, Joe, Bear. They have been my rock more than I've been a rock for them. In fact, I wouldn't have come here if it wasn't for them. Kate was a fantastic woman, not only as an actress, but as a daughter, a sibling, an aunt, but also as a mother to our three kids, and of course: my wife. We met in 1996 when we filmed Titanic, and nothing has ever been the same since. I mean, how can you not fall in love with her?" I look behind me, seeing your name emblazoned on millions of tiny pixels, and your face smiling down at us. "Kate was kind, caring, selfless, ethereal, and talented at everything she ever did. I only have another minute or so, which isn't long to tell you all about how much I love, and miss her, so please know that she was the best person I have had the pleasure of being in a room with, and the best person I ever could have asked to marry, and asked to be the mother of my children. She knew how to show up for everyone for every emotion. She was there for every moment of our lives together, every sad, scary moment, every happy, exciting, pure moment. I showed up for her, and she showed up for me. I feel so lucky to have had twenty years of marriage with her, and twenty years of raising three incredible, beautiful children. I love you, Katie. I always will. Keep painting the skies for us. They're almost as ethereal as you. Tonight, we will celebrate you and all you have done for this world. Rest easy sweet girl."

I hold the award up and the blood thumps in my ears again, and within three seconds, Mia has single handedly started the loudest round of applause I have ever heard. People are whistling, standing up, clapping, hitting tables, and cheering. It feels surreal, and in a moment of what I can only describe as pure euphoria, I lift up your award, watching your name sparkle in the bright light. Then three pairs of arms wrap around my waist. Mia, Joe, and Bear. Our children. I lower the award down to let them see it, and their tear filled eyes stare back up at me, six sapphire eyes. A combination of yours and mine, a combination of years of people who have loved each other reflecting in their eyes.

So we head off the stage, hand in hand, and into the future, carrying the light of your love with us like a constellation of memories that will forever guide us home.

The End